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AIBU?

She smacked my daughter... WWYD??

744 replies

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 12:53

In shock, just come home from a soft play place, went with some other mums that I have just started getting to know. DD (4 years old) being unruly - we are going through a phase at the moment, one of the other mums just picked her up and smacked her on her bottom. I was completely stunned - I would never hit a child my own or someone elses... DD in tears i just gathered up DS's stuff took DD and left.

I want to pick her up on it, or call the police or something..... sorry dont have anyone in RL i cant speak to right now so sorry for ranty message im just still stunned!

WWYD?????

OP posts:

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arabesque · 08/04/2013 14:16

MadameJosephine I get the impression from the OP that it was a swift smack across the bottom. That was wrong but I think 'assault' is a strong word for it and trivialises the genuine assault that some children suffer from everyday.
I'm not excusing the other mother's actions, but I think some of the comments on here are a bit dramatic.

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:17

Lots of people are assuming that the other mother must have been extremely provoked and was at the end of a long tether

You simply do not kmow that is the case. If most of us would not hit our own child, let alone another person's child, then why is it understandable this woman did?

To me, it is more reasonable to assume that the other woamn is not in control of herlsef, and does pose a danger to other people, including maybe her own children

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arabesque · 08/04/2013 14:18

We're not assuming Jamie. We're going by the OPs description of what happened.

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Tinks313 · 08/04/2013 14:18

sorry clumyoaf a cross post, this was clearly a smack if it left a mark on you poor dd's leg.
I thought/hoped it could have been something more playful.

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OnwardBound · 08/04/2013 14:18

So she was hit hard enough to leave a red mark and was scared enough to wet herself

OP, I would be livid!

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maddening · 08/04/2013 14:18

But tumbleweed - as an adult in the situation (as in the parent of the other child) if you were upset about the dd's treatment of your ds you have the backbone to turn to the other parent and say " I'm afraid your dd is upsetting my ds - please can you deal with her".

If the parent of the naughty child then disciplines her own child all is good. If not you don't go to soft play with them again - and as the "wronged" party you remain in the right as it were.

However, by taking thw decision to physically reprimand (essentially assualting ) a child who it not in your care and whom you have no authority to do so you automatically become an agressor and no longer have any moral high ground - in fact you really are in the wrong at that point and can be judged as such.

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TumbleWeeds · 08/04/2013 14:20

xpost.

Clumsyoaf you are an extremely rational person.
That mum was supposed to watch your dd whilst you were in the toilet with your ds and her own child

that brings a whole new light to what has happened...

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YourHandInMyHand · 08/04/2013 14:20

I'd call the police. Tell them an adult hit your child so hard she left a mark and your dd wet herself. Yes it probably won't come to anything but it might give this woman enough of a scare that she doesn't do it again to another child.

I'd also ring the soft play place and state what happened, they may ban her.

I'd make it clear to the others that your DD is marked from it and wet herself. Their dcs are around this woman too, hopefully they are as disgusted as you and mumsnetters are.

At the time I'd have comforted my DD, had very strong words, stood up for my DD, involved soft play staff, and called 101 there and then.

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olivertheoctopus · 08/04/2013 14:21

What Tumbleweed said is ok until you get to the end and think "exactly where does the justification to smack someone else's child come arise?". I was smacked as a kid and don't really see it as a huuuge issue (not proposing to open debate) but I've never smacked my own kids and would NEVER EVER smack someone else's. It's wrong on about a million levels. Ok, so the woman might have been cross with OP's DD but she could have gently picked her up and moved her away (if she felt the need to touch her at all) rather than smacking her. If I was the smacking woman I'd have told OP's daughter to stop, picked my OWN child up and moved her out of the way and then gone all cats bum face at OP.

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LovePickles · 08/04/2013 14:21

Rinks, she hardly knows this lady. Regardless, I wouldn't smack a niece or nephew, I'd verbally tell them off, or tell their parents.

Clumsyoaf Left a mark? I would not have called the police, but I'd have a hard time not to if there's a mark. Marks left means assault. Smack a child and leaving a mark is child abuse in the eyes of the SS.

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DeskPlanner · 08/04/2013 14:21

Just noticed you know this woman. Stil phone the police.

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:23

Sorry. It is pretty back and white to me. You either think it is OK to hit or you don't

If you don't think it is OK to hit a child, then you cannot agree it was OK to hit this child no matter the circumstances.

Some of you seem to be implying that if the provocation was sufficient, you would hit another person's child

Anyone care to admit that?

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NatashaBee · 08/04/2013 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TumbleWeeds · 08/04/2013 14:23

Err... Can I remind people that I have said before (and again and again. See posts before) that I do NOT agree with the fact that the mum smacked the OP's dd....

The last of the OP's posts put a new light on it anyway.

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HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:23

The woman hit the OP's daughter hard enough to leave a mark and to terrify the poor girl into wetting herself.

Bearing in mind that the law on hitting your own children says that you cannot leave a mark on them, does anyone still think it's OTT to call the police?

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LovePickles · 08/04/2013 14:24

Rinks = Tinks , auto corrected sorry.

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olivertheoctopus · 08/04/2013 14:25

Ok, I missed the 'she wet herself and it left a mark' update. Did you call 101 OP? As much as I don't think getting the police involved is entirely necessary because you don't exactly want them to bring charges, I do think Mrs Smacker needs to be told that what she did was totally unacceptable and should never be repeated.

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HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:25

The OP has taken photos of the marks, she has eye witnesses, and the soft play ought to have CCTV, I think the OP has a good chance of getting this woman prosecuted.

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JollyPurpleGiant · 08/04/2013 14:26

OP, I am so sad for your DD. What a horrible thing for her to go through.

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Groovee · 08/04/2013 14:26

You have to do what you think is right.

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shewhowines · 08/04/2013 14:27

But what have the other friends said about it all?

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Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:27

im going to send a text - to everyone who has text me including the other mum...... (all advice/criticism greatly appreciated). Im not going to call the police, but im not going to let it go either.

This is areally daft thing to say, but since 1130 this morning my dd has been on her best behaviour, tidying toys away, finish all lunch and snack....

OP posts:

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catsmother · 08/04/2013 14:28

OP - 12 years ago, I'd literally just left (the day before) an emotionally abusive relationship and had moved into a flat I didn't want (but was all I could afford) in a place I didn't want to be (but was all I could afford) and had taken my then 9 year old son to the park. A total stranger - a woman in her 60s - took it upon herself to smack him as apparently he'd knocked her grandson over. I didn't see the incident - though had seen the 2 boys playing normally together moments before. Regardless - the correct course of action if he'd done such a thing would have been to come to me before attacking my son. All I saw was my son in hysterics - through shock and a sharp slap (he had a red leg) - and this foul mouthed hag "your fucking son deserved that" who refused to explain herself to me.

To this day, that incident still upsets me. Because I was feeling so low - and because that was the last thing I'd ever expected to encounter all sense and logic flew out of the window and I simply gathered up our stuff and left. What I should have done - and still beat myself up about - was to have called the police, and to have asked other people in the park if they'd seen what had happened. Regardless of my son's "guilt" or not, she had no right to take the law into her own hands and assault him (he denied doing anything wrong). Had other people explained he'd pushed the other child, I'd have apologised, got him to apologise and devised a suitable punishment of my own depending on the circumstances but NO-ONE has the right to lay a finger on someone else's child.

Please call the police. It might sound as if I'm being over dramatic but honestly, I think I failed my son that day. My only excuse being that my head was all over the place and I wasn't thinking straight. I explained all that to my son - and since as well - but I think I was in the wrong and I agree with all the others that you need to send a message to your child that them being attacked is wrong. I did IIRC, call her something along the lines of an ignorant, foul mouthed creature who was old enough to know better but I should have done more than that.

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HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:28

Why aren't you going to call the police OP? This woman assaulted your child and you have sufficient evidence to prove it.

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frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:29

I would just phone her up and say that you were shocked she smacked your child and ask for an explanation. Calling the police is a way over reaction imo and will make you look very foolish. You can tell her that you feel it is very very wrong on all levels and you considered calling the police. You may be surprised by her reply - she may have never smacked before but been pushed to the edge by your dd.

Sounds like your form of 'disipline' isn't particularly effective - maybe you need to rethink what you are doing. Having spent years at soft play etc I haven't come across many children who 'tug' others off toys without parent intervention pretty quickly!

By the way I am in no way justifying smacking - particularly other peoples children (although most parents I know have smacked their own at some point in their lives although they would never admit it to the 'public' as such). However, maybe your child was being particularly challenging - her behaviour sounds quite extreme?