Page 6 | to object to being called a dick

Catherinethemate · 2013-04-07T20:26:34+00:00

Apparently i was being a dick, as in i did something to upset my OH. He told me to shut up, then he called me a dick. I objected so he shouted SHUT UP YOU DICK! in my face. A big row eventually happened. Am i oversensitive? Does your OH say this to you? Even now when i say he shouldn't have called me it he says..don't be a dick then. If someone at work or in a social situation annoyed him i very much doubt he would shout SHUT UP DICK in their face so AIBU to find it unnacceptable???

Original poster

Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 11:58

He is saying exactly that!!

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 09/04/2013 11:59

Also, you having things on your terms is to protect your children, any man worth giving a shiny shite about would be more than understanding over that.

This man has no fire or passion in his soul for you or those kids.

Stop feeling so grateful for this man, because he brings nothing but anger and shit.

I worry so much about your kids.

Original poster

Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 11:59

Duty calls...thanks all..it is keeping me strong(ish) x

OP posts:

trashcanjunkie · 09/04/2013 12:02

My advice is make a plan for yourself. You can do all of this mourning after you've made a plan to keep him away from you. How about this as a possible out come... From right now, you never have to speak to him again He will try and call you all sorts of things, or perhaps contact your friends or relatives to get to you (mentally by the sounds of things) but get this.... If you don't want to ever see him again you don't have to pack up any things he has left at your place and arrange for a third party to give him them, or chuck them away. Sign off anything you've left at his as gone. TELL YOUR DCS it's over and he's not coming back. Otherwise you are condemning yourself to worse. I know how hard it feels if you don't believe it's abusive. The fact is you can choose to end a relationship however you like. You need no justification from anybody. It is scary being single if your self worth comes from other people, but are you really wanting to teach your dcs that this is what they will expect from their relationships. Kids learn from example. I managed to break the cycle with a lot of hard work, and I now feel really good about myself (mostly) and I promise you can too.

make your plan

kotinka · 09/04/2013 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candyandyoga · 09/04/2013 14:16

I feel very sad for you that you are staying in this relationship. It is very very frustrating reading this thread as you need to leave him.

kotinka · 09/04/2013 14:18

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trashcanjunkie · 10/04/2013 19:39

it's really hard candy op will have all the little justifications in her head, such as 'I haven't explained his side properly' 'I've given a biased view' 'I can't just pack up his stuff/stop taking his calls/break off this relationship, as it will be unfair to him'

The nature of abuse is that the abuser preys on the humanity of the abusee. As no-one's perfect, it means that all the tiny little things op's 'done wrong' will be haunting her. Plus, she may have done some 'big wrong things' One of my key turning points was understanding this. Whatever I've done wrong is not relevant, as we are discussing what the abuser is doing wrong. The first step is to escape the abuse, and it is abuse you've just been conditioned not to see this by life and your expectations of it. The second phase for me, was to work on the aspects of my behaviour that left me feeling like I'd lost the moral high ground. Easy to say, but quite a journey to achieve.

trashcanjunkie · 10/04/2013 19:39

balls, excuse my rubbish grammar!

spiritedaway · 17/04/2013 10:47

Hi all. . My login doesn't work anymore but will be back!

kotinka · 17/04/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pandemoniaa · 17/04/2013 11:03

You need to get away from him and put all your past history where it belongs. In the past. Nothing good can come of this relationship and your children will suffer all the while you stay with him too.

SparkyTGD · 17/04/2013 11:15

He sounds very mean. I'm sorry to not have any good advice but want to add to others statements that this is not how a loving partner behaves.

You do not deserve to be treated like this.

trashcanjunkie · 18/04/2013 00:12

Hey! How's life? What's been happening?

spiritedaway · 18/04/2013 23:08

Hi. . staying strong, was told it was over and ignored all week. Felt terrible all week as he had said a lot of shit. Then he bypassed any apology and went straight to wanting to come down for the weekend, tomorrow. I said no and he became verbally abusive again. I do think he has MHI and depression but i don't think any good can come of this relationship for anyone. So why do i feel so sad, and remind me how unacceptable it is to be called a whore etc. The last communication was him telling me if only i had made plans with him he would have felt ok. . i responded make plans with who[m] . . you who loves me or you who hates me? Thanks for asking x

spiritedaway · 18/04/2013 23:09

The thanks at the end of the post was to you lovely people btw, not to him x

kotinka · 18/04/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 18/04/2013 23:45

It's totally normal to feel sad, it's a kind of mourning really, you are missing the relationship that you could have had if he hadn't turned out to be quite the wanker.

But you can't live your life putting up with shit like that - and certainly not having your lovely kids treated as some sort of embarrassing mistake or something.

Have you given any more thought to the Freedom program? I noticed our local children's centre has adverts for it, with a free creche too!! (don't know how old your DCs are)
Maybe it would help you to really believe that you're worth so much more than this? I mean, we're saying it, you're agreeing, but do you really really believe it inside?

What are you going to do if he comes round tomorrow? You know you don't have to open the door, right? And if he starts shouting abuse on the doorstep, you can call the police.

OkayHazel · 19/04/2013 07:10

DP and I regularly call each other dicks and knobheads. Probably because quite often we are being dicks and knobheads.

I'm scared of snakes, and him threatening to buy one with no intention of actually doing so, but just to wind me up makes him a dick. So I called him one.

Likewise when I couldn't figure out how to build the Ikea shevles, he told me to stop being a knobhead, and let him do the job properly.

It's the screaming in your face you need to be upset by, not the words used. Words are just empty words. Tone and intent is what stings.

spiritedaway · 19/04/2013 07:47

He does treat the kids really well when his mood is up and genuinely wishes they were his. Then his mood is lethargic and snide,followed by him ending our relationship and being verbally abusive and holding me responsible for every single thing he doesn't like about his life. This is a pattern that is repeated every 5 weeks.

spiritedaway · 05/05/2013 01:21

Hello anyone. . Just checking in. I haven't met up with this person yet but nor have we properly broken up and we are chatting more. Late now but i will be back :)

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/05/2013 07:16

I've just read this thread and only realised at the end it is a few days old. My twopennorth is that he hates and resents you for leaving him and believes you should be grateful for him taking you back. That isn't going to change. He won't magically stop believing that, ever. He will always throw it in your face and use it as a stick to beat you with. You won't ever be able to live with him because his behaviour with always hold you back (thank goodness it does).
Not only that, he hates and resents that your children exist. This is the bit I can't get my head round. How can you allow someone who feels that way to have any contact with your children? That's where you are seriously letting them down. He is abusive to you and by definition, he is abusive to them.

CSIJanner · 05/05/2013 08:13

Thought his was a zombie thread but saw OP came with update.

Stop talking to him - from things you've written, it will be used as ammunition later and you're better off without him. You really need to end it properly - its an abusive relationship. He'll probably lash out that you've left him again (evil) but the truth is that its his actions and behaviour that have broken down this relationship. Look at what you've written yourself - the pattern is every five weeks so he must in his good phase at the moment. Which if true to form, backlash and abusive phase should be in the next week or so, joy!

Keep strong, thinking of yourself and your kids and get out.

LittleEsme · 05/05/2013 08:41

OP, I'm in my 40's now, but when I was a kid, my Mother's boyfriend would have walked over broken glass for me. He was, in fact, more caring than my own Mum (another story altogether). When I was a teenager, it was he who drove me to the swimming pool five days a week at 5.30 in the morning for training. When my partner left me in my mid 20's, it was he who hired a van to bring me and my stuff home and wanted to rip the arms off the boyfriend for hurting me. And countless stuff in between that made me feel safe and loved.

The point I'm making OP, is that your children, should never, ever be regarded as worthless. If they are treated as worthless, then I think I would do that person harm (if it were me in that position). It's a line that adults shouldn't cross. Ever.

It sounds to me (and I say this with the best intentions OP, I don't want to hurt you), that you are going back to the same personality type in a partner. If you can't stop that cycle for yourself, then for your DC's sake, you must do it for them. You are in a position to kill this relationship, once and for all - you don't live together - you and your children must be safe.

I'm sorry, but whatever nice words and gestures are said in between the bursts of anger, bringing your children into it would kill it for me. He'd be gone.

And, FWIW, he wants you sorry and contrite, and grateful for him for 'saving' you from your previous narc relationship. He wants you grovelling and weak and controllable. The fact that you are not makes him show his true colours. Make the final cut to this disturbing relationship OP.

Good luck.

LittleEsme · 05/05/2013 08:43

I've just read this thread and only realised at the end it is a few days old. My twopennorth is that he hates and resents you for leaving him and believes you should be grateful for him taking you back. That isn't going to change. He won't magically stop believing that, ever. He will always throw it in your face and use it as a stick to beat you with. You won't ever be able to live with him because his behaviour with always hold you back (thank goodness it does).
Not only that, he hates and resents that your children exist. This is the bit I can't get my head round. How can you allow someone who feels that way to have any contact with your children? That's where you are seriously letting them down. He is abusive to you and by definition, he is abusive to them.

And this. ALL of this. Read what we are saying OP. And keep reading it. Your DC are going to suffer if you let this man back in.