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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to being called a dick

187 replies

Catherinethemate · 07/04/2013 21:26

Apparently i was being a dick, as in i did something to upset my OH. He told me to shut up, then he called me a dick. I objected so he shouted SHUT UP YOU DICK! in my face. A big row eventually happened. Am i oversensitive? Does your OH say this to you? Even now when i say he shouldn't have called me it he says..don't be a dick then. If someone at work or in a social situation annoyed him i very much doubt he would shout SHUT UP DICK in their face so AIBU to find it unnacceptable???

OP posts:
MostPeopleAreMad · 08/04/2013 21:46

today he got in touch after blanking me and tells me i am a whore and i should look how fucked up my past relationship is and realise it's me. I am the common factor...

Catherine, PLEASE don't put up this. You don't deserve it. Redsquirrell is right - he's never going to change.

i feel like begging him to give me a chance...

No, no, no. And HE doesn't deserve another chance, either. Please get away from this awful "relationship" NOW.

MostPeopleAreMad · 08/04/2013 21:50

*don't put up with this

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/04/2013 21:53

Oh my love, you are not the problem here. Not by a long shot. He is a disaster waiting to happen. Don't let the disaster be on you and yours.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 08/04/2013 22:00

'.....i feel like begging him to give me a chance...'

Why, though?

This is the worst thing you can probably do. You're green-lighting him to continue to behave atrociously to you. He's awful >>> you beg for him back. Why would he ever change?

You are not the problem here. He is and always has been.

spiritedaway · 08/04/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/04/2013 22:49

Don't waste another seconds headspace on the mentaller.
Bin him for the love of Baby Cheezus.

SomewhereInTheMiddle · 08/04/2013 23:37

OP you forgot to namechange there. There's a lot of backstory to this, isn't there - how many times do you need to be told that this man is an abusive cunt before you do something about it??

kotinka · 08/04/2013 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Catherinethemate · 08/04/2013 23:48

Don't i know it, right now i am posting on here and trying to keep remembering all of the nasty stuff he has ever said. I have a tendency to tell myself he is acting out of hurt..we talk it over and he says he recognizes the problem and then seems to cycle to this again. I haven't let him move in, i have tried to do things on my terms. He actually said that today as one of the things that piss him off, that i want everything on my terms, so i'm not totally weak, just keep floundering.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catherinethemate · 08/04/2013 23:52

It does hurt like hell kotinka, thanks. I think you're 10 quid up.

OP posts:
SomewhereInTheMiddle · 08/04/2013 23:55

Re-read your threads - that's all the evidence you need that he's a nasty piece of work who's been controlling you for much too long. If you got away from one abusive cunt, then you can do it again. It's not fair on you or your kids to stay with someone who treats you like this.

Original poster
Catherinethemate · 08/04/2013 23:57

Somewhere...you speak sense, you all do.

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/04/2013 00:03

Jesus Christ.

  1. He called you a whore

  2. He made like he was going to hit you

  3. He ignored you (for how long?!)

Any one of those is a dealbreaker, and you've got three of 'em lined up right there. You've explained the problem, he improves for a bit, then carries on. That's textbook abusive behaviour.

As I've seen people say on here before, just because you've got rid of a 9/10 bastard doesn't mean you have to settle for a 7/10 bastard (I may have misquoted that, it's late and DS is asleep on me, but you get the gist)

Have a look at this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Original poster
Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 00:11

Yeah...the 7/10 thing makes total sense. There's also this idea surrounding you that your family and friends are so happy that things are working out after the last fuck up and it gets harder to say...well, actually, it's kind of shite! No reason to stay of course, just an observation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 00:16

That thread link is spot on....

OP posts:
Original poster
Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 00:39

I don't feel angry with him though, he does with me. He is furious and hates me right now and wants nothing more to do with me or my mistakes, by which he means children. Apparently I am selfish but can't see it in my little world where i am too busy punishing him. If only i would show shame about my past it would help. I had my chance with him but i blew it...his words. He had proposed to me but i said no because it was a couple of weeks after one of these blame attacks..don't think he has got over that. He is very loving and puts a lot more effort in than me but it gets him nowhere because he reverts to this. Our history is i left him for my ex, with whom i went on to have 2 children even though he was an abuser with form(unknown) because i liked it, i like playing head games and getting a reaction. In fact i just like playing the victim. After i humiliated him by leaving him for a very charming, richer (narc) I should feel bloody grateful he has taken me back. I make him feel like second best, I won't accept verbal abuse from him, even though i tolerated much worse from my ex. Worse still, when he went into my email and read years old messages where i had told my shit head abusive ex i loved him and wanted to fix things, or he sees holiday snaps of us me playing happy families, it proves i have been playing the victim all along and have never really been knocked about and harassed. I make it all up. He is sick of hearing this bullshit. Of course he gets pissed off and flares up. Who wouldn't?

OP posts:
trashcanjunkie · 09/04/2013 01:20

okay. What's your plan of action? Everyone is allowed to have a right good moan about shitty things that happen. That's been done. Your future is up to you now, so how are you going to take control? Smile

kotinka · 09/04/2013 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Catherinethemate · 09/04/2013 01:54

Wasn't meaning to justify it...just getting all the justifications he uses and putting them out there. In a way i feel he was always planning on merely tolerating the kids anyway, and i also think he would feel "tolerating" them would be the honourable thing to do. This is making me angry, which is good. He never wants our relatonship to be on a level field. I am supposed to start out from a denigrated position of "shame". I can see that is fucked up if not abusive in itself...right now my plan is to ignore when he is sorry..i hope i can do that instead of being kind and getting back into a dialogue.

OP posts:
Mrneedy · 09/04/2013 08:31

Has he called your children 'mistakes'?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/04/2013 08:39

it is abusive. you are in an abusive relationship.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/04/2013 09:02

You're supposed to feel 'shame' because you had two kids with someone you loved? That's... wow, that's certainly something.

Are you from a culture or religion that sometimes talks about women in those terms? Or is it just him?

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2013 09:09

You are in an abusive relationship and this man will damage you and your children. I bet once he moved in he wouldn't be so honourable towards them. How would you feel if he screamed 'dick' or 'whore' in the face of one of your DC? I don't think it's such a stretch to think he might, I mean, this is meant to be the honeymoon period! It's only downhill from here with this man. Run. Run fast.

And in answer to 'of course he gets pissed off, who wouldn't?'

Most men wouldn't. Most men would not search through your old emails. Most men would accept that their partner had a past and once loved other people. I don't mind that my DH loved other people - he's capable of love, why wouldn't he? You should be pissed off - not him. He doesn't respect your privacy. He's trying to make you feel subservient and worthless. He's trying to make you think your children are mistakes. I think his actions are far more damaging than a punch.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 09:19

When he crawls back this time, I really hope you will not continue to put your relationship with this inadequate and abusive man above the welfare of your kids

Loulybelle · 09/04/2013 09:39

I really hope you love your children enough to not go back to this man, because they will get the same treatment if you ever lived together, and they wouldnt have choose it, you would have, going from abuse to abuse, your kids dont deserve that and neither do you.

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