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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected a bit more from my mother following engagement?

84 replies

amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:06

So OH and I have just got engaged Smile

The first people we told were my parents, this morning in fact. While my dad seemed rather excited and was congratulating us, my mum hardly said anything & didn't seem interested in asking any questions or details about the wedding etc, my dad lead the way asking questions when usually he's the quiet one.

I don't know what to think. My OH feels a bit deflated & on our way home he was saying that my mum didn't look that happy- he was right, even though I tried to make some excuses.
Even as we said our goodbyes, my mum was just like "oh, see you soon" to both of us, she didn't say the one word I was expecting- congratulations.

God, I feel a bit embarrassed- I'm 35 yrs old, not a teenager about to elope...now wishing I'd just sent a text or done a brief phonecall!
I mean I wasn't expecting fireworks & champagne spraying everywhere, but I was hoping for some excitement from them or even just looking half pleased for us.
AIBU...?!

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 07/04/2013 13:08

Without knowing anything about you or your mum it's hard to tell.

LindyHemming · 07/04/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 07/04/2013 13:10

I agree, it's impossible to say without knowing more. If you Mum is usually nice then maybe she is just having a bad day or feels unwell?

SanityClause · 07/04/2013 13:10

You need to ask her.

She may have very good reasons for not wanting you to marry, or really stupid selfish ones.

Or, maybe she was feeling a bit unwell, or something.

Speak to her about it.

saffronwblue · 07/04/2013 13:10

Congratulations!

MrsPresley · 07/04/2013 13:10

Are you close to your mum?

Maybe she feels a bit sad at "losing" her DD, give her time I'm sure when the news has sunk in she will be excited.

Congratulations BTW Smile

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 07/04/2013 13:11

Ps. Thanks Wine congratulations. Grin

bluer · 07/04/2013 13:11

Maybe she's in shock? I know my dad lives my dh, we've been married a few years etc so when I told him we were pregnant finally I expected a bit of a different reaction to the one I got...he wasn't clearly happy or over the moon and said we'd struggle a we live far from family...a wee while later and he's come to terms and is very enthusiastic! Hope its just shock op!

elQuintoConyo · 07/04/2013 13:12

YANBU I had similar with my parents: Dad over the moon, dead chuffed, Mum cold and distant. But then that's her default setting. She's always all over my sister and two dc, but with me and mine, nada I'm not bitter
Over the years I've come to expect it. It's a very sad thing to experience, though, and I always feel like I have let her down.
Try and focus on your happy news and organising the wedding and spending the rest of your life with the man of your dreams and try not to turn into your mother

Congratulations, by the way Thanks

ComposHat · 07/04/2013 13:12

I know it is strange. My fiancée's mother has shown no interest in the wedding at all. Never asks how it is going or talks about her outfits/food or shown any signs of being pleased for us.

It has upset my fiancée a little bit and me too as I'm beginning to think that she doesn't want me marrying her daughter. But then her mum has always been a bit sour-faced and selfish and might be punishing us for the perceived slight of holding the wedding where we live, rather than where she does.

If I'm being charitable I'd say that weddings just aren't her thing and each to their own.

BarredfromhavingStella · 07/04/2013 13:13

Congratulations Flowers

YANBU to feel a little hurt as her reaction does sound a little odd but then again I don't know her. I would expect a mum to be thrilled by the news of her daughters engagement though-unless she doesn't like your DP?

Original poster
amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:14

Thank you!

Yes I'm hoping it's just shock too...no it's my first time getting engaged, never been married before, indeed the first ever man I've moved in with.
We've been together over 5 years so it's not like I picked him up in the pub a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/04/2013 13:16

What's your set up?

Do you two live together? Do you have kids together?

If so, I'd smile and say congratulations but inside I'd be thinking it's not the same as a couple who don't live together/have kids.

My mate lived with her DP for 6 years...they had 2 kids together and 3 step kids between them, yet they threw a massive engagement party and wondered why so many people were a bit 'meh' about it.

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 07/04/2013 13:16

Congratulations!
Maybe you took her by surprise and she'll be excited once the news sinks in? does she like your dp? If so, try not to worry!

Dh and I got engaged abroad, I insisted my mum be told first, went m to her house immediately, despite jet n lag etc - total anti climax. But she's a narc and was fed up that I was centre of attention instead of her, so i was daft for expecting anything else. I'm assuming your dmum is not and just was a bit surprised and didn't react the way shed have liked to

Are you the first child to get engaged btw? Maybe she suddenly felt a bit old?

SneakyNinja · 07/04/2013 13:17

Does she get on with OH?
I'd be a bit peeved to but there could be a whole host of reasons.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2013 13:19

Ahh X posted.

Perhaps she thinks living together is a far bigger step than getting engaged?

Either way, she could at least have shown more enthusiasm.

Original poster
amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:21

Yes I agree it's hard to interpret anything when you don't know the people involved. I just had to get it out somewhere & get opinions.

My mum can be a bit cold towards my OH, not in a nasty way but just not very warm towards him (or any other BF I've ever had). Not sure if that makes sense!
I guess to be honest she's never been over the moon about any previous relationships, always telling me to "stay independent" etc.

Actually a sore point from my parents point of view is that we 'still' rent our home...maybe they think we're stupid for spending money on a wedding rather than buying a home, I don't know. We live in London so buying somewhere is not going to happen any time soon!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/04/2013 13:24

Did she admire your engagement ring or just totally ignore the whole thing?

DottyandSpottyWot · 07/04/2013 13:24

Still waiting on my In-laws saying Congratulations on your engagement, and DH & I have been married for 10 years. MIL was on holiday abroad, and FIL was annoyed that now DH proposed when she wasn't here! We get on fine now!

strawberrypenguin · 07/04/2013 13:27

Congratulations Smile reminds me a little of when DH and I told my parents I was pg. My mum especially is very visible with her emotions (and nearly deafened me down the phone when I told her we were engaged) but pg announcement they were both quiet but did seem pleased just not the reaction I expected. Two days later on the phone it was all she could talk about! Think it just needed time to sink in - could it something similar with your mum? (DS couldn't ask for more enthusiastic gps he's thoroughly spoilt!)

Original poster
amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:29

Myself and OH been together over 5 years, lived together for 3, first marriage for both of us, no children (yet).

My two younger siblings are getting married this year- maybe this is the nail in the coffin for confirming to her that she's getting old?!
However, she seems really enthused about their weddings, especially my sister. Plus she has a grandchild who was born late last year.

Who knows, maybe she was hoping I'd stay a single and move back home to keep her company in later years?!
My Dad's reaction really made me smile, he was asking so many questions & seemed really pleased! This made me Smile

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 07/04/2013 13:34

Sounds in line with her previous responses to your partners, plus with your siblings getting married she is probably feeling less important all round. Blank it as much as you can, don't let it spoil things. And congratulations!

Original poster
amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:34

No engagement ring yet- we are going shopping for a ring, OH decided it was safest to let me choose one!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/04/2013 13:37

Congratulations! YANBU, she should have shown enthusiasm, she is your Mum and as such you ignore any personal feelings at the moment of announcement. I tend to be the other way round and think that couples who are obviously suited to each, by living together for many years, have more of a right to want everyone's congratulations and celebrations, rather than couples who haven't lived together. But then, I'm in my 40's and have seen so many marriage break-ups, by younger, non cohabitating couples that I think that every couple should have the same excitement around the wedding, regardless of age.

FredFredGeorge · 07/04/2013 13:39

You've lived together for 3 years, your "engagement" is already discounted by everyone who knows you because you're already committed don't expect excitement about something which isn't particularly exciting.