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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected a bit more from my mother following engagement?

84 replies

amandine07 · 07/04/2013 13:06

So OH and I have just got engaged Smile

The first people we told were my parents, this morning in fact. While my dad seemed rather excited and was congratulating us, my mum hardly said anything & didn't seem interested in asking any questions or details about the wedding etc, my dad lead the way asking questions when usually he's the quiet one.

I don't know what to think. My OH feels a bit deflated & on our way home he was saying that my mum didn't look that happy- he was right, even though I tried to make some excuses.
Even as we said our goodbyes, my mum was just like "oh, see you soon" to both of us, she didn't say the one word I was expecting- congratulations.

God, I feel a bit embarrassed- I'm 35 yrs old, not a teenager about to elope...now wishing I'd just sent a text or done a brief phonecall!
I mean I wasn't expecting fireworks & champagne spraying everywhere, but I was hoping for some excitement from them or even just looking half pleased for us.
AIBU...?!

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 08/04/2013 14:12

don't think engagements are what they used to be, especially to the older generation. young people used to date, get engaged while still living at home, get married shortly after and start their life together. now people are often together for years, living together, often having children before they get engaged and then stay engaged without marrying or wait another decade or so.

congratulations anyway OP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/04/2013 14:17

OP congratulations!

I remember threads of your worrying about whether he would ever propose or whether you should ditch him. Presumably you have come an agreement about children :)

I agree with Fellatio, does she have a problem with your OH? Had you discussed your worries about his commitment with her?

givemeaclue · 08/04/2013 14:21

Could she have wedding overload?

AnonymousBird · 08/04/2013 14:24

OP - sorry to hear about your mum's underwhelmed reaction.

My mum wasn't that different, didn't congratulate us, simply said through gritted teeth that she didn't think she was old enough to have a daughter getting married (I was nearly 29!) and walked off. My Dad, like yours, was chuffed to bits and immediately started asking about where we would like to get married etc etc.

We decided to marry quickly, within 3 months of getting engaged which then provoked another ridiculous reaction from mother dearest that "THREE MONTHS ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO ARRANGE A WEDDING". Hmm. Not sure why that bothered her, since she wasn't remotely excited about it all anyway!

Congratulations!

Original poster
amandine07 · 08/04/2013 19:20

Thanks fluffyraggies that's exactly it, I didn't want a big fanfare from my parents, just some excitement from my own mother and not looking like I'd just told her I'd been diagnosed with some nasty disease!

I'll try not to dwell too much, but it was very disappointing...especially as all our close friends and other family members (including the 'older generation') have been delighted for us.

It comes across as bitterness- in general I don't know why you been all bitter about someone else getting married- although I have to admit to the green-eyed monster when others when others have announced engagements Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 08/04/2013 19:34

alibabaandthe40nappies thank you! Ah yes I posted those threads when I was feeling a bit lost about everything, all the advice and opinions really did help keep me sane!
Yes we're going to start TTC at the end of the year, wedding is early next year.

No I didn't discuss any of the commitment worries with either parent- stuck to close friends for some major analysis to make some sense of how I was feeling.
She has no big issues with OH that I know of, although she is not pleased that we don't own our own home yet and we continue to rent.
I can just imagine that if I were to fall PG in the future she would make comments about how we should own our own home before having kids etc (as if it were that easy!!)
She did make a comment a year or so ago she thinks my OH should 'provide for me' I think implying that he should provide a 'proper home' rather than a rented apartment.
From that point of view I think she judges my OH as not providing everything for me however she misses the point that we're in a partnership sharing the bills, we both have decent jobs, I'm not expecting him to support me.

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 08/04/2013 19:37

To be honest, even if I was marrying Prince William she'd still find negative points!

OP posts:
ivehadaverybadday · 08/04/2013 19:44

Congrats OP! Sometimes people just don't react in the way you expect and it catches you off guard.
My MIL was like this when we got engaged. I thought she'd be estatic but she was just a bit, hmm, about it. I got upset later on and DH called her and asked what the problem was. No problem, she'd just been expecting it for ages and isn't really sure why she reacted as she did. She sent us a HUGE congrats bouquet, and got involved with the wedding plans, so all was well in the end.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 08/04/2013 19:58

My Mum wouldn't say much either...it's just who she is. No fuss type. Congratulations though!

Original poster
amandine07 · 08/04/2013 20:01

ivehadaverybadday
Thank you! My situation is kind of the opposite to yours- OH's parents were hugely excited & over the moon when we told them.

My OH feels even more uncomfortable with my parents now thanks to my mum's reaction- and this in turn has compounded my disappointment as he's asking whether my parents genuinely like him & if they really want me to marry him- not that it matters, we're getting married anyway!

I really don't like the way it has made him feel, especially as his parents' reactions were such an extreme contrast...almost feel embarrassed that my mum has reacted like this. He says I need to talk to my mum about it- I've tried to reassure him that they do like him but it feels a bit hollow when he's actually been sat there & seen my mum's underwhelmed reaction to our news Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 08/04/2013 20:06

No I don't think it's just who she is and no fuss type- I've seen her get very animated and loud at other people's news or stories, the day i got my degree she was over the moon & had a little cry.

I think I'm feeling disappointed and a bit cross as I think I know deep down that she's maybe displayed her true feelings to not just me, but my OH too.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 08/04/2013 20:11

Has she any reason not to like your fiancee?

DialsMavis · 08/04/2013 20:18

Are they paying towards the other weddings? Could she but a bit worried about affording to help with yours on top of the other 2? Does she like your PIL?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/04/2013 20:21

Ah good news on the TTC front, I'm really pleased for you Smile

Give your mum a chance to redeem herself. I wouldn't say anything, because that makes it into a 'thing'. Just carry on with your plans.

She might have just been caught on the hop and now be embarrassed that she didn't say more.

littlemisssarcastic · 08/04/2013 21:55

Apologies if someone else has already asked this, but does your mum actually like your OH?
Does she think he is a good man?

If she doesn't like him, this may be why she hasn't offered congratulations on your engagement. Perhaps she isn't excited at the thought of you marrying this man. Hmm

Thumbwitch · 09/04/2013 00:29

My mum was a bit like yours, OP - when I told her I was pregnant and showed her the ultrasound picture, she was very "Meh" about it - and said "Oh no, now I'll have a 6th grandchild", like she thought 5 was the perfect number of grandchildren or something! If I'd been having kittens she'd have been happier, I know. She wasn't thrilled about the baby or the subsequent wedding but that may have had something to do with a strange dislike of Irish Catholics (she went to a Convent school) - DH is Irish/Australian Catholic. she didn't like Australians much either; nor the fact that she expected I would be emigrating to Australia (yep)

Kiwiinkits · 09/04/2013 00:52

When we told my MIL and FIL we were engaged, my FIL kept on talking and my MIL got up from the couch and walked away! Terrible response! In the end I piped up and said, "is anyone going to say congratulations?" And they dutifully did, but with no real feeling there. In contrast, my parents broke out the champagne and were all hugs and whoops. Different strokes for different folks. I can't seem to get my PILs excited about anything unless its a scandal of some sort involving the neighbours or one of their friend's children.

I have felt aggrieved about their reaction for a long time. Our relationship is a bit strained but on the whole not too bad (they are Daily Mail types; Mil seems to be a bit threatened my failure to be a Stepford)

Kiwiinkits · 09/04/2013 00:54

Oh yeah and they barely rustled ANY enthusiasm when DD2 was born. Don't even think there was a phone call or gift. Random. I don't think it's personal against me, just a failure on their parts to feel any joy.

zipzap · 09/04/2013 00:56

Congratulations! Thanks

Maybe she is a bit overwhelmed if all her dd are getting engaged over a short time - if your other two sisters are also getting married this year, then maybe she is thinking 'OMG we promised ed1 (engaged daughter!) that we would give her £xx and it was going to be a bit of a stretch to give the same to ed2 this year too but obviously we need to treat them all the same but how are we going to afford to contribute to a third wedding without any time to save between them and how will I find not one but 3 perfect outfits and will all the guests bother to come to three family weddings in such a short time space and ed3 isn't going to get a good deal out of this as nobody will be able to afford to come to her wedding and buy her a present and we were planning on having a nice relaxing holiday after ed2's wedding and now we won't be able to to and I'll just spend the next few months having to organise everybody's wedding and I won't have any life to myself and and and and and....

(and yes, that was deliberately one reallllly long sentence - if your mum is panic-ing about things like this then there are probably a million thoughts running through her mind all competing for space and not really processing any of them.

Not of course that you are expecting any money from them or want/expect any help planning your wedding but you might find that she is expecting to (I was really quite surprised by the amount of input my mum wanted to have in planning my wedding as I'd mistakenly thought that it was my wedding but no, seems that every mum wants to have a second go at organising a wedding to do the things they got wrong or that weren't available when they got married Hmm)

Christmasberry · 09/04/2013 01:16

Did he ask your dads permission? Maybe she could be upset about this if he didn't?

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/04/2013 19:46

alibaba thank you- re TTC I just needed some timescales, not necessarily a baby RIGHT now.

Yes I've thought about it and I'm going to just leave it for now- I really don't want to make a 'thing' about it by trying to get answers.
The thing is- I wonder if my mum is even aware of how she came across although I think she must be, surely?

christmasberry no he didn't ask my father's permission, but this is something I'd never have expected him to do, nor is it something my parent have ever talked to me about.

I have never really discussed marriage with my mum although she has said on a few occasions that her & my dad are 'traditional' whatever that means as she did not elaborate.

OP posts:
Original poster
amandine07 · 09/04/2013 19:47

I think they may have had a 'shotgun wedding' before I was born- I certainly don't think it was in the plan for me to appear!

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 09/04/2013 19:53

Congratulations :) I remember your previous threads as well, glad you got the outcome you hoped for.

The first thing my mum said when we announced our engagement was 'are you sure?'. She's getting excited about the wedding now but it still hurt at the time that she couldn't congratulate us.

Original poster
amandine07 · 09/04/2013 19:59

zipzap thanks for the congrats..I've got younger brother & sister (18 months difference- twins). So I am the eldest.

I know my parents are contributing to my brother's wedding though am unsure how much. With my sister they are paying for her dress, although her fiancé and his family are pretty well off so I don't think they're contributing anything else.

We have not asked for any contribution at all, we're still trying to work out the budget etc. put it this way- we're not expecting a lump sum from them or anything.

Maybe it is wedding overload, but my siblings are in a different situation- one has a young baby and the other is expecting in a couple of months. They both have mortgages- they are all younger than me...me & OH want to have kids but I'm 35 already and am not prepared to wait another couple of years to get married to leave a 'suitable gap' after my siblings' wedding.
If anything I need to crack on with everything now! Smile

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 09/04/2013 20:06

OH and I lived together before we decided to get married. when we told our families no-one was at all surprised because it was "on the cards" so to speak. MIL just said "Oh I am pleased" and I can't even remember my mum's reaction. I recall feeling a little deflated by their reactions, but it didn't last long.

They were both pleased for us but just weren't the sort of people to jump up and down for joy.

Perhaps your mum is the same and perhaps she is thinking about the expense of yet another family wedding.

Congratulations anyway.