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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect children to care for parents at some point

247 replies

ruthyroo · 05/04/2013 10:54

Had an interesting discussion with my parents recently.

They were talking about an aged relative - my aunt's MIL - who is 90 and in failing health, and slipping into dementia. She has recently been in hospital, and is not keen to go home. She has asked to go to stay with my aunt and uncle 'until she's back on her feet'. My parents were talking about it as if she was scheming and conniving to somehow get her foot in the door at my Aunt's and sneakily live there forever instead. Since she is 90 and feels very vulnerable I said that surely it was totally natural for her to want to be with people she knows and trusts, and wasn't that what families did for each other.

Their reaction was very much that parents sacrifice themselves for children and help them out, not the other way round. And that if I expected my dc to look after me when I was old, well I'd better not rely on that. I pointed out that DH and I moved back to the UK from Aus, partly because they and my PIL are not getting any younger and that we fully expect to have to help them out more in the future. But they were not to be budged: parents help children out (financially, childcare, lodgings, support etc) - not the other way round.

In my aunt's case there are other factors that would not have made it a great idea for her to take her MIL in - she's not in great health herself, my uncle is in a wheelchair and she doesn't have children nearby to help her out. But my parents applied the same rule to themselves and said that they had no expectation of my sister and I helping them out or - God forbid - offering a place to live if they needed it when they are older.

AIBU and totally niave to expect that children help parents as well as the other way round?

OP posts:

LookingForwardToMarch · 05/04/2013 18:22

Absolutely :D Already have my mums room sorted for in a few years and looking forward to it!

She gave birth to and cared for me and my brothers and sisters. Why wouldn't I want to be as close to her as possible when she its her turn to be vulnerable.

Plus it will get my child (hopefully by then children ) extra time with granny. And set a good example that in this family we love and care for each other especially when it matters most, even if its difficult/not an ideal situation

BooCanary · 05/04/2013 18:23

I expect to have to care for DM, and it fills me with dread tbh.

DM is disabled and although she can manage her own personal needs, she relies heavily on my DF re housework. She is a lovely mum, very generous in every way, and normally very self sacrificing. However, after spending several longish spells in hospital and receiving very poor standards of care on more than one stay, she is seriously frightend about how she, and her very specific needs, would be catered for in a care home.

She has mentioned numerous times about coming to live with us in the future, if my df goes before her. My dsis is likely to be very little help. I want to help but my lovely DM is set in her ways and we are too similar for it to be an easy ride.

Laquitar · 05/04/2013 18:25

OP i don't know what is rightand what is wrong but i can only tell you that it is very very hard. I have mine living with us and it is extremely hard honestly. I had 3 dcs in 4 years and that looks easy peasy comparing to looking after elderly ill parents. To me anyway.

The thing is it is very rare in these situations to not have the unfairness factor in too. Sorry, i feel a bit bitter right now but db and sil had all the help when my parents were fit but now they want nothing to do with them. So i can not help it, i feel a bit resentful about this. I suppose it is better if all the children take it in turns to help but i dont know any family like this. It is usually one fool.

stopgap · 05/04/2013 18:26

We plan to build an annex on the side of our home for my mother-in-law. He's Jewish, and the emphasis on familyeven in non-religious families, such as my husband'sis very strong.

I'm 3000 miles away from my parents, and I do worry about not being there for them when they become infirm, as we are close.

BasilBabyEater · 05/04/2013 18:28

Sorry SL, missed that.

Another thing, a very significant number of people grow up in abusive families. Someone else mentioned this and said there is no obligation in that case, but fact is, people don't want to disclose painful things about their childhoods and shouldn't have to, to get a social dispensation.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2013 18:30

poppypebble

It wouldn't be bad if it were her choice.
Everytime she starts to build confidence her parents take it away.

You may have chosen to look after your mother, she however hasn't.

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 18:31

I suppose if it proves one thing, this thread proves that we are all different and all have different priorities.

BooCanary · 05/04/2013 18:31

Yy in that it usually gets left to one child. That will be me in my family. Luckily it will be Dh's Dsis in his family I would presume.

My parents didn't have any of their parents living with them in old age. Maternal GPS lived with my aunt and paternasl GPS lived a long way away.

SprinkleLiberally · 05/04/2013 18:33

I'm just glad you agree Basil. Lots of peoplw just seem to accept it as women's work or duty. Fine if you choose it, but not fone as default.

badguider · 05/04/2013 18:34

My mum worked as a care home manager until she retired and now volunteers with the elderly and dementia patients. She has always said we should hand her and my father over to the professionals when the time comes. Obviously she'd like us to visit, but she doesn't want us to try to look after them while also looking after our children and trying to hold down a job. She feels it's too much for anybody.

I don't see it as 'palming them off' as others have said and think that wording is quite offensive for what is often a caring and considered decision to do the right thing for everybody.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2013 18:35

I think a ninety year old with failing health and the start of dementia would need quite a lot of care that your aunt and uncle might well not manage to do. Often quite frail elderly people end up looking after another relative to the detriment of their own health.

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 18:38

Well, as I said badguider, we are all different. I would see it as palming my mum off and she would, I have no doubt, kill herself if placed in a care home. Having seen first hand some of the attempts at 'care' in some of these places, I wouldn't blame her.

I see my family as my responsibility - you do what you can. If you choose a partner and children, then you probably aren't going to be able to provide the care an elderly parent needs, so you will need access to professionals. I made a different choice and I'm not sure why that should be looked down on?

badguider · 05/04/2013 18:41

poppy I am not looking down on your decision in the slightest. It is absolutely fine for you. No business of mine.
I'm bristling a bit that you're using language that really quite strongly condemns my (and others') different decision.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2013 18:43

poppypebble
"... she would, I have no doubt, kill herself if placed in a care home."

Is this your summation or has she said as much?

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 18:44

I said that my siblings would be happy to 'palm off' my mother. I think it is totally okay to condemn that decision, as I'm pretty sure it would be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. One of them even bought a car that she would be unable to get in, on purpose, so that they never had to give her a lift or take her to appointments. How is that not palming off the mother who often went without food to ensure you were fed and clothed as a child?

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 18:45

She has said as much, Boney. I have no doubt that she would, we are a family of depressives.

exoticfruits · 05/04/2013 18:59

I have spoken to all my DCs separately and I have told them that they are not responsible for me when I am old and I will not live with them, I have said that should I forget that later they are to remember our conversation.
I am deadly serious about it.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 05/04/2013 19:01

I said Mum would live with us until she was diagnose with Moderate Mixed Dementia recently. I know now there is no way I will be able to care for her long term as she deteriorates. She was never easy but this is a whole new ball game. My brother hasn't seen her for 4 years (though hopefully coming soon), she's estranged from her sister and has no friends. There's just me.

It's been totally horrendous getting as far as diagnosis and a care package. My children have suffered in the process. I have learned quickly that I have to protect myself for my family's sake. When Mum was diagnosed 3 weeks ago the Consultant said he would be honest, that it would be very stressful and he often has to prescribe Anti Depressants for people in my situation.

When the time comes that Mum needs 24 hour care for her own safety then she will be going into a home. I've read the Alzheimer's Carers boards and know I can't do what's require. I wouldn't want my children to do it for me.

whitecloud · 05/04/2013 19:06

So many good points on this thread. I would say, you may feel differently when the time comes. Apart from the dreadful problems of dementia, old people can change in personality and become uncooperative with age. I think we should all be realistic. If a relationship in a family is difficult and the parties don't get on, illness is going to make it worse and it would be very unwise to live in the same house. It just wouldn't work out and everyone would be miserable. As many have said, it's the wrong relationship and parents might feel very embarrassed if children undertook their personal care.

Equally, if someone won't see the doctor or accept any outside help, caring becomes emotionally fraught and almost impossible. I speak with feeling because my parents were like that - it was agonising watching them going downhill. No way could I have had them to live with me if I was expected to do absolutely everything without help or cooperation. Totally unfair and completely impossible. My brothers were wonderful, but two of us were adamant that my brother (who lived nearest) should not move back in with my dm if she wasn't going to help herself or us.

All the points about dementia are so true. You can't care for someone 24/7 with no break or holiday, especially if they do dangerous things like leave stoves on etc. In the end you would break your own health and then what good would you be to them, yourself, or anyone else? It takes a special saintly person to cope with that and I know that I couldn't and dread the thought of being that much of a burden or making someone else give up their life for me. I am going to make my own arrangements so as not to be a burden on my dd. But, each to his own, as so many have said and every case is different.

hazeyjane · 05/04/2013 19:17

I suppose if it proves one thing, this thread proves that we are all different and all have different priorities.

No, poppypebble, not different priorities, just different lives.

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 19:19

I think it is different priorities, hazey. If you choose to have children yourself, then of course they have to become your priority. If you don't, a parent needing care can be your priority.

SprinkleLiberally · 05/04/2013 19:23

My children will absolutely be my priority. My lovely parents would be horrified by anything else. My parents are relatively young at the moment, so chances are, my DC will be grown when they need me. My IL's are needing care now. My dc come first.

poppypebble · 05/04/2013 19:24

As it should be, Sprinkle. I've made the decision not to have children, so it will not be an issue for me.

SprinkleLiberally · 05/04/2013 19:27

hazeyjane · 05/04/2013 19:35

However, Poppy, there are all sorts of circumstances at play in people's lives, and I don't think it should just be the default that it should fall to the sibling without children to care for their parents.

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