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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to argue with MIL about breastfeeding?

107 replies

avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 20:36

I have had two babies who I breastfed for 1 year each, I fed on demand. I am now pregnant with my 3rd. I mentioned to MIL I was dreading the initial 6 week period where the baby just wants to feed all the time, and she said my first two were very strange for wanting to do that, and this time hopefully I will have a normal baby who feeds every 4 hours. I should of just smiled and nodded, that is what I normally do in these situations, but I am 8 months pregnant and things like this get under my skin at the moment as I know what I am doing with my own children. My reply was that it is normal for breastfed babies to feed an awful lot in the first 6 weeks, and she said no it is not all other babies feed every 4 hours they should not be feeding all the time. I answered that the 4 hourly routine is outdated now and that the nhs say babies should be fed on demand. She got really angry and said the 4 hourly routine was invented because it worked and it worked for all her 5 children and she has bought up 5 children so she knows what she is doing and the nhs and midwives don't know anything. It actually got very heated and I know this time she will be round visiting telling my DH I am over feeding my children and babies only need 6 feeds a day (luckily my DH ignores her!). I know I am hormonal at the moment as I am 8 months gone but I wish I had just smiled and nodded at her and feel like I should not have caused an argument, I normally keep my views to myself but to be honest am sick of all her outdated advice. She will also be phoning me telling me to give the baby water or it will dehydrate I imagine as that is what she did with the last two, even phoning my DH at work on a very hot day before!! AIBU to have got involved in an argument, I should have just smiled and nodded and ignored shouldn't I?

I feel really bad tonight as I do not like arguments, and am now dreading all the comments at family events about my strange over feeding babies as all others in her family seem to do 4 hourly bottle feeds. She breastfed for a couple of weeks 4 hourly but said she was such a busy lady her milk was not good quality, I said that was because she fed 4 hourly and that just made the argument worse :( why oh why did I not just smile and nod :(

OP posts:
Welovegrapes · 04/04/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 21:08

With my other two she used to hold them for hours when she visited and my DH had to try and get them off of her so I could feed, and she would say they only fed 2 and a half hours ago they don't need feeding for another hour and a half. It's weird she only gets on my nerves when we have a child under 1, after that she seems to back off a bit with all the advice. Oooh I need to calm down but she just gets under my skin and I am not sure how I am going to cope with all the 'advice' for a 3rd time!!

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 04/04/2013 21:09

Lol Lois - yes "Eating again MIL? Another cup of tea? You can't possibly be hungry/thirsty. Has it really been four hours?"

Scholes34 · 04/04/2013 21:10

Let this be a lesson to us all in how not to behave once we have the delight of being a MIL ourselves.

Original poster
avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 21:11

Hehe yes limiting cups of tea when she visits to every 4 hours would be brilliant! lol x

OP posts:
pamelat · 04/04/2013 21:12

Good to hear advice has not changed but SIL was told every 3 hours and ended up having to FF as baby got seriously dehydrated :(

I just assumed the advice had changed but she may have been given outdated advice then.

I found comments like "oh feeding again" very hurtful. I couldn't just ignore them all the time as it used to really upset me, like I wasn't doing a good job or something.

I think a gentle word re how you find it upsetting may be avoid thing

fridayfreedom · 04/04/2013 21:13

I'm sure when I was training as a BF counsellor we were to that the 4 hourly feeds came from watching calves feed, not certain if that's right but you could share the info with your MIL :)

amouseinawindmill · 04/04/2013 21:14

Crikey. this reminds me of my DM's insistence that the proper way to establish BF was....
Day 1. One minute per breast, both breasts every 4 hours.

Day 2. Two minutes per breast, both evety 4 hours.

Day 3. Three minutes...

And so on until you reach the maximum 10 minutes per side.

Pure madness! After jaundice and tongue tie I fed DS on demand, to her confusion.

But she thought she was right because that is what her NHS midwife told her in the 70s. If the advice changes by the time I am a grandmother, I hope I won't annoy my future DIL by being "helpful" with outdated advice.

fridayfreedom · 04/04/2013 21:14

ie how often calves feed

CreatureRetorts · 04/04/2013 21:14

It was probably a HV spouting crap about every 3 hours.

Yes I remember the "feeding again?" comments. In the end, I would retort about stuffing babies full of formula so they became obese not my finest hour

b4bunnies · 04/04/2013 21:15

haven't read the responses but would guess everyone has said she's wrong. don't take any notice. smile and nod as you have in the past.

at least you won't be surprised when your baby latches on and stays there for weeks.

glancing up the thread - she holds your babies for 'hours'? she has no right!

Original poster
avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 21:15

I would like to think when I am a MIL I will read up on current advice so I can be supportive and helpful and not give what I did as advice. My Mum has kept up to date with things, she works with younger people though and when I started having DC she used to ask them about what they do and listen with interest when I told her why breastfed babies no longer had bottles of water she didn't take offence, she just says everyone should follow the advice of the time, that way you are doing the best you can. I'm so glad she is like this as I can vent to her about MIL :)

OP posts:
Loislane78 · 04/04/2013 21:16

1 minute per breast every 4 hours Shock poor little things would only just get going before being wrenched off :(

pictish · 04/04/2013 21:17

I'm so glad my mil wasn't and isn't like this. I'm even tempered enough, but something like this could make me snap.

pictish · 04/04/2013 21:18

Your mum sounds very sensible. My mum was good too from that pov. She jut let me get on with it, and offered advice or her opinion when asked.

Original poster
avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 21:19

I am so glad I started this thread I am feeling better all ready, I normally avoid arguments at all costs but at 8 months pregnant with 2 under 6 I am tired and getting fed up with her, but felt so bad for arguing my point with her instead of the usual smile and nod. Glad I am not alone with the MIL advice!!

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 04/04/2013 21:20

Really feel for you

My mum admitted to me that the reason she ran out of milk for me is that she only fed me every 4 hours. She is sorry now that she didn't listen to her body and me. She could only BF for 6 weeks before I got formula.

Mil ignored all advise and fed DH on demand.

neontetra · 04/04/2013 21:22

My DM did the four hour routine thing with me and DB, and in both cases had to switch to formula pretty early as we weren't gaining weight. I think she sort of acknowledges that on demand feeding would have helped her carry on longer, but also it is such an alien concept to her that she found it hard not to make comments about it when I first had DD, though also in many ways she did help and support me with BF. I guess it is such an emotive topic - we all want to feel we've done the best we Personally could for our DC. That said, your MIL does sound like she's picking fights, not trying to help. Oh, and the water thing, my MIL (who ff) was obsessed with that, despite DH incessantly telling her that ebf babies don't need it. I sometimes wonder if I will be like this if I am ever a gran, and the nhs guidance has totally changed once again...

sneezecakesmum · 04/04/2013 21:26

I am of the 'older generation'!! I breastfed on demand, co slept with both my babies, and my DD breastfed for a ridiculously long time but I let HER decide when to give up (not telling when!)

My DD now with a week old newborn breastfeeds on demand, co sleeps etc etc. I would not dream of interfering if she wanted to bottle feed, 4 hourly or whatever. I think the problems you are having are not generational more personality based. Ignore ignore ignore and do what is right for you and your children Smile

MsVestibule · 04/04/2013 21:26

I don't have a MIL, but my mum came out with a couple of classics:

  • DC1 wouldn't latch on at all, so I expressed for 2 months. I once gave my mum the bottle so she could feed her DGC; she commented that the milk looked 'unsubstantial' Hmm. Just what I needed after constantly beating myself up for not being able to BF successfully.

  • I was more successful with DC2, but he still fed a lot. My mum asked if I felt like a cow.

And how do people smile and nod? My temperament just doesn't allow it!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 04/04/2013 21:29

Hormones or not, your MIL is totally wrong!!! If it is any consolation, my DM was exactly the same, did not understand feed on demand and probably still doesn't to this day. This went on for months after DD was born, and in her head became the sole reason for DD not sleeping through the night, not doing this, not doing that. It really started to grate! Every conversation we had that involved feeding DD came back to her bloody 4 hourly advice routine and she still cannot understand that in very young babies, this can be dangerous. Conversely, my aunt is the same age as my mum and was fully supportive of feed on demand, read up on BLW etc so I don't think it can be down to age.
Good luck with your new baby and with putting MIL in her place.

Smooshy · 04/04/2013 21:29

Ahh, my MIL said her milk wasn't good enough for her babies, and I wonder if it's because she followed 4 hourly feeding. She then ff all hers, and I was the first in the family to bf so got a lot of comments about it which I ignored.

It is hard, and yanu to get hormonal and argue back when you've already been over it with your other 2 babies. I'm glad your DH is willing to stick up for you too!

olivertheoctopus · 04/04/2013 21:34

She is a dick and I'm not surprised you flipped. Rise above it, you know best!

Original poster
avoidingarguments · 04/04/2013 21:58

It is a shame as I am dreading family events already with everyone thinking I am weird! I secretly think they are all weird with giving 4 month old monster munch as they all say these are 'the best crisps for babies', and that their babies are 'advanced' as they are on 3 meals a day at 3 months old and my babies are slow because I do not allow them indepedence as I am always feeding them (which is not true at about 3 months DD1 would feed on average about 8 to 12 times a day which is surely not 'all the time') and I cannot actually remember how much DS2 fed it was all a blur by then!). But they thought my DC were slow children as they were not on solids at 3 months. Actually writing this I think they are actually very rude to me and I have probably done well to keep my cool so far (apart from loosing it today!!)

OP posts:
zipzap · 04/04/2013 22:33

Don't feel bad. If she didn't want an argument then she shouldn't have started one - if you'd wanted advice you would have asked and you have successfully brought up 2 babies already so you are hardly a newbie at doing this... YADNBU.

Point out that you are both doing exactly the same thing - you are both doing exactly what the experts of the time thought was the best thing for their children. If she says that she did it because her mum did it - then ask her if she really expects her gc to be brought up with advice that comes from a great grandma rather than the best advice of the day (and if she did do what her mum/mil suggested, then maybe she sees it as her right to have her go now at telling you as she felt she had to listen when she had babies).

HOpefully though she will say that she followed the best advice of the day - in which case, why does she think that a) you wouldn't want to do the same for your baby and b) why is she not extending you the courtesy of assuming that you wouldn't want to do the same as she did. Experts of the day always have more data to work with than the ones that came before them, including hindsight of the longer term effects of the outcomes of the advice given.

It's easier to see with some things - like the data for cot deaths and sleeping positions - than others - such as feeding, why the advice changes. Point out that things are changing all the time and there will be things that will be different now from when you had your first dc (for me - dc 3 years apart - all the info on how to make up formula feeds had changed, ds1 was ff as I couldn't get him to bf; ds2 took to bf and had about 3 bottles in total. But I'd never say to anyone that they were doing it wrong if they did it differently from me - unless say they were feeding them lemonade at 7 weeks or something completely unorthodox - even then, there may be a reason they were doing it).

OK so she had problems with her milk doing 4 hours feeds when breastfeeding - well she was busy (especially towards the end with 5 kids!) she says and we know now that those are not good conditions for breastfeeding so she was probably onto a loser to start with. It's hard to discover that they have found better ways to do things than the way you did it - particularly if she found self worth from looking after her babies - that the only way she knows how to hang onto it is to proclaim her way as best and to do your way down. Maybe she is jealous that she wasn't able to breastfeed and instead felt compelled to follow the advice of the day. Maybe she's a bit of an old bat and just wants to impose her way is best and there shall be no changes ever on the people in her world.

But on the other hand Grin I think that the key word in her rant if you do want to let hormones loose and give as good as you get was 'invented' - you don't need something invented; Mother Nature provided you with a perfectly good way of keeping your baby happy - feeding on demand. Not like cave age mum's had a handy timer to do 4 hour feeds. And 4 hours sounds like an awfully convenient man-made construct - very handy that babies like to be fed every 4 hours rather than every 3 hours and 39 minutes or 4 hours and 52 minutes!

apologies in advance if this cross posts with anyone - started this ages ago and there were only 2 posts on the thread - but tired and don't want to risk losing it by checking the thread to see how it's moved on...