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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Online dating - 'No brats in tow please' from a mid-40s male. Seriously??

178 replies

Mendi · 04/04/2013 20:02

The following from the Match.com page of a slightly pudgy, looks 45-years old plus loser '42 year old' 'commodities trader':

'I'm looking for fun/ friendship/relationship, but am looking for an independent woman who can do 50:50, especially financially. No freeloaders please. No 'worn the t-shirt' types (but who've still failed to learn from mistakes & blame everyone else, but themselves). No 'free dinner/drink ticket' types. No 'baggage/brats in tow' types (do you really think a man wants someone else's mistakes or left overs to bother with? Get a reality check, pleaze). And no 'cheap easy trashy commodity' types. I could go on, and lament sometimes. Just someone who is honest and down to earth, but has moderate style, finesse and poise (plus can pay her own way in life, or did I already say that. Lol). Simple basics can go a long way. '

I have only dipped my toe in the water of OD and already realised it;s not for me. All blokes who expect your knickers to drop off at the mere prospect of hooking up with him, or like this guy, sort of 'don't bother me if you have ANY baggage at all' even though at my age I must surely reasonably expect that any woman of appropriate age will have at least a failed relationship or a kid or two.

'No baggage/brats in tow types (do you really think a man wants someone else's mistakes or left overs to bother with?...'

What a charmer.

OP posts:

RunningAgain · 04/04/2013 22:02

Sorry was meant to be funny. I thought you meant chaff, but perhaps not

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 22:03

"wading through the chuff"

Gossipmonster · 04/04/2013 22:04

Sorry

RunningAgain · 04/04/2013 22:04

Whereas I understand "chuff" to be a slang term for "vagina"

RunningAgain · 04/04/2013 22:04

Sorry x post

Gossipmonster · 04/04/2013 22:05

I meant chaff ..... Honest ekk!

Original poster

Mendi · 04/04/2013 22:05

Gossipmonster are you this bloke?

I really can't see how anyone could 'defend' such twattish behaviour simply with a 'he's not here to defend himself'. This is how he chooses to present himself to the outside world. Online dating (or any dating) is all about presenting your best self. Ergo, this chap considers these comments a fair representation of his 'best self'.

Sad.

OP posts:

xkittyx · 04/04/2013 22:07

Honesty? Will, he's been honest that he's a total tool I guess....
I don't have children and don't want any but that man's phrasing would have me running a mile in the opposite direction, were I looking.

Gossipmonster · 04/04/2013 22:10

I wasn't defending him.

Just think its an unfair platform for him to be vilified on.

If some women came across as a complete slut would it be ok for a guy to post on a forum and everyone set dates up with her to see if she's as easy as she appears?

Hesterton · 04/04/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenAK · 04/04/2013 22:14

He hasn't actually sold himself at all, has he, beyond being someone who claims online to be a commodities trader (so that's a bit vague & not terribly trustworthy) & has a penis?

Nothing about his own interests or what he has to offer.

I think him being a misogynist boor would be a deal-breaker anyway, but I just can't imagine him having much to talk about, or being any fun to hang out with.

I met my dh online. Within 3 conversations had decided to marry the poor bugger, just because he made me laugh, put me on my mettle & was generally interesting & a challenge.

This chap seems to be trying to present himself as a) wealthy & b) a bit of a ladykilling bastard. Neither actually rings terribly true though.

BadabingBadabong · 04/04/2013 22:15

I've checked him out. He likes eating in weatherspoons, reads the daily mail, likes cereal for breakfast!!! A real catch.

Original poster

Mendi · 04/04/2013 22:17

Well I certainly haven't invited anyone to arrange a date with him Gossipmonster and now MN HQ has removed his username no one will be easily able to find him.

However, I do think that anyone who advertises his or herself pn a public forum broadcasting such offensive views can hardly expect the general viewing public to universally say 'well at least he's being honest'. If I were to set up a profile saying 'Guys, don't bother me unles you're white', I think people would be quite right to find that deeply offensive too.

You do not need to say 'Ladies get real, do you really think I want to take on someone else's kids?', you can just say 'I'm not interested in children and would prefer to meet someone without children.' Conveys the same message. Is fair. Doesn't make you sound like an utter utter twat.

OP posts:

Zilvernblue · 04/04/2013 22:18

He sounds very aggressive and nasty. I'm trying it and I find it depressing, just how many nasty and deeply unattractive men are out there, waiting to pounce. I have a thread on my experiences in Relationships, but this gem came from an entirely, wrinkled elderly man who was clearly in his late 50s but claimed to be 46 (and messaged me, a woman 11/25 years younger (take your pick)).

"I'll probably get slated for this, but come on girls.. If you're in your 50's and dress like an old prude in sensible cardigans, then the chances are you'll have more in common with my mum than me, so I'm really not likely to be interested. Also, and I'm sorry to admit this but I'm a teeny bit shallow, and regardless how great your personality is, there's got to be some initial attraction".

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 22:19

Well just the 50:50 actually means 10:90 really - with him providing the 10% of input/paying for meals etc.

If he's a commodities broker I'm a shovel.

Gossipmonster · 04/04/2013 22:21

But if he wants to sound like an utter twat that's up to him. It's a free country.

You have to neither message him nor reply. You can block him.

It's unfair to put anyone up for teasing and vilification on a public forum, without their knowledge without them having the option to defend themselves.

I have seen a lot worse than he sounds.

Had guys send me a picture of their cock with no message.

I found that more offensive.

LooseyMy · 04/04/2013 22:21

Fair dos, I'd rather him be honest so that I know to avoid him!

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 22:22

The grizzled old drunk from next door looked me up and down when we first met and pronounced 'she's got plenty of meat on her but she's okay' - very gracious of the wizened bugger. Like I was going to fall into his arms and declare my undying love or something.

Original poster

Mendi · 04/04/2013 22:33

Gossipmonster I've had cock photos sent through private messaging on OD sites before and find that offensive, but much less so than seeing someone advertise his offensive views in public, which this bloke has. I'm not offering him up personally for vilification (as I have no idea who he is in RL), I'm offering him up as an example of a type.

OP posts:

AdmiralCurtain · 04/04/2013 22:34

Mendi - The blokes an unpleasant sounding character and someone when I was online dating I would have skipped over his profile however I do not think:
If I were to set up a profile saying 'Guys, don't bother me unles you're white', I think people would be quite right to find that deeply offensive too.
Is quite the same as saying 'Ladies get real, do you really think I want to take on someone else's kids?' why can't someone be upfront about not wanting children - theirs or someone elses?
And as above - MN may have removed the details but you did post them, I think anyone doing that with a women's profile would have been quite rightly slated.

Don't like him - don't date him. I doubt he'd have many takers anyway.

AdmiralCurtain · 04/04/2013 22:37

In fact - I find it quite offensive that you could possibly compare racist comments with a bloke who doesn't want to date a women with children (of any ethnicity)

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 04/04/2013 22:44

What a twat. Still, at least it's clear he's a twat and you haven't had to spend anytime finding that out later!

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 22:46

Maybe his wife has found his dating profile and has changed it?

I do agree that at least you don't have to waste any time on this idiot though.

Original poster

Mendi · 04/04/2013 22:47

Ok then point taken re the racism element (though Radio 4 Today programme today reported that Manchester police is extending it's definition of hate crimes to those including crimes against cultural groups such as emos and punks - query whether this is any different to an offensive statement against a person for having children).

Let's say instead that someone's OD profile says 'ladies [or guys for that matter], seriously don't bother me if you're over 25, seriously, do you really think any man wants to deal with your excess flab and saggy tits? Get real!'

Is that ok? Or could that person just say 'I like young nubile bodies and that's all i'm interested in'? Conveys the same message, is less offensive to large swathes of that person's readership.

OP posts:

Alconleigh · 04/04/2013 22:50

I am roaring at the idea of a trader who loves Wetherspoons. Er, right.

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