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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

hideous PIL situation... advice please!

107 replies

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 12:52

posting here so it will disappear...

DH and I have been married 10 years - love him to bits and we are very happy. We have 2 DC under 4. I always thought that his parents were alright. They are very blunt and seem to think they can say things other people can't, but I always took the view that they didn't do it maliciously and tried very hard not to get upset etc etc. I can see that sometimes I was a bit defensive because she is so incredibly rude but did try not to be. I have also had bad PND since DC2 which she didn't know about because she is a gossip and it is none of her business. Last year she was visiting the DC and announced over supper one evening that "she and FIL had watched me for a few years now and although they thought I was alright at the beginning, they have now decided that they don't like me".

The fallout, needless to say has been immense. She got to the point of ringing up my mother to complain about my upbringing and had told everyone that DH agrees with everything she said, despite DH bursting into tears over her complete inability to listen to anything he said. She now accepts she was wrong (although FIL doesn't and just ignores me) and has apologised and now clearly thinks that it is all over and we can just go back to normal and carry on. I am finding that very hard. I can't stand to be around them as I just feel they are judging me again, and don't wish to see them. I keep trying to be the bigger person here and just carry on and then just freeze when they arrive. The whole thing has been just excellent for the depression too Sad. What do I do, should I be the bigger person?

OP posts:
piprabbit · 04/04/2013 14:59

How on earth did your MiL honestly think that it was going to pan out? That you were going to sit and nod and agree that you are indeed an awful person? That you would be hurt and upset? That your DH would leave you? I can't begin to imagine what she thought she was going to gain.

They are deranged. Avoid.

hairtearing · 04/04/2013 15:26

Does she have MH problems?

that is very erratic behaviour?

Inertia · 04/04/2013 15:57

Sillybilly- I'd cut contact, they wouldn't be welcome in my house after that. And I'd lose a lot of respect for my husband if he tried to insist on the whole family maintaining contact with them- I wouldn't be overly happy about the children having contact either (I know that the father has equal parenting rights, but I wouldn't be happy about the risk of my children being exposed to that level of vitriol and hatred, or chance any of them becoming the scapegoat in my absence).

Mrs Koala- hope your DH is more supportive now.

Neunund- I'd be quite happy to go in for banning people from my home if they'd grabbed my crotch while I was heavily pregnant- what a horrible thing to do! Again, I think my H would not want contact with somebody like that either.

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 15:59

No, no MH problems, wasn't drunk, and really isn't actually bonkers. She was terribly rational about it.

Piprabbit that was something I used to ask myself lots. How was saying all this going to improve the situation? I have no idea. Just thinking about it has me in tears most days, and my stress levels and alcohol consumption are through the roof. I can only reason that she obviously thought it wasn't really a big deal and I would just roll over and change completely. That being completely demolished was just something to deal with?? She has no idea. I think the response from my mother did truly surprise her.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2013 16:16

"The problem is that the DC do love them and I don't want to destroy that relationship for the DC's perspective, but I never want to see them again."
Thing is though, your PIL are basically a ticking time-bomb; at some point they will most likely realise that they've been watching their grandchildren grow up for a couple of years now and although they thought they were all right at the beginning, they have now decided that they don't like them. And will tell your DC so, straight out of the blue. You have first hand experience of what a headfuck that is - do you really want to be always waiting for them to do it to your children?

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 16:39

What Whereyouleftit said. The ex mil called my dd a bitch when dd was about 11 because she had the temerity to not do something she had asked immediately.

She doesn't see much of her now and that is pretty much all down to the ex mil's attitude.

Ullena · 04/04/2013 16:48

Sometimes I think there should be a special type of restraining order for toxic but non-threatening people...some way to enforce that no, you can't treat other people that way!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 04/04/2013 17:29

Can you ask your dh (and yourself) how you will feel, and what you will do, on the day your MIL tells one of your children that she's had a good think about it and decided she doesn't like them? Or something equally horrific?

Do you think it is ok that your children are hearing someone (someone that they are taught to respect) be horrible about you on a regular basis? Because they are hearing it.

Children love their relatives just because. And if those relatives are nasty, children think it is their own fault, because they are hardwired to believe their relatives are good. I know you think your children have a good relationship with their grandparents, but that isn't going to last. And it is going to mess your children's heads up in ways you cannot imagine.

Please protect your children.

You don't have to make a big thing about it - you can just be unavailable (all of you, dh and dcs and you). Don't invite them, be busy when they invite you. Be vague. Say "mmm, maybe, we'll let you know". And just don't see them.

2rebecca · 04/04/2013 17:54

I agree with hopasholic's comment earlier that you tell them you've thought about it and have decided you don't like them and don't want anything to do with them as they are rude and hurtful. I would definitely never entertain them in my house again.
They don't like you? Fine the feeling's mutual, they don't see you.

MyDarlingClementine · 04/04/2013 18:36

You are so lucky to have a DM who would " go in hard" for you.
How incredibly hurtful and rude for your mother also to have to put up with this shit.

Its disgraceful.

I wonder if you would benefit from a relate session. A counsellor may help you to realise that your DH needs to protect you and his DC here, and how conditioned he is to a) put up with this and b) how its normal for him, its not normal generally.

And counsellor may help him to realise you are his family unit now, and he mustnt let you be bullied like this.

My in laws drove me to tranquillisers.
I had to go to a difficult joint function, told doc and he prescribed me a few. I only had two to get me through the day but they really really helped.

Its nice to know the rest are there as well should I ever need them again!

I cannot tell you the bliss I have with my DH now we have pretty much cut out his DP's.

We never argue. I am never stressed.....its heavenly! It took alot of blood and tears to get to that point, and guilt and fear but I don't care now! All they have to do is be nice, not even to me - just my DH and they dont and wont.

Miggsie · 04/04/2013 18:51

Your MIL is a bully, an emotional abuser, your DH is a product of emotional abuse.

When your MIL announced she did not like you it was meant to be your cue to throw yourself at her feet and beg for mercy, to be allowed to be "approved" by her and acknowledge her all-powerfulness. Your FIL and DH are already trained to do this.

By not begging for mercy or adoring her and abasing yourself in front of her you are her enemy - you are implying she may be at fault. This is something she cannot have. Statements like you must admit to mental illness are part of her obsessive need for control and personal feeling of superiority - nothing can ever be the fault of your MIL - you having a mental illness is preferable, you dying in agony is preferable to the insinuation that she can in any way be at fault.

Phoning your mother to berate her for your upbringing is classic external blame excuse - the problem is SOME ONE ELSE, it cannot be your MIL at fault, she truly believes she is perfect, and your FIL and DH back her up in this. Your mother would have been expected to admit her short comings - she didn't, hence repeated attempts to get your mother to take the blame.

The only relationship possible with such a personality type is non contact - she is unable to function normally or have any concept of normal social relationships. She has surrounded herself with people who prop up that image.

My paternal grandmother was like this, she persecuted my mother her whole life - and never missed an opportunity to tell me how shit my parents were. I stopped seeing my bitch gran in my teens. My mother kept up the politeness and it caused huge problems with my parent's marriage.
When my mother was dying she said to my father "why did you never defend me in front of your mother?". Gran had been dead 12 years at that point. That's how poisonous it was.

Go no contact and don't let your kids near her.

Your DH needs to work out he has abusive parents, and he must do it for himself "he only wants a quiet life" - yes, he's been well trained.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/04/2013 18:53

Great post MIggsie

travailtotravel · 04/04/2013 19:01

Oh god, withdraw. You don't have to see them - and I think that having them in your home is a bit much too. So long as they are only every peachy about you in front of the kids, fair enough ...

But i think you DH needs to make it abundantly clear that she is wrong and he agrees with you ...

As if being hideous isn't enough, if you are asked to explain to anyone why you don't see them, you can always use your children as an example - if i continue to see people who have been hurtful to me, what kind of example is that setting to my children.

MyDarlingClementine · 04/04/2013 19:06

Miggsie your poor poor mother.

I think in the past we were all less well equipped to deal with anything like this, in terms of recognising the problems and abuse that goes on.

Life is too short, we married the men not the parents, why on earth should our lives be ruined because of mils pure jealousy?

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 19:13

Hurting the DCs is not an option. DH knows that too. DH is on my side with this but he really just wants things to go back to normal, which as MIL is pretending that nothing has happened puts the onus on me. I have never yet had a worry about her with the children but obviously as they get older they want to know why I am not coming to things etc.

Tranquilisers are actually a good idea? Must be better than alcohol anyway. They live a long way away. In one way this is good as they can't just pop in ( and we have number ID and I don't answer the phone if it is them). But that means that they make a big deal about wanting to see the DC and ' will stay in a hotel' if necessary with lots of martyr martyr. I then give in so as not to upset DH. Maybe next time I will just say 'yes' and then work all weekend. But then I end up all bitter as she has got all my time with the DCs...

Can't win, but ultimately DH and the DC are more important than her.

Miggsie, my mother had a MIL just like that, and that is one of the reasons she 'went in hard'.

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/04/2013 19:21

Honest question OP: if your parents did this to your DH, would you still see them?

How would your H consider that to be loyalty?

I ask because if this were to happen to me, I'd never let them back in my home again, they'd never see the DC again, AND if my H carried on contact, I'd feel that he's somehow enabling/supporting their treatment of me.

If my parents did this to my OH, I'd cut them dead.

Ok, so I've already cut my dad off for shitty comments all my life, and scaled back contact with my mum, but let me tell you, I'd not allow that treatment of someone I loved. I'd be mortified.

Has your H read Toxic Parents? I'd suggest he do so ASAP.

I can't believe she told you all that in your house, eating your food... She'd have been bustled out the door there and then if that were me.

Poor you. But please be zero tolerance on any of this. You owe it to yourself to make this the dealbreaker to beat all dealbreakers.

Hissy · 04/04/2013 19:28

No.

It's a complete sentence.

No visits, no hotels, no phone calls, no nothing. Just don't engage with them.

That goes for your H too. His line is 'you don't get to treat any member of my family like that without consequence.'

Anything less is betrayal of you, will spawn resentment.

Which could cost you both your marriage.

People like them are not worth that price.

Hissy · 04/04/2013 19:29

Your H wants it to go back to normal?

It never was normal.

It never will be normal. He has to understand this and work through putting positive and healthy aspects of his life to the fore, and cutting out the malignant bits.

MyDarlingClementine · 04/04/2013 19:31

relate.
would your dh go?

we went to one session - the sort of info sign up session. it was great. it shored us up so much we didn't even go back.

honestly - life is so much better.

you have to ask what your dh is afraid of and why. what's the worst that can happen.

  1. they don't change, you don't care as you don't see them. your happy.

  2. they start to realise your DH and you cant be bullied any more, you are more important to him than them and he wont see you bullied, eventually - they come round and are more humble and kind. Your happy?

re them and the DC. DC do notice things. how do you know what looks, sighs even comments are being picked up....

you are their ultimate star, don't you see it will hurt them to see you hurt also? I was very very protective and loyal over my DM>

Lambzig · 04/04/2013 20:33

You poor thing, I am shivering about your description of the statements she made at your dinner table. The reason I am shivering is that I went to an all girls boarding school and that sort of confrontation of "I don't like you and here is why" is the sort of adolescent bullying that teenage girls in cliques indulge in. She has clearly never grown up.

My own MIL is challenging. I really tried to keep a good relationship for years for DH's sake despite the fact all her comments are said when he is out of earshot. I even managed to get past her comment about how she had cried for a week when she found out I was previously married and divorced as "it is like having a murderer in the family". I have now been tipped over the edge by her comment that my DD "was not the same as her real grandchildren" as she was an IVF baby and "they aren't like real children and therefore DD is not related to her". Presumably, my subsequently born DS is the same in her eyes. I have never told DH as he would break all contact, but I am glacially polite now and don't push DH to see them. We only see them a couple of times a year now.

I don't think you need to see them if you don't want to (and who would after that). I hope you can get to a position to stop being hurt or upset by this and where you cannot give a toss anymore. I do think you need to ask if yourvDC need to be a round such toxic people.

Wookiee101 · 04/04/2013 20:38

Fucking hell I don't speak to my step MIL for much, much less then that. Sever ties and leave your DH to it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2013 20:43

"DH is on my side with this but he really just wants things to go back to normal"
But things never were normal - not in the accepted sense of the word. I think Miggsie has put her finger on it. Growing up with that for a mother, he has been trained to dance attendance placate her and is struggling between his rational loyalty to you and his irrational learned behaviour to her. It's in his best interests to be shot of her malign influence too.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 04/04/2013 22:23

A couple of things you've said -

Just thinking about it has me in tears most days, and my stress levels and alcohol consumption are through the roof.

I then give in so as not to upset DH.

Why are you working so hard to "not upset" DH? Why is he not doing the same for you? Why is it ok for you to be upset, more than upset, but not him?

Lambzig · 04/04/2013 22:39

My heart breaks about you being in tears every day. You must not give them the power to do this to you. I could cheerfully kick your DH quite hard in the shins, but I guess he has been conditioned to please by both his parents. You sound lovely and worth a million of them and you need to remember that.

searching4serenity · 04/04/2013 22:50

You poor thing. They're shocking & your DH doesn't see them for what they are - ie toxic and revolting.

If the situation were reversed would he just put up with it??
I think it's unlikely.

DH might benefit from some counselling... & maybe get yourself some support at least until DH sees them for what they are. Unbelievable!