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Original poster

hideous PIL situation... advice please!

107 replies

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 12:52

posting here so it will disappear...

DH and I have been married 10 years - love him to bits and we are very happy. We have 2 DC under 4. I always thought that his parents were alright. They are very blunt and seem to think they can say things other people can't, but I always took the view that they didn't do it maliciously and tried very hard not to get upset etc etc. I can see that sometimes I was a bit defensive because she is so incredibly rude but did try not to be. I have also had bad PND since DC2 which she didn't know about because she is a gossip and it is none of her business. Last year she was visiting the DC and announced over supper one evening that "she and FIL had watched me for a few years now and although they thought I was alright at the beginning, they have now decided that they don't like me".

The fallout, needless to say has been immense. She got to the point of ringing up my mother to complain about my upbringing and had told everyone that DH agrees with everything she said, despite DH bursting into tears over her complete inability to listen to anything he said. She now accepts she was wrong (although FIL doesn't and just ignores me) and has apologised and now clearly thinks that it is all over and we can just go back to normal and carry on. I am finding that very hard. I can't stand to be around them as I just feel they are judging me again, and don't wish to see them. I keep trying to be the bigger person here and just carry on and then just freeze when they arrive. The whole thing has been just excellent for the depression too Sad. What do I do, should I be the bigger person?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 04/04/2013 13:45

sillybillypoopoo - I will come round and hold your hand whilst you tell them Smile

or you could type a letter and I will post it for you

I understand that it wouldn't be easy to tell them face to face or you are worried abotu the consequences - but there will not be many consequences if you type a letter and they don't come any more - imagine the relief of not seeing them Smile

Xiaoxiong · 04/04/2013 13:46

I wouldn't have them in the house ever again. EVER again.

SneakyNinja has good advice.

FIL did something of similar magnitude last year and I will not see him again until there is some acknowledgement of his behaviour which will never happen, so effectively I have cut him off. Not in a drama-filled way, I just won't go with DH if he ever wants to see FIL and when he came over for DS's birthday last year and there was no option other than coming to ours, I booked a haircut and highlights at the same time.

I have also told DH that while I will never interfere with his relationship with his father, I expect him to protect our DS from any negative or manipulative behaviour and like chasedbybees at the first hint of any repeat behaviour I would expect DH to take DS home and not take him to see FIL again.

Xiaoxiong · 04/04/2013 13:50

Just to clarify, he came over for an hour on his own, I didn't miss my own DS's birthday party just because he was there!

DH also wants to keep the peace. He REALLY wants me to be able to let sleeping dogs lie for the sake of a quiet life. I explained to him that he has many many years of built-up goodwill towards his father so is able to draw upon those - I don't and as far as I'm concerned the years I have known him are not enough to make up for his behaviour.

Machli · 04/04/2013 13:50

I am interested to know what your Mum said on receipt of that phone call because if someone rang and told me that about one of MY kids they'd get it with both barrels Angry.

I would never see them again and I would be very concerned at what was being said to my ds when they visited. People like that aren't going to hold back and it will hurt your children to hear that said about their mother.

MrsKoala · 04/04/2013 13:59

oh poor you. We had something similar altho not as dramatic. After a year of knowing me and visits up to see them PILs called DH out of the blue ans said they'd thought about it and didn't think i was a nice person and wasn't welcome in their house. The reasons were many and bonkers - i don't eat battery eggs, i insulted their xmas tree, WE didn't choose the frankly disgusting carpet they suggested for our home etc.

DH was heartbroken. His mum suggested that perhaps they would think about forgiving me if i said i had brain damage and apologised and said i couldn't help the things i said/did.

I didn't see them for 3 years, DH was welcome up there without me so went a few times a year. I was never mentioned.

Then i got pregnant and they were not happy. Never came to see DS (their only grandson). When he was 3 months DH took us all up there and they were cool. I was very much the bigger person for DH's sake. However, we now have a civil relationship and DH is over the moon. we spent Easter there and he said it was the best weekend he's ever had.

It is hard. And i'm not saying you should see them again at all. I think the way they did it was worse than what i had.

Good luck with what you decide.

MrsKoala · 04/04/2013 14:01

oh yes - just out of curiosity what were their reasons for deciding they didn't like you. Not that it's relevant, i just want to compare the bonkersness! :)

ChasingDogs · 04/04/2013 14:04

She rang your mother to complain about your upbringing? Shock what did your mother say?!

Write them a letter.

Dear PILs,

I have been observing you quite closely over the years. Whilst I originally found you to be tolerable, I have now decided that you are turds upon the shoe of humanity.

I am willing to accept that this is partly the fault of your upbringing, and that your appalling lack of manners and social graces are not entirely inherent to your nature.

Regardless, you will not be allowed into my house again until your manners and general behaviour improves.

All the best,

DiL.

I have kept it polite for the sake of your DH (poor sod!)

Wossname · 04/04/2013 14:04

"His mum suggested that perhaps they would think about forgiving me if i said i had brain damage and apologised and said i couldn't help the things i said/did."

Oh. My. God.

Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 14:07

My mum was a bit taken aback and said it took her a while to realise what was actually being asked... This was one of many phone calls though I should add. She then thought about and sent her a shocker of a letter (has never let me see it) in which she said 'she went in hard' and to leave me alone and give me a lot of time. That is when apologies started being forthcoming!

Re the DCs. I don't know what is being said there, but I agree entirely that a mere whiff of bitchiness gets them removed from her company.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 04/04/2013 14:07

Wossname - yes and DH actually told me quite happily suggesting it was a resolution by saying 'there could be a silver lining here, mum said...'

i was apoplectic, i think you could have seen the mushroom cloud from space! He was so used to doing as they said he didn't even think i'd mind Angry

Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 14:08

although I have just remembered that MIL banned her FIL from her house for ages!! He said something she didn't like. Oh karma... Grin

OP posts:
Wossname · 04/04/2013 14:09
Shock
Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 14:15

MrsKoala
I'm not entirely sure - but some of it was that:
I was prickly (to be fair I probably was a bit as I was constantly criticised)
I would interrupt FIL. Kind of true but not only me and only because he gets half way through a sentence, gets distracted, the rest of us carry on and he reappears into the conversation 10 mins later...)
I don't talk to FIL. Well FIL has 3 topics of conversation, none of which I am expert at and he only seems to want to talk to experts about it. Whenever I had tried he blanked me so to be honest I had stopped trying.
I have the wrong type of tea this may now be deliberate
I have onions in the house. FIL doesn't like onions.
I don't talk about my work. They have never asked!
The DC will have speech impairments as they have to go to nursery because I dare to work (both DCs speech is currently 3 years ahead...)
There was something about a shower curtain once - wrong length? can't remember...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 14:16

MrsKoala your post is awful! My god!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2013 14:24

I think that being the bigger person is over rated.

Personally, I would refuse to see them and would not allow them access to my dc either. I take the view that my children and I are a package deal and if someone cannot be respectful to me, then they don't deserve the privilege of having my dc in their lives.

Xiaoxiong · 04/04/2013 14:25

Haha I am wheeze laughing about the onions and the shower curtain Grin They are absolutely BONKERS!!

MrsKoala your DH actually contemplated you ringing them up to say "oh yes, I forgot to mention I have brain damage, you'll just have to put up with my unacceptable behaviour forevermore" !!?!? Shock

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 14:27

It wouldn't be you cutting yourself and your kids off from them, it's quite clearly their behaviour that would lead to that happening.

Don't visit. Don't expose your kids to their vitriol. Tell your dh he can do what he likes and visit them but they won't be welcome in your home because of THEIR behaviour.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/04/2013 14:33

TBH if you had said about the onions and shower curtains at the start I would have had a different view. I mean that is some serious shit. She sounds bonkers, I hope she didn't suggest to your mother that she might have influenced your use of onions and choice of shower curtains because that could sting the poor lady.

MrsKoala · 04/04/2013 14:35

HA! to onions and shower curtains! Sorry, i just love the madness. MIL once asked if i ate a lot of pork (not a euphemism unfortunately) and when i said no. She got furious and shouted 'when you've been starving half your life like me, you don't get a choice' - They are very wealthy. DH was Shock

We got married recently and they didn't come to the wedding or even acknowledge it. If i said something about it when we visited, they looked out of the window and started talking about something else. Total denial.

When MIL called me up to tell me how i'd insulted her xmas tree (not enough bauble praise) i actually laughed. She told me no one had ever been nice to her Hmm (every family member has been banned from their house including 2 sisters DH hasn't seen since he was a baby - they obv don't have any friends). I told her she was the architect of her own misery.

LemonBreeland · 04/04/2013 14:36

Are you still seeing your ILs after what they said?

I see no reason for you ever to forgive behaviour like that. What did MIL hope to gain from saying such a statement? Was she hoping her DS would leave you, and now he hasn't she is going to attempt to make amends.

YouTheCat · 04/04/2013 14:38

What is with these people?

The ex's mother was like this. I knew if she started a sentence by saying 'I have to say this...' that I was in for a bashing.

Before I left her son (I lived with the barmy old bat) I told her that she didn't 'Just have to say...' anything and was a very rude woman who should learn when to shut up.

Xiaoxiong · 04/04/2013 14:47

MrsKoala fascinating that your MIL banned every other family member too. My FIL has done the same - there is no one left in his life really except his kids and even they increasingly see through his shit and make the ritual visits out of duty not love. He was on very good terms with us before all this happened as well so it was entirely of his own making (fall-out was over DS's name).

If he is ever unfortunate enough to speak to me again with any self-pitying bullshit I will definitely be stealing your phrase about him being the architect of his own misery.

AdoraBell · 04/04/2013 14:50

I can't see any reason to maintain contact with such a nasty person.

If your DH continues to want you to forget it and play happy families then ask him to name a few other people who have a right to treat his wife so disgustingly, and explain why you should allow said people to be abusive towards you etc.

I'll bet he'll say he doesn't want anyone talking to you like his parents have, in which case why is he backing them up by wanting you to play nice with the bully?

MrsKoala · 04/04/2013 14:51

Xiao - yes, i thought we were on good terms too. Had spent xmas there - they all agreed it was the best xmas they ever had. DH and i went up monthly i sent flowers took cakes. Sat and chatted while DH worked etc. So i was utterly bewildered they fucked it for themselves. It is as if happiness hurts them. They are so used to being miserable and moaning about people they actually prefer the comfort of it than the strange feeling of happiness. very sad. all self inflicted yet woe is me at the same time.

AngelinaCongleton · 04/04/2013 14:56

Oh dear op- major sympathies. I have had two major bust ups with my in laws. The first 2 days before our wedding and one last summer on holiday with them. Both times my mil said that she has never liked me. I'd always got that vibe from her anyway. She positions it very much like I am the deficient one because she doesn't like me and the things she criticises me for range from the fair enough to the totally mental. It's really hard and makes you paranoid. She loves my children and they love her. As my children are getting older i just try to be true to myself, friendly as much as i can bear and let them get on with it.

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