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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

hideous PIL situation... advice please!

107 replies

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 12:52

posting here so it will disappear...

DH and I have been married 10 years - love him to bits and we are very happy. We have 2 DC under 4. I always thought that his parents were alright. They are very blunt and seem to think they can say things other people can't, but I always took the view that they didn't do it maliciously and tried very hard not to get upset etc etc. I can see that sometimes I was a bit defensive because she is so incredibly rude but did try not to be. I have also had bad PND since DC2 which she didn't know about because she is a gossip and it is none of her business. Last year she was visiting the DC and announced over supper one evening that "she and FIL had watched me for a few years now and although they thought I was alright at the beginning, they have now decided that they don't like me".

The fallout, needless to say has been immense. She got to the point of ringing up my mother to complain about my upbringing and had told everyone that DH agrees with everything she said, despite DH bursting into tears over her complete inability to listen to anything he said. She now accepts she was wrong (although FIL doesn't and just ignores me) and has apologised and now clearly thinks that it is all over and we can just go back to normal and carry on. I am finding that very hard. I can't stand to be around them as I just feel they are judging me again, and don't wish to see them. I keep trying to be the bigger person here and just carry on and then just freeze when they arrive. The whole thing has been just excellent for the depression too Sad. What do I do, should I be the bigger person?

OP posts:
cocolepew · 04/04/2013 13:09

Have nothing to do with them again. If dh wants to stay in contact he can take the children.
What horrible people Shock.

Tethering · 04/04/2013 13:09

You don't need to be the bigger person here. Your PIL are awful Shock
Sometimes relationships can't be fixed and the fact they are so insensitive to both you and your dh would point to the best solution being to cut them out of your life, or seriously ration the time they spend in it.
Also, if you do decide to maintain contact, make any contact on your terms. I wouldn't have them in my house (purely because I wouldn't be able to leave if they started being awful!).
Seriously though, they have contributed to your depression and they've made your dh cry - you don't need them in your life. They're a horrendous example to your dcs Sad

MyDarlingClementine · 04/04/2013 13:09

You do not need people like that in your life.
As far your DC are concerned, if the pils love them enough, they will change and see the error of their ways.

I would not want my DC to see me being spoken about in such a vile nasty way.

You and your DH are the DC's main protectors, it can lead to all sorts of problems if you are undermined and they don't feel safe with you. With such out spoken people I doubt they would bother to curb their tongues in front of the DC's
Its not something I would want my DC exposed too.

BTW what did your Dm say?????

Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 13:10

mermaid that is exactly what I do, only I do all the stuff to get me out of the room! I won't talk unless DH is there so I can check afterwards that what I said was OK. I also cook increasingly complicated food so can hide in the kitchen. But quite frankly it is just exhausting and I feel fed up of being the outsider in my own house.

OP posts:
somewhereaclockisticking · 04/04/2013 13:14

If your DH still wants to see them then that's his choice but you shouldn't ever have to see them again! He can take the children to visit them surely? Although the PIL will try and turn the kids against you by the sounds of it so eventually as they get older they'll burn their bridges with the kids too.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2013 13:16

TBH I think next time they arrive - instead of freezing just say

I am not able to go back to having a relationship of any type with you so I have decided that we are not going to see each other ever

If you want to see your own ds then fine you can arrange it away from me, the dc and the house - but lets cut lose and get on with our lives - you don't like me and I now really don't like you.

Op get these pond life out of your life

ringing up your mother to complain about your upbringing - it would be funny if it wasn't so f*cking stupid of the twat

Hopasholic · 04/04/2013 13:17

Tell them:
'you've thought long and hard about it and although you were ready to forgive them in the beginning you have decided you don't fucking like them after all' Wink

Right back at you MIL & FIL

How very dare they speak to you like that Angry

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2013 13:18

I would cut them off completely.

From me and my dc.

SoniaGluck · 04/04/2013 13:19

I had similar happen to me although my PIL didn't confront me personally, they just slagged me off royally ( including accusing me of being a prostitute, saying my degree was worthless compared to French qualifications, etc. ) to DH when they were alone with him.

The fall out was tremendous and although I did see them infrequently afterwards it was always very strained. They had no real relationship with the kids so that was never an issue. Honestly I wish I had just stopped seeing them altogether but my DH was frightened of them and he didn't want to cut them off completely.

FIL was a misogynist and a violent bully and MIL was an enabler and ( I suspect ) a victim of emotional and financial abuse. Totally toxic.

If it happened to me now, I would just choose never to see them again.

greenfolder · 04/04/2013 13:19

might not make myself popular but tbh, the kids are both under 4. you are not depriving them of anything if you ditch them now. as my older dds got older and asked why they didnt see one lot of cousins i said that often in big families you were closer to some than others. as they hit teen years, i just told them that their aunt had been awful to me and i had no wish to have anything to do with her. as they knew that i was a very reasonable person they accepted my word.

piratecat · 04/04/2013 13:21

bloody hell op
you are already the bigger person. what a cow. or mad. or both.

xx

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 04/04/2013 13:22

I wouldn't have them in the house and I am very tolerant of wierdo family members I have lots of experience

I wouldn't stop DH having a relationship with him although I wouldn't want to hear about it.

If it happens that they do keep coming over I think I would retire to my bedroom with a headache each and everytime. I certainly wouldn't cook for them.

In a way this is not much of a conundrum as it is so clear - there is nothing 'passive aggressive' about this. It out and out 'aggressive'

Good luck, be strong Smile

EchoBitch · 04/04/2013 13:22

Get rid,my DC don't have anything to do with their Dad's parents and nor do we.

They sound utterly dreadful.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/04/2013 13:22

I am gobsmacked!

I agree 100% that you don't need to have these people in your life if you don't want to. Your DH has them unfortunately as his parents for the rest of their lives.

I think Hopascholic and ivykaty44 have the perfect responses to give them if the inlaws ever think of talking to you in the future.

Best of luck dealing with these individuals.

Jins · 04/04/2013 13:23

OP if you want this to disappear you need to ask MNHQ to move it to Chat

Awful situation for you :(

EchoBitch · 04/04/2013 13:27

If DPs parents had ever spoken to me like that or got in touch with my Mother i would honestly have banned them from my life and my DCs lives.
If DP had not backed me up i would have left him.

They would certainly never have gotten over my doorstep again.

shellshock7 · 04/04/2013 13:29

mermaid that is excellent advice re letting DH do all baby duties in their company I think I will pinch that one.

OP I think I am a couple of steps behind and heading fast towards your position and am really wondering what to do abt 'letting' my DS see them (DH can please himself), all my instincts say they shouldn't have access to my children if they are so rude to me/my parenting...but we are nice people so feel like we can't deprive them/our DH and DCs of that relationship. It's very tough Hmm

ChasedByBees · 04/04/2013 13:30

I would cut them off too. They don't have to like you but they have to respect you as the mother of their grandchildren. I would also refuse to let my children be exposed to someone who was so vile to me. However, I can imagine that's easier said than done. I might go along with my husband taking the children to see them but the slightest whiff that they had been disrespectful in front of the children and I would cut contact. Perhaps I would let them know that that is what would happen so they at least have the chance to behave as reasonable people for the sake of their relationship with their grandchildren.

Shelby2010 · 04/04/2013 13:33

They are hideous. Do not let them in your house again, if DH wants to visit them then fine.

I would not let them have contact with the DC in case they turn round to one of them in a few years time and announce they don't like them. They'll probably say its because they take after their mother & you have given them a bad upbringing.

People like that are not normal & you don't have to treat them even with common politeness. Protect yourself & your children from such horrible people.

SneakyNinja · 04/04/2013 13:34

It really doesn't have to be a difficult situation OP.
They should not be welcome in your house
You should never have to go and visit them
Dh can take the children to see them as often as he likes.
He should make it clear that you are not a subject to be discussed on his visits
Pass phone immediately to DH if they ring house phone
They should not look after DC's unsupervised
Breathe a sigh of relief and live your life without their toxic input Smile

I too have cut a sibling out of my life. No malice, no arguments just sweet sweet relief!

Original poster
Sillybillypoopoomummy · 04/04/2013 13:34

Oh Hopascholic and ivykaty44 - If only I was brave enough Grin.

Thank you all - you have made me feel less like IABU to not want to see them.

OP posts:
neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/04/2013 13:36

I don't really go in for this banning stuff although in this instance I can see why you might. Dh's father is a law onto himself and has done outlandish things in the past grabbing my crotch while he was drunk and I was 8 months pregnant is on the list but I just try to ignore as best as possible oh and I have been known to have rip roaring arguments with him when necessary. Dh continues his relationship we go up from time to time with the kids, less than we would like if he wasn't such an arse. I have written off trying to engage with him anymore, I basically ignore him and refuse to be in a room alone with him. I think of him as a necessary evil in dhs life particularly and in the kids lives a little bit. I would not be inviting them over to your house and let your dh go over to them on occassion with the kids. She will learn that is what you get when you behave so appallingly

carabos · 04/04/2013 13:36

Sorry but they are just everyday nutters aren't they/ Don't waste any more time on them, cut them off and let them stew in their own juice. Life is definitely too short for that sort of crap.

nilbyname · 04/04/2013 13:41

They are awful people. Cut them out, keep your kids away from them, god forbid they might grow up a but like their mum and then how will grannie and grandad behave!

Tell your dh to sort it out!

Torres10 · 04/04/2013 13:43

Seriously, did they actually sit at your table, eating your food, whilst telling you they didn't like you?! Wow, just wow! I would have escorted them straight out of the door..
Going forward, they should not be welcome in your home under any circumstances. (Tell the f*ers by replying in letter if it is easier,they seem to enjoy hate mail!) Your DH can go visit them if he wishes to maintain a relationship. As for seeing the children, personally it would be a no for me, but you need to decide that with your DH.