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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if someone is someone is overstepping the mark with my baby...

50 replies

mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:26

...I should be able to assert myself?

Why don't I? And, more importantly what can I say that doesn't stop me looking like a frantic new mum?

The latest example being an Auntie holding my baby and trying to nurse him to sleep, I go over to see my baby and get shooed away.

And, I went!!!

Has anyone else experienced anything like this and come up with a way of holding their own without being rude?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 03/04/2013 21:29

Funnily enough I was just discussing this with DH as he thinks my DPs overfeed DS and give him too much sugar.

I am wondering how to bring it up without looking rude or pfb so will be watching with interest.

Sorry I don't have any advice. :(

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/04/2013 21:30

Its horrible when people do that, many tried with my babies and they failed. I was breast feeding so the ones who didn't respond to a polite 'I'll have him/her back just now' got told my baby needed a feed. When I stopped bf a well placed sarcastic dig did the trick Grin

Wannabestepfordwife · 03/04/2013 21:31

I sort of know what you mean when dd was a newborn a felt a pang of jealousy whenever any one else held her.

I just had to remind myself that family were only trying to help me and they all wanted to bond with her.

It will get easier the pre-natal hormones and sleep deprivation make us all feel frazzled and over anxious

Runningblue · 03/04/2013 21:32

Very tricky, you are not being unreasonable, but its harder to assert yourself to those people you know well especially family.

Imo people, especially aunts and mothers, like to dust down their parenting techniques when a newborn is in the vicinity, whether its suggesting to put rusk in the bottle, or having the baby in their own room from day one.

Its bloody hard, but coming up with a few positive sentences when dealing with these delights can help. And, in the case lf dear auntie, perhaps always having the pushchair at the ready to say 'oh she always sleeps better on a walk thanks...' (Whisking baby off as you go...)

Eebahgum · 03/04/2013 21:33

Hmmmm. I've experienced this loads in the 6 short months of ds life. And suspect it will keep happening for a long time yet. I guess the only ways forward are either learn to shrug it off and not let it bother you, or politely assert yourself, pointing out to people is your baby and you'd like to do things your way.

TryDrawing · 03/04/2013 21:33

You are not being rude. Short of thumping them, you are being perfectly reasonable. A young baby is as much a part of you as your arm. Anyone holding your son should be extremely sensitive to any sign that you want him back. And they should then return him immediately

By doing anything else, they are being unspeakably rude.

Practice in advance some things you can say. Things like "Right. Time for x to come back to his mummy."

Be cheerful and breezy but firm. As long as you are polite and have a smile on your face, you will be difficult to argue with.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 03/04/2013 21:34

Urgh, my exes parents and grandmother were like that when I had my eldest DD. She would be crying for a feed and they'd be 'shhhh' and parading up and down with her, rocking her etc. I knew if I didn't feed her she'd get more and more upset then it would be me that would have to deal with a very upset, screaming baby, but I just couldn't assert myself.

I am more assertive now though and would probably say something like "Thanks but I'll take her now, I'm going to feed her", said with a smile, but in a firm tone.

How rude of your relative to shoo you away!

Original poster
mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:34

I don't think it is hormonal. I know what you mean though, I have certainly had that moment. It is more me wanting to make clear that I am my ds's mummy and that those choices belong to me, and ofcourse my dh. I mean, you wouldn't go into someone else's house and suddenly take their dog out for a walk, so why is it okay to take your baby without asking?

OP posts:
emsyj · 03/04/2013 21:35

My FIL is not speaking to me at the moment because I dared to ask him to please not put his dirty finger in my 24 hour old newborn's mouth. He stormed out and has not been seen since. Shame! Grin

Original poster
mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:37

You are all making me feel much better, thank you. And I agree, it is much more difficult with close relatives. I suppose that if you have to stick up for yourself and your baby you just have to have that awkward moment. Arg!

OP posts:
Original poster
mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:37

emsyj - OMG!!! That is awful!!!

OP posts:
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 03/04/2013 21:38

^^ What mameulah said! Emsyj, well done for telling your FIL! He sounds like a twat!

Runningblue · 03/04/2013 21:43

Op, have you got a sling? If not it might be the time to try it, its very hard for overbearing people to grab your child, if they are attached to you!

MrsKoala · 03/04/2013 21:44

i hate this. the only person who does it with us is MIL. she has really weird boundaries and does desperately unsafe things with DS and when i try to politely say i will take him back, she flatly says no. It turns into a tug of war sometimes.

SminkoPinko · 03/04/2013 21:51

How old is your baby? I think confidence comes with time, probably.

Original poster
mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:55

Our ds is four and a half months old. I would just like to find a way of saying 'back off' without making everything awkward.

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/04/2013 21:58

How about telling whoever it is that your ds is due a nappy change?

Runningblue · 03/04/2013 22:00

Ever better pray for a massive leaky poo to happen when baby is in the clutches of the aunt!

Plumsofgold · 03/04/2013 22:02

I remember when dd1 was a few monts old and we were living at my MIL's and dd was crying. MIL whipped her out of my arms even though I was trying my best to rock her to sleep. I just left the room and went upstairs :( made me feel like a really shit mum.

Runningblue · 03/04/2013 22:03

Ps, i do think a lot of people think that you are incredibly grateful when they take your baby off your hands for a cuddle. I found that very hard with my first baby, now with dc2, it has been sometimes a bit more helpful.
But, that presumptuous hogging of babies i hate!

ScrambledSmegs · 03/04/2013 22:15

Oh dear. I did assert myself, nicely, on the Easter weekend. It was a tiny incident that caused upset and I ended up pretty much hiding for the rest of the time we were there. I tried to apologise (what for, parenting my child?!) but was cut short with a rather dramatic statement that DH and I were very Confused about.

I find with some people - not immediate family or GP's who are all brilliant - that they have this belief that their way is the best way and that DH and I are pathetic little children who need to watch and learn. This is my second child, my first is thriving and I obviously know what I'm doing. There is no way I'm going to be made to feel crap about my parenting this time round!

Stand your ground OP. He's your baby. You aunt knows that.

WaterfallsOver · 03/04/2013 22:20

Try not to invite relatives, unless you really like them. Bfing really helped me as was a great excuse to take baby away and disappear for hours as baby fed then slept even if you're not bfing, you could always pretend you are Grin

ScrambledSmegs · 03/04/2013 22:31

I do bf. Apparently this is selfish Confused.

CreatureRetorts · 03/04/2013 22:34

Just steel yourself and take your baby back. tell yourself you're doing it in your baby's best interests.

Otherwise how far does it go before you will eventually step in? Letting the ILs feed them booze and fruit shoots while you tell yourself it's only once a week Wink?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 03/04/2013 22:47

It's best to be polite but firm as soon as possible to set the tone for how things are going to be

I had my first when I was quite young and I think some people saw that as a green light to take over. I was very very firm but never lost my temper and once everyone realised I wasn't going to be a pushover things got so much better, it also meant I enjoyed seeing people more when they backed off a bit so it was win win

When you feel it's time the baby came back to you, take the baby back. If they refuse just smile and say no he needs his mummy now and keep smiling with your arms out until they hand him over. If they think you're being PFB, well, tough luck- they can think whatever they want as long as they understand you are in charge of your babies needs

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