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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if someone is someone is overstepping the mark with my baby...

50 replies

mameulah · 03/04/2013 21:26

...I should be able to assert myself?

Why don't I? And, more importantly what can I say that doesn't stop me looking like a frantic new mum?

The latest example being an Auntie holding my baby and trying to nurse him to sleep, I go over to see my baby and get shooed away.

And, I went!!!

Has anyone else experienced anything like this and come up with a way of holding their own without being rude?

OP posts:

villagebird · 03/04/2013 22:50

Agree with you. My nan did that when my ds was born. I was fuming. I actually wanted to smash her face in. lol

thebody · 03/04/2013 23:02

To be charitable I think people love a new baby and just want to muscle in and have a hug.

However this had to be stamped on straight away.

The key is to look and act in control, you can do this as you are mummy and noone but noone else knows your baby like you.

So thinking like this makes you strong.

If all else fails grab back your baby and go upstairs.

thebody · 03/04/2013 23:03

To be charitable I think people love a new baby and just want to muscle in and have a hug.

However this had to be stamped on straight away.

The key is to look and act in control, you can do this as you are mummy and noone but noone else knows your baby like you.

So thinking like this makes you strong.

If all else fails grab back your baby and go upstairs.

BruisedFanjo · 03/04/2013 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 03/04/2013 23:37

Bruised I think she means it in the 'cuddle' sense rather than BF - I've only ever heard 1 other person mean it that way though!

The first time you do it is hard - often the person who is holding your baby is more 'experienced' with babies than you so you feel like there's a power imbalance almost - you have to mentally shift yourself into the role of mother to that child, rather than being in your old role of daughter, niece, granddaughter - whatever. It's weird, challenging adult women who have often been in a position of 'seniority' to you and being RIGHT to do so!

thebody · 04/04/2013 00:03

Noone is more experienced with your baby than you. End of.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/04/2013 00:05

It's part of becoming a grown up, learning to assert yourself with older relatives. Hard...but cool when you get there!

Catchingmockingbirds · 04/04/2013 00:34

If they shoo you again just reply with "he/she wants their mummy now" and take the baby back.

lisianthus · 04/04/2013 04:50

My DM says "nurse" whaen she means "cuddle" too. Australians and, I think, Americans tend to use the word interchangeably. I was when I first heard it too.

Re the OP, think of it as practice for when you have a toddler and need to be firm. If they can hear in your voice the clear expectation that they will hand your Dc back, i.e that you can't even conceive of anything else happening, that's what tends to happen. If you don't feel firm, fake it.

ilovecolinfirth · 04/04/2013 06:07

My inlaws were terrible for this with DS1. I'd happily pass him over to one for a cuddle but when they'd finish they'd pass to another member. I could go for ages without seeing him. If he cried they'd never pass back, and SIL used to love commenting how FIL was the best at settling him.
DS2 has come along and he gets cuddles from them, but I firmly say "right, time for mummy" when he starts crying or just when I want him back.

Flisspaps · 04/04/2013 07:39

thebodyexactly

ChasedByBees · 04/04/2013 07:43

If someone tries to shoo you again, just laugh a bit and say, 'ha, I don't think so! Pass her back now.'

So you make a slight joke of it. This could be followed with a firmer steely, 'I'm her mother and I want her back now.'

It is rude of them.

malteserzz · 04/04/2013 07:47

If you mean she was breast feeding that's shocking ! If just rocking to sleep I can't see the problem

Tailtwister · 04/04/2013 07:57

Oh, I remember the same thing OP. My MIL is wonderful, but she used to do it too. I'd be standing there meekly saying 'I think he's hungry', whilst she continued to jiggle him up and down. Used to drive me nuts.

GummyAdams · 04/04/2013 08:16

Another sympathiser here. I recently posted about it on another thread.
My PILs drove me up the wall with hogging our newborn and it didn't get better. They just couldn't get it into their heads that my DS settled for me because I was his Mum and familiar to him, not because I was doing anything special. They were so bloody insensitive and clueless; I found it extremely stressful and will not stand for it again in future. I think I am actually going to use the 'OK, Time for Mummy' suggested upthread.
Sorry this was a bit 'hear me roar', but having your baby nearby is a primal need IMO and you should not be made to feel embarrassed by it

Pickles101 · 04/04/2013 08:17

These are both passive aggressive examples I have never been brave enough to use, but wanted to.

"aren't babies lovely!? This one's mine though, so fuck off"

"look, I'm the one who had to shag your son and this is my prize so give it back you massive bitch "

RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/04/2013 08:22

I remember being sent upstairs 'for a nap' by my MiL when DS was a couple of days off. She was probably trying to be helpful but I was struggling to establish breastfeeding and just wanted to keep DS close not be banished to bed for the afternoon (that's what it felt like in my hormonal exhausted state).

A firm "time for mummy" is a good tip ilovecolinfirth

RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/04/2013 08:22

couple of days old not off

BlackholesAndRevelations · 04/04/2013 08:28

Same here re: baby being besides themselves wanting a feed, and in laws/partners family jiggling/rocking madly, making them more and more upset. First time I just put up and shut up. Second time when they said "aw baby, you don't know what you want, do you?" I always answered with "I do, he wants feeding"

seeker · 04/04/2013 08:28

But bear in mind that people may be trying to help and cut them some slack. And there will be other threads saying "I was so tired and overwhelmed and I was just desperate for 5 minutes to myself and nobody offered to hold the baby for me. Couldn't they tell how I was feeling?"

I can remember sitting on the sofa with my newborn while a group of friends and family ate lunch at the dining table and nobody thought to take the baby when they had finished so that i could eat or bring me some lunch. I felt ridiculously sad and isolated.

CreatureRetorts · 04/04/2013 08:40

But seeker why didn't you ask?

People have to say if they want something or don't like something - that's what these threads boil down to.

bonzo77 · 04/04/2013 08:42

Ask for what you / your baby want or need. If baby needs you, say so. If you need someone to hold him so you can eat or wee then ditto.

Wait till they can talk and they come up with "not you. I want mummeeeeee"! That will make you

Mumsyblouse · 04/04/2013 08:53

I never had this problem with my first as she hated being held by anyone except me and possibly my husband, so everytime we handed her over for a cuddle, her little face would crumple up and she would wail, so we stopped doing it and the poor relatives didn't cuddle her as a baby at all even if they had travelled thousands of miles to see her. This went on til she was three! So no cuddles with others, no being left with childminders/in the creche at the gym, nothing. At the time people suggested she was being ultra-clingy but for some reason I always felt it would work itself out and it did, when she started school.

My dd2 was happy to be passed about and wanted to be held all of the time, not really fussy by who.

I agree it's about you being assertive enough to say 'oh she doesn't like that I'm afraid, I'll have her back' but equally, if your baby is happy to be held by others, it is good to have the extra pairs of hands and I do think it is valuable for them to be brought up in a more extended family (those three years of never having anyone be able to pick up my first were pretty long and unpleasant TBO).

seeker · 04/04/2013 08:59

"But seeker why didn't you ask?"

I don't know. Maybe for the same reason people on here can't say "she's hungry- please could you bring her over here and I'll feed her"?

CreatureRetorts · 04/04/2013 09:06

Yes - so people should ask. I will admit, it took me awhile to feel "strong" enough to ask myself!

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