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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

190 replies

wongadotmom · 01/04/2013 08:29

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset :(

OP posts:
LilyAmaryllis · 02/04/2013 23:13

You can still have alcohol in your bloodstream in the morning after a lot of drinking...

But mainly, yes, get him to arrange the childcare! Let him find out what that feels like, what it takes, the thinking, logistics etc. Either organising payments or calling in favours and asking really nicely, depending on the solution.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 23:14

It impacts on their time and money - one weekend out of 52 and OP hasn't said what the financial cost is. I'm trying to get OP to work out exactly what her opposition is. I'd love for my DP to go away for a weekend with the lads. Perhaps I'm projecting.

HolidayArmadillo · 02/04/2013 23:19

I don't think the OP is necessarily objecting about him going away, she just doesn't see why she has to facilitate that. He wants to go away then he finds childcare, she is working, she has childcare, him! He wants to absolve himself of his responsibilities? To a certain extent, fine, so long as HE absolves himself, not the OP!

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 23:19

You are entitled, as his life partner, to ask him not to risk his life because of this weekend away with the lads. In fact I would say you have a duty to your children to ensure that he doesn't do this.

I have personal experience of this. I just wish the wife had told him not to be so fucking stupid. She said 'he kept telling me he would be fine, he said he was OK, he made me lie to his mother about the distance' well it's too late now. Now there are two children without a father.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:32

Precisely, Polly. But DH's answer to that would be don't be so fucking stupid. What I was thinking was to ask him to take out some more life insurance before he goes :(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 23:38

'He doesn't really want to go back to that and nor do I.'

No, he'd rather raid the kids' bank accounts and have you work extra shifts to pay for it.

And here's a newsflash: you know have debt for taking out loans to subsidise his wankery, not just him.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 23:38

If that's the language he uses then yes he is a Neanderthal.

That's a good idea. Get him to write a Will before he goes as well.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 23:43

'No, just hours of driving the day after being up all night shit faced'

You can be well over the limit for quite a while. If you stop drinking at 5AM, and have been drinking all night, you may well be intoxicated at 2PM or later the next day.

'I'm fucking going.'

This is because he has access to your money to do it.

You are screwing yourself financially by blending finances with this fuckwit. Already you are as responsible for that debt you took out together as he is.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:50

Of course I know I am responsible for that debt expat. As a married couple my money is his and vie versa and his debt is mine and vice versa. I am brilliant with money and keep our finances very well and DH does acknowledge this in his lucid moments!

OP posts:
Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:52

But the rest of the time I am just a tight cow :)

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 03/04/2013 00:06

If the money for this is seriously coming out of the kids' accounts, I'd be rethinking whether he is relationship material. We used the kids' money, sure, for essentials that benefit them too. Not for social trips.

MidnightMasquerader · 03/04/2013 00:53

How's he getting on with the childcare arrangements for his weekend away?

piprabbit · 03/04/2013 01:07

I bet that the other wives and girlfriends are as thrilled as you are about their partners drug-fuelled annual binge.

They sounds like teenagers telling their parents "but mum....everyone else is going, it's not fair, I want to go tooooooo".

Wishihadabs · 03/04/2013 06:18

Wonga you have in the wonderful words of Bridget Jones got to simply detach. Refuse to discuss this anymore. By begging him to take a train/go early/go late/not take too many drugs you are playing into his hand, allowing him to cast you as the nagging wife.

Instead just say your shifts are booked of course he can go away if he
a) Has the money
b) Has sorted out the childcare.

That is it. He is an adult .As SBG says if he wants to throw his money down the toilet or up his nose or whatever that is not your problem.Unless of course he does it when caring for your Ds

Numberlock · 03/04/2013 07:00

Not sure if you've mentioned if your kids are boys or girls but is this how you want their relationships to play out on the future?

HolgerDanske · 03/04/2013 11:41

I think that, all the other quite important issues aside because they are yours to address as you see fit, in future you should work out a plan whereby he saves for this holiday from his earnings, monthly, in advance. This can start as soon as he gets back from his current trip. If there is no cash to put by due to the debt you are already saddled with from his last trip, then he will have to skip a year to allow him time to make it up. This is the only way it looks fair to me.

GetLippie · 03/04/2013 12:01

As a married couple my money is his and vie versa and his debt is mine and vice versa

Maybe if you got married in the 1800s, it is. You can have separate bank accounts in the 21st Century.

Helennn · 03/04/2013 12:14

Yes, but fairness does not come into it for him, does it? My h is just the same, he is entitled to his £800 golf holiday because he works so hard! He sid save for it every month, and does this regardless of if it was from the overdraft or not.

You have my sympathy op, i dont think you will ever change him tbh.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2013 12:18

'As SBG says if he wants to throw his money down the toilet or up his nose or whatever that is not your problem.Unless of course he does it when caring for your Ds'

It's not his money he is using, though. He's using the kids' and getting into debt over it. And she's allowing it.

There's one born every minute, but with examples like this of how relationships work, it's no wonder so many grow up to enter into such unhealthy excuses for relationships.

Emilythornesbff · 03/04/2013 12:48

I don't think it's fair to blame the op for her H's behaviour.
Is it her responsibility to stop him from being selfish? Even if it were, it's not always possible and certainly not easy to make a change.

StanleyLambchop · 03/04/2013 12:58

How is he getting the money from the kids account? If he is so rubbish with money, why is he named on the account? Can you change that to your name only, so he physically cannot access it? Get a passbook account, change your log-in online, anything but let him rob your kids accounts. Of all the things you say he is up to, that is by far the worse of the lot IMO.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2013 12:59

'Is it her responsibility to stop him from being selfish? Even if it were, it's not always possible and certainly not easy to make a change.'

No, but it's possible not to enable it. If you enable it, it will never change. Fair enough, because enabling it means it's working for you on some level, however warped, but at the same time you have to accept that if you enable it the behaviour won't change.

Helennn · 03/04/2013 14:07

Expat so me enabling my h to have access to the money he earns means its working for me in some way? Can you suggest some ways it may benefit me? The only way i see is that it means i remain married. If i completely "put my foot down" as my mum kindly suggested he would still go so i wd either have to leave or put up with it.

Helennn · 03/04/2013 14:10

Sorry, did t want to takeover thread, just my situation is v similar.

May I ask though op, is your h selfish in other ways as well, or is he otherwise a good husband?

Caterkiller · 03/04/2013 14:16

You are totally in the right. Assuming you didn't get married aged 16 the fact that you've got four children indicates that he is too old to go to stag dos anyway. At his time in life he should be contemplating "evening hobbies" that fill in the time after the children have gone to bed, not covorting around nightclubs and pubs selling poor quality Australian lagers in some cesspit like Blackpool or Dublin. Can I suggest home-brewing or buying a train set as an alternative.

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