To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

[wongadotmom]

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset :(

Precisely, AThingInYourLife.

The fact we are paying back a loan at an uncomfortable rate was my decision so that we could be free of the debt sooner. The plan was to tighten our belts so that the debt will be paid by the end of this year so we can breathe again :)

I would not support my partner (or a family member, or a friend...) to go on a drug taking holiday at all, let alone at the expense of the family.

Have you tried getting support from somewhere like Frank?

Do you get to go away with your friends as often?

He sounds more like a teenage boy than a husband and father. An entitled, selfish, ignorant teenage boy.

If he wants to get off his face with his mates whilst you're working then he needs to sort out child care, preferably without throwing a tantrum about it.

Alternatively he could grow the fuck up.

If these trips away and childcare always cause arguments, can you both start to communicate clearly and effectively about them far in advance and make sure you're both in agreement and have the care in place? That would certainly resolve this trigger point in your marriage but to be honest he sounds so juvenile, I think he'd drive me mad.

How far is away is the stag do now? How much have you spoken about this before? It does sound like a complete breakdown in communication and what you both had planned.

I'd start looking at Relate and debt counselling if it was me. That might improve things massively. IF you want to be with the silly arse.

You're not married to a neanderthal, you're just married to a twat and a druggie.

But you love him so it's ok.

I have a horrible feeling that even if wongadotmom does tell her dh that he has to organise the childcare because she's not going to, he will 'forget' to do it (aka just not bother), and will tell her just before he goes away that he 'didn't manage to organise anything' so she is going to have to.

In these circumstances, I would be saying he can't afford to go away, and that it is not fair for him to spend so much money on a jolly for him, when his family won't be able to afford a holiday together. He is being very selfish.

Right, say to him ' when you've stopped dragging your knuckles on the ground, you may want to pick the phone up, and ring around for sitters for when you're on stag do, when I'm working my arse off'.

I'd be tempted to be as childish as him and hide any stuff he might need to take. Not wash his clothes so he has nothing clean etc.

We are having a family holiday this year. :) I am renting a friend's seaside caravan in Wales for a week this summer. I didn't ask DH I just booked it because we need to have a holiday too.

You need to start communicating with each other properly tbh.

This isn't a communication problem.

The message that this man should be allowed to what he wants when he wants, regardless of how much money there is, and that his wife and child bore him is not one that will be any more appealing if the presentation is improved.

I hope he enjoys the holiday and doesn't resent you for booking it without him and end up sulking all week.

I do think you two need to work on communication and resolving conflict.

And no, I don't go away with my friends. That wouldn't interest me even if we had tons of spare cash (and time!) I've been there and done that when I was younger with fewer responsibilities.

I love doing family things now. I work long hours (we both do) and miss my family and feel like I just want make the most of my precious time off to do stuff with DH and DS.

I know, I know I must sound incredibly boring but that's my bag!

Just curious; why did the wedding use all 4 requests ?

He is an arse for insisting that he gets to spend a fortune on lads holidays and drugs while you are still paying off thousands of pounds of debt.

He is an arse for expecting you to sort his childcare responsibilities . By the way, don't be surprised if he goes on the trip a day earlier than expected, leaving you with work to go to and holding the baby- you might want to pre-empt this with your own plans ( i am guessing that even your husband would not leave a child home alone while he went on holiday).

By the way, do you have a financial plan in place if he gets sacked for gross misconduct regarding his use of / possession of illegal drugs ?

You don't actually sound all that bothered.

And do you not mind his lads' holidays that put his job at risk?

When is he leaving?

I'd be tempted to pack and leave the house, before his trip and only return when the lads' holiday was due to finish.

Unilateral decisions can work both ways.

I've been a best man twice in past 12 months (only times ever). Both grooms privately admitted they enjoyed the stag do more than the wedding with hindsight. One of those things I guess.

OP I could have written your post 7 years ago. DH was very similar to yours though without with heavy drug use, extreme sports is my dhs thing.

I blame the fact that Ds was unplanned and he was by far and away the first of his group to have dcs.

A combination of me leaving him holding the baby a few times, his mate's having kids and the passage of time have transformed his attitude completely.

So my point is yes of course your DH is outof order but he can change his attitude and the relationship is not necessarily doomed.

But for this weekend he will just have to suck it up.

Weddings are not about fun, are they?
They are about the ceremony, mainly.
I'm sure men have more fun at stags and women at hens. But that is not the point, is it?

I used to have one who pulled stunts like this.

Every year without fail yet he couldn't afford to contribute anything at all financial or practical towards the household.

I'm now amused every time I hear how much he's struggling because he found out how much real life costs.