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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

190 replies

wongadotmom · 01/04/2013 08:29

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset :(

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 17:18

Why exactly don't you approve of his trips and how would things be different if you did approve of the trips?

Kundry · 02/04/2013 17:46

Of his group of 10-12 mates, how many of the others are married?

If he is the first, and this mate is the second, then the others probably have no idea about adult and family life. This has been their main holiday, no wives, girlfriends, children to accommodate, just a group of lads having fun.

However as wishihadabs and laqueen said, as more of them get married, have children, the numbers going on this holiday will naturally decrease as fewer of them have the time or the money. It's hard for your DH and he is probably an arse as he feels guilty about going but is feeling pressure to be 'one of the lads' (BTW I don't mean this as an excuse, just an explanation). But in the next few years family holidays will take over and the 'lads' group will shrink.

Go for wishihadabs plan - dump him with childcare a few times, agree he can go but then need a million favours to make up for it, get him making the financial decisions to see family holiday and debt repayments come first.

In 2-3 years time, this holiday won't exist anymore.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 18:17

'Why exactly don't you approve of his trips and how would things be different if you did approve of the trips?'

They are thousands of pounds in debt now, and he also sacrificed a family holiday so he could go off like a teenager.

MidnightMasquerader · 02/04/2013 19:08

So, anyway...

Is he arranging childcare for the weekend he's going to be away?

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 21:54

There are various reasons I don't approve of this trip apart from his twatty attitude to me and the ridiculous cost and the unfairness.

That he thinks he should be able to go even when we are struggling and I am working extra shifts and he is emptying my DC's bank accounts (saving since birth) because we are paying for stuff he wants.

That I actually think it is healthy to spend some time TOGETHER as a family. Our differing work patterns and his social activities mean that our time together is like gold dust! And DS is growing up so fast. It is not that I don't like being left on my own with DS as I have explained up thread re: the residentials, etc.

These holidays are always exclusive, no wives, no kids.

The absolutely dangerously disgusting states he gets in then gets in, limited sleep, drug and drink fuelled, then he is to drive over 200 miles home. He can't get a lift with one of them because they only want him there for the numbers to make it cheaper for them as he has to go later on the Friday than them because of his work.

That I know these middle aged saddos 'lads' are putting pressure on him to go with them - I have heard DH on the phone with his best mate last year making excuses but his mate won't take no for an answer and keeps texting and asking him. Then DH starts going on at me again after this.

This particular group of mates (DH has loads of mates) has never been to our house since our wedding and I have invited them to my fantastic (non-exclusive) parties that I throw 2-3 times a year, they never come.

Yes most of them are married and most have kids. Some of their kids are grown up. All the lads wives are happy with these lad's weekends DH tells me. Apparently I am the only one who doesn't like it. Hmm

This list is not exhaustive

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 22:01

'That he thinks he should be able to go even when we are struggling and I am working extra shifts and he is emptying my DC's bank accounts (saving since birth) because we are paying for stuff he wants.'

This would be a total dealbreaker for me. Taking money from your child and your spouse working extra shifts so you can go on 'lad's holidays' is what a twunt does.

Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 22:16

Sorry wonga.
Sad

I seriously doubt all the other wags are all ok with this holiday. But then you know that don't you.

StuntGirl · 02/04/2013 22:17

He steals from his children too? Nice.

My partner wanted to go on a sailing holiday this year. We looked at our budget together and worked it a savings plan and saved up for it. It's meant a little less spending money each month (for the past 18 months!) but he's made the sacrifices needed to be able to go. Just like adults do when they want something nice.

Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 22:17

Can you keep money separate from his?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2013 22:26

"he is emptying my DC's bank accounts (saving since birth) because we are paying for stuff he wants."
Shock

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 22:27

Taking the money out of the kids bank accounts is out of order.

Getting out of it at a lads weekend away once a year is fine.

Driving 200 miles once a year is not a problem.

I think you need to be specific about what it is you really think the problem is.

Your time together is like gold dust but there are 52 weekends in a year and he wants only one for himself.

My guess is he'll grow out of it eventually anyway.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2013 22:29

It's not specifically his (infrequent) drug use that's the problem, is it? Nor is it really him having an annual holiday? It's that he thinks that what he wants is the only thing that matters, and that it's fine for him to take all the available leisure time for himself and all the money, even to take more money than is available, for himself. Do you get any treats? Even something small like a magazine or a trip to the theatre, or coffee with a mate? Because a marriage in which you are constantly sacrificing yourself so that he can have fun is a profoundly unhealthy one.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 22:30

Can you keep money separate from his?

Oh yes! Like before we married? We had separate houses, separate cars, separate holidays, separate money, separate lives. He had growing debts and I didn't. I was a struggling single mum. He doesn't really want to go back to that and nor do I.

OP posts:
Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 22:32

You are right sgb. My problem is mainly his priorities. I don't seem to matter at all. :(

OP posts:
Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 22:50

I think driving 200 miles when you're probably still shitfaced is a problem.

wonga sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that you should keep all your finances apart. But it sounds as though some separation of funds might afford a degree of protection for your dc's money and some control for you.
Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 22:51

Have you had a proper talk to him about priorities or has it all the conflict manifested itself in the holiday issue?

If it's about the money you should keep that the subject and be specific.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 22:55

I don't think OP said he was driving while shitfaced.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:01

No, just hours of driving the day after being up all night shit faced

OP posts:
QuintEggSensuality · 02/04/2013 23:03

I cant believe you are all insulting Neanderthals. Sad

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:04

It is not just the money.
There are some more reasons upthread.

OP posts:
Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:05

Sorry Quinteggsensuality :)

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 23:06

If you think that's dangerous then he should come back the night before. I would be more concerned if he's driving dangerously because he will be risking everything if he's doing that.

Tell him to come back the day before on the train or something. You've got to be clear with him. Set your boundaries.

Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 23:09

No. I see that.
Fwiw I wouldn't be happy about it either. For all the reasons you've given.

NomNomDePlum · 02/04/2013 23:09

' he just said I'm fucking going and that's it.'

this is why he's a cunt, just to clarify. it's not that he wants to spend the weekend being an arse with his mates, or that he is going to do a couple of Es or whatever - it's that he has made a unilateral decision which impacts the op's time and money, and has not even pretended to be civil about it.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 23:13

Polly thanks for your well-meaning advice but I am not his mother. I don't tell him what to do.

OP posts:
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