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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

190 replies

wongadotmom · 01/04/2013 08:29

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset :(

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 01/04/2013 15:52

A teacher who sulks if he can't go on druggie weekends with his mates? Bloody Hell, does he spend so much time with teenagers he thinks he is one?

He needs to be really careful he does not get caught taking drugs, I am pretty sure his job would be in danger if he did. Is it ever worth it?

HoneyStepMummy · 01/04/2013 18:01

The stag do is not more important to men than the wedding, the stag do is more important to your husband. Really, I'm speechless. You can't afford to attend the wedding without accruing debt, yet your husband is having a huge tantrum over not being able to attend a drug fuelled lad's weekend.

Just taking drugs would be enough for me to end the marriage, but the financial irresponsibility would be the nail in the coffin.

He obviously can't afford the lad's holiday either since he's not willing to cough up for childcare.

b4bunnies · 01/04/2013 18:09

for heaven's sake, get rid of him. leave, or better still, throw him out. why did you marry a druggie? you want to raise a child with such a person? someone who can't even arrange childcare for his own child?
i haven't read the whole thread so i don't know if this has been suggested before but .... leave the bastard. don't think twice about it. and tell his employers about his drug use - particularly if it affects his working life.

TartyMcTart · 01/04/2013 18:13

Am I being thick but I can't see why the argument is over who is arranging the childcare? Do you take it in turns to ask people? Can't you or he just phone around asking the relevant helpers? Why does it have to be one or the other? Confused

HoneyStepMummy · 01/04/2013 18:18

Tarty, you aren't being thick but they might have the same arrangment me and DH have. My family's all in the UK and DH's family aren't very nice or helpful. We don't have anyone who can help us so we just try to rely on each other.When my DH goes on business trips I take care of the kids. When all else fails us, we pay someone. If I was working and my DH wanted a lad's night out it would be his responsibility to arrange childcare.

Emilythornesbff · 01/04/2013 18:48

wonga wouldn't your daughter look after DS?

I guess then, you are literally asking iuabu about thinking your dh is a Neanderthal because of his view about stag being more important than wedding.
So, yes, and no, because we're all different I suppose.
Sorry to get so sidetracked by the other issues.

hiddenhome · 01/04/2013 18:52

Feed him a week old crab sandwich 12 hours before he's due to set off Wink

Mollydoggerson · 01/04/2013 19:05

Leave the bastard.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2013 19:05

You're married to a twat. What AThing said. A druggie, sulky fuckwit who is thousands of pounds in debt and strops when he can't run off to take drugs. What a douchebag.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2013 20:09

Druggie sulky fuckwit about sums it up IMO. Definitely not Neandethal ...

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2013 20:54

Erm, by the sound of it the man takes drugs once a year. This is not, actually, a big deal so do stop hoiking your knickers over that aspect of it (all of you, not specifically OP who doesn't seem bothered by the drugs aspect.)Very occasional use of recreational drugs is something quite a few people like to do, but a lot of mundanes are hysterically ignorant and judgemental about 'druuuuuugs' despite drinking alcohol from time to time. There's sod all difference apart from the legal aspect, and even then, you'd have to a) get caught and b) get actually convicted. And a bunch of middle class professionals having a couple of Es is not worth the paperwork.

(oh and before anyone starts, I don't take recreational drugs myself. I like wine, cider and whisky. But I have a low tolerance for squawky bigotry).

But I'll ask you again OP, what do you get in the way of leisure time? OK you may not fancy a weekend of hedonistic rampaging with your female friends, but do you get to go to the pictures with a mate, or see a band, or just a leisurely lunch or whatever you, particularly, like to do? I'm getting the impression that your H thinks that all the 'fun' time in your household belongs to him, while your life is paid work/domestic work/spending time with DC.

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 21:04

I'm with SGB. I am a bit Hmm about the fact that you are making a huge issue out of him having a weekend away. It's very healthy to have time apart in a relationship. Enjoy the free time for yourself! Mine wouldn't go away if I begged him, even for a night.

HolidayArmadillo · 01/04/2013 21:22

polly have you read the thread? OP isn't complaining about her husband going away, more that he expects her to pick up the slack whilst he does so. The OP won't have any free time, she is working.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2013 21:34

Erm, by the sound of it the man takes drugs once a year. This is not, actually, a big deal
In your view.
And it would be quite a big deal to his employers.

hwjm1945 · 01/04/2013 21:50

He should organise the childcare. He is behaving childishly,he should make the are arrangements

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 01/04/2013 21:56

SGB - no need to refer to people who don't share your view as 'mundanes', it is bad from to sneer at people just cost they don't see things your way. There are a range of views on drugs, on drinking, on everything in life.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 01/04/2013 21:58

From = form, cost = cos

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 22:09

Holiday He didn't go last year because they had no money, but normally it's every year in April May, so she would have expected it this year. I think OP you have handled this badly - booking a caravan without discussing it with him is just going to make things worse. Can't you just talk to each other openly and agree stuff? Calling him a Neanderthal isn't going to make things better.

StuntGirl · 01/04/2013 22:11

Just because you see nothing wrong with illegal drugs don't assume everyone feels the same sgb. Oh, and I don't drink alcohol either before you get your judgey knickers in a twist.

MidnightMasquerader · 01/04/2013 22:40

'Mundanes' is SGB's word, Yellow - she isn't about to stop using it any time soon. Wink

There's the other aspect of drug use, of course - how they get into the country, as well as how they're manufactured, and the human cost involved in both. Just slightly more of an issue than purely the legality of it. Do a quick wiki check on the Mexican drug trade, of you're not familiar.

And I say this as somone who had more pills and lines than hot dinners back in my late 90s/early 00s clubbing days. Now, having learnt a bit more about it, it's that side of it that puts me totally off, even if I do miss the good times.

Sorry for the O/T - I often agree with you SGB, but you're being disingenuous on this particular issue, simply to point-score against your mundanes...

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 02/04/2013 07:12

Well it is a sneery thing to say IMO.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 16:32

Wishihadabs - your post gives me a little hope. I do hope my DH also sees sense and realises that I deserve better treatment than this but this has been going throughout our marriage so I may be clutching straws.

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 16:40

What exactly has been going throughout your marriage - is there more to it than just this annual beano thing?

Original poster
wongadotmom · 02/04/2013 16:45

It's the shit treatment every year whether he goes or doesn't go Polly. He brings it up throughout the year. He resents the fact that I don't approve of these particular trips and I never will because of his twatty approach about it.

OP posts:
InSearchOfPerfection · 02/04/2013 17:06

Oh dear.
He really feels extremely entitled ....
And with with little sense of responsibility too (if you are working and it's his responsibility to look after the dcs, then it should be him who organises child care if he can't do it).

But really the issue is that he hasn't had his Los with the lads for the last 2 years. He isn't happy about it and is rewriting history by saying that he didn't go before because of you. Unless he is so had with money he would have gone, put himself into more debt for a lad's hols...

You really need to give him his responsibility re child care etc back. Let him struggle to find some solution so he can go to his stag do.
And give him back responsibility re the finances too. He might not be able to go because he doesn't have the money. But he needs to acknowledge that rather than finding all the different other possible things you should have done to 'protect' him from seeing the harsh truth.
Seriously he just acting like a child. Not a grow up man.

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