AIBU to throttle DD???!!

[matchpoint]

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

Backstory: DD is 4 years old, and she and her sister have received (too) many Easter eggs from school, family friends, various well-meaning relatives etc. Both had a Creme egg for a treat after dinner, and the rest of their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/eaten by me (seriously, there are a lot).

I come downstairs to get DD up for bathtime, and she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers. There was chocolate in little bits all over the floor, some of which melted and it took ages to clean up.

When asked about it, DD lied to my face that it wasn't her, but eventually fessed up (her sister is innocent in this affair). I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week. DH is a bit of a softy, and reckons being shouted at and sent to bed was punishment enough.

DH thinks this is too harsh; my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade-off---snuck into Easter eggs, Mummy shouted a bit, but she still got chocolate. MN thoughts please??

I don't think anyone's saying that the 4 year old shouldn't have been disciplined. Most did think that obnly one small egg on easter Sunday is a bit mean. And that the punishment didn't need to be OTT. As I said upthread if my DS had been found in the same situation he would have been told no more eggs today, help clear up the mess and apologise to the siblings whose eggs he took. Maybe swap some eggs around so sibling doesn't get nibbled egg. I would not have got angry (in fact I would probably have had to leave the room while I laughed!)

The denial thing wouldn't have worried me. In fact it's a reassuring sign - that they knew what they were doing was wrong. it's when they proudly come and show you the disaster that you really need to despair while still trying not to laugh

I think that young children can be manipulative. I have a 5 year old sister (big big age gap) and whilst sometimes she can be as sweet as pie she can also be a manipulative little devil - not very subtle or clever about it like an adult would be but I would certainly describe some of her behaviour as such. I wouldn't describe her as manipulative, but her behaviour certainly can be.

I have just read the OPs posts - what an overreaction.

Sneaking too much chocolate at easter is something lots of children to. Its part of being a child, I found DS sat in my bedroom eating one he had found a few weeks back and had to stop myself laughing told him off and got on with things.

Talk about taking all the eggs off her and other things is a massive overreaction for a 4 year old.

I read this last night and it did play on my mind as I lay in bed. Very very sad and worrying. OP I really, truly hope you take on board what everyone has been saying here.

Reminded me of something my DD did at around that age. I had baked a cake (a rare event ) and left it on the kitchen counter while I went to do something else. Came down a little later to find DD stood there CRAMMING handfuls of cake into her mouth. I was shocked, but even then I could see there was a funny side. I still laugh now to think of her, frozen, wrist-deep in cake, with "Oh no, busted!" written all over her face . She had eaten about a third of the cake and it was, of course, ruined. But you know, it was my fault, I'd left a very tempting item unattended within the reach of a typical small child. Her reaction was utterly normal, as was your DD's behaviour.
My DD got a stern talking-to and then no more was said about it. Yours was left crying herself to sleep, undoubtedly frightened, heartbroken and feeling as though the world was ending. We are our small children's whole worlds.

Please absorb the overwhelming response to your AIBU

Manipulative means having awareness of what you want then planning on going round the houses to get it imo. At four years old she's trying it on, pushing the boundaries. I think manipulative is inaccurate and a horrible way to describe a child OR their behaviour.

I taught 4 year olds, too and I have a four year old. the punishment was too harsh. being told what they did was wrong and why, and with time out to think about it for a few short minutes would have been enough. leaving a child to cry themselves to sleep is too much.

You know what I would have done if my 4 year old DD had done this.I would have told her off then I would have laughed about it.

I am sometimes Shouty Mummy, but I always end up feeling so bad I resolve to be better and apologising to my children.

I would have been cross too, but I'd have made my son give two of his eggs to his brother to replace the ones he took, he'd have helped clear up and done his 5 minutes in time out. That would have been the end of it, though he might have lost his bedtime story if I was particularly cross/a bad day. I'd never ever be able to leave my child to cry themselves to sleep, I'd have to go and cuddle them and talk about how I forgive them and we all make mistakes and reassure them how much I love them. Sometimes you just have to admit you're wrong and that you're sorry, even to your own children.

I hope you have made up with your dd this morning OP.

I was all ready to defend the OP against the barricade of OTT comments until I saw her remark about bulimia.

Thanks to this thread I think half of Mumsnet allowed their DC's chocolate for breakfast today. [bugrin]

I'm a teacher. Of 4 year olds. Yes you know your child better than I ever could but my god they're cleverer than lots of parents think. Cleverer and manipulative (as in 'I know how to play mummy and daddy'

When my DCs were 4 years old they had lovely teachers in their nursery and reception classes, fortunately, who didn't seem to think the worst of them.

What an absolutely horrible overreaction to completely normal four year old behaviour.

Just read through some more responses. Poor wee girl.

I think most of us on here have been shouty parents at one time or another but describing a little girl in such awful, pejorative terms..manipulative, sneaky, greedy...is indicative of a really nasty mind set and is actually quite chilling.

The OP didn't come back then? was hoping she was gong to come and tell us that they had a nice day together today :(

LineRunner that's just what I thought. I was so grateful that my ds had such a caring and thoughtful reception teacher. At 4yrs old, it's uncomfortable to think they are around people who see their developmentally normal behaviour in such weighted and judgmental terms.

The thing I find strange is that the OP seems to think that what her child did out of the ordinary and it isn't. Her DD will probably do something similar again. Your role, as a parent, is to teach why this sort of behaviour is wrong - over and over again - until they get it. Going batshit crazy at them is not the way to achieve that.

If I was married to someone who treated our children like this, they'd be told to leave.

OP, you are angry, nasty and mean. You ARE already damaging them, and I hope their dad sees this and makes an effort to protect them.

Sort yourself out. NOW. Let this horrible, horrible event be the catalyst your DC need.

Or they will be Stately Homers, for sure.

reception teacher here. Nobody I have ever taught was 'manipulative'. 4 and 5 year olds are intrinsically innocent. even the most challenging children I have taught I would not describe as 'manipulative'. If you think your own child is manipulative then blame yourself for shoddy parenting. Older children who manipulate others have usually been supressed and bullied by their parents/elders or others.

Matchpoint, please think about how you respond to your 4yo's behaviour.

I recognise a little bit of my own relationship with my mum in your post. I was a sneaky, greedy, lying chocoholic AND would 'steal' my sister's sweets. My mum's response was to tell me that this was typical of me, that I'm a liar and a thief (at 4....) and would froth about it for days. What I'm trying to say is that she took all normal behaviour for a child very, very personally and gave me the feeling that I was a bad person rather than a child who had done a bad thing.

These things tend to stick and I'm still find it very difficult to deal with mistakes, and have to re-assure myself that making a mistake or a bad decision doesn't turn me into a bad person.

My mum is and was not horrible or abusive but has issues with self confidence. Could this be something you struggle with matchpoint? You have set out a clear rule, your child went behind your back and deep down you feel she has done this to undermine you?

If that is the case, please look at ways to controling your anger and insecurities, because there is a strong chance you will pass them on to her.

Just a few things to maybe look out for:

• Child has done something (minor) - you feel it was done BECAUSE they WANTED to upset you
• still angry hours or even days after the incident
• you remember and bring up old incidents when child has done something new
• labelling small children 'liar', 'sneeky', 'greedy' or telling them it's typical for them to be naughty
• comparing child with other 'better' children
• dismissing child's apology to be 'not good enough'

Please, please, please ask for help if you recognise yourself here.

I'm actually reminded of a time when my DS found a bag of chocolate smothered toffee in the fridge and scoffed the lot, aged about 5 (I think).

I only found out cos he couldn't manage any of his tea and then I found it empty at the back of the fridge when I went to get a piece for myself!

I told him off and explained he shouldn't do that. Then I went into the kitchen to hide the fact I was laughing....

OP, are you having a hard time at the moment or have some unresolved issues from your own childhood? What a crazy reaction, I think you need to see someone about your anger issues. She's 4 years old, you need to keep stuff she can't have away from her.

If you carry on like this all the time throughout her childhood, expect a horrific few teenage years culminating in her leaving home as soon as possible and never wanting to see you again.

Your attitude and behaviour are extremely worrying actually, I hope the responses here make you realise this.

TBH I'm a bit surprised at all the people who think it ISN'T reasonable to be really angry for that. Never in my whole life was I allowed 'a whole easter egg' in a day! We would have had maybe a creme egg and a quarter of the actual egg, possibly, but we'd never have been allowed the whole thing. We were taught that it wasn't good for you to eat it all in one go. If any of us had done what the OP's daughter did we would have got in proper trouble too!!

OP I would make her give eggs to people whose she ate, and then have her own eggs but supervised. Forget about the iPad (I think you have anyway).

My mum would never have 'laughed' about behaviour like this. Ever. I've had issues in my life regarding self esteem but I'm sorry I refuse to believe any of it came from 'mummy doesn't love me because she wouldn't let me gorge myself silly on too much chocolate and she expected me to do as I was told'

Well, we would still laugh about it years later.

It isn't reasonable to be really angry about something so trivial WhatNow! What is the OP going to do when her DD does something really bad?

I've had issues all my life because of the way my mum went 'bat shit crazy' at me over the most ridiculous, trivial things! Have you ever sat in your bedroom crying whilst your birthday party went on downstairs, because you had been screamed at, hit and sent there for taking 1 chocolate finger off the table at 5 years old! I have, it is shit and the issues I have now are down to my mother!

Cross yes, so angry that you blow it up into some dreadful crime, then hours later still be raging about it...completely inappropriate and disproportionate.

I'm surprised anyone would get in a rage about children snaffling a bit of chocolate.