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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to throttle DD???!!

471 replies

matchpoint · 31/03/2013 21:41

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

Backstory: DD is 4 years old, and she and her sister have received (too) many Easter eggs from school, family friends, various well-meaning relatives etc. Both had a Creme egg for a treat after dinner, and the rest of their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/eaten by me (seriously, there are a lot).

I come downstairs to get DD up for bathtime, and she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers. There was chocolate in little bits all over the floor, some of which melted and it took ages to clean up. Angry

When asked about it, DD lied to my face that it wasn't her, but eventually fessed up (her sister is innocent in this affair). I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week. DH is a bit of a softy, and reckons being shouted at and sent to bed was punishment enough.

DH thinks this is too harsh; my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade-off---snuck into Easter eggs, Mummy shouted a bit, but she still got chocolate. MN thoughts please??

OP posts:
MrsSham · 01/04/2013 01:03

I kind of see where you are coming from, I tried to offer some constructive advice, became frustrated it was ignored along with agents. but I do think it irrational to assign greed and gluttony to a child's behaviour. to me it would just be mildly irritating that the child keeps asking, rather than assign it as greed when the child is still learning these limits.

I don't think its inaccurate to compare it to an irrational irritation, though. I'm by no means perfect and do lose my rag, but I like to think I have enough rational thought to see a child's behaviour for what it is and not over inflate it or over react and if I do I also like to think its not too difficult to stand up and say I made a mistake. I wouldn't go ballistic with another adult who displayed a behaviour against my own values so I think its sensible to check myself when I over react to my child's behaviour because I have been pushed a bit.

Its fair to discipline but its not fair to send a child to bed crying and consider further punishment.

the problem with OP that others are highliting is that she has failed to regulate or reflect on her own behaviour, yet expects exactly that from a four year old.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/04/2013 01:04

Poor little child crying herself to sleep. OP you are the centre of your child's world. She has probably gone to sleep feeling terrified, alone, unloved. I'm not saying she is those things, I'm saying she probably feels those tthings. I'm sure she was not thinking "good trade, that chocolate was delicious". She is only 4 and she must have been absolutely devastated. I feel desperately sorry for her.
I see you and she are having issues with respect for property. That sounds quite disturbing going by your attitude to the egg eating. Why are you so angry? Do you feel better when you have shouted so much that your child is devastated? Do you dislike her? Do you leave things in reach so you can punish her when she makes a mistake and doesn't respect property? Do you feel any love towards her?

whethergirl · 01/04/2013 01:04

Rapunzel fwiw, what you said about the food thing did ring a bell with me. I also hate it when my ds eats out of boredom, or pesters me endlessly for treats when he's had his fair share etc. However, I know why this is. It's because I have food issues (not him). When I think he is being greedy, it's because I hate the greedy part in me.

merryvixen · 01/04/2013 01:04

OP I really hope on some level it'll wake you up, seeing yourself reflected in the reactions on here and you will stop the shocking attitude to your lovely and very young child Sad.

havingamadmoment · 01/04/2013 01:07

This is like the time I found my 4 year old ds had accidentally flooded the bathroom by forgetting to turn the tap off. I went crazyyyyyy for all of about 5 minutes before I suddenly burst out laughing at the fact my two year old had put her Welles on. I apologised to ds we cleaned up and carried on with the day.

You need to realise when you have over reacted.

Rindercella · 01/04/2013 01:20

Matchpoint you are wrong on so many levels, it's very worrying.

I really hope your DD wakes up to a massive hug from her father. At least it seems as though one of her parents has some compassion, and also a degree of perspective and reasonableness.

You on the other hand, can sit in your little smug ivory tower with your beautiful pearl-like teeth and congratulate yourself on your marvellous mothering skills.

I said exactly the same on the other thread about a little boy getting berated for putting some beans in his water, but if you get so mad over such a minor transgression, where else do you leave yourself to go when your DD does something really naughty?

hopkinette · 01/04/2013 01:24

YANBU. Wanting to strangle a 4 year old for eating chocolate is completely normal and sane.

TheFalconsmistress · 01/04/2013 01:43

very sad thread to read Sad poor child, I hope her daddy makes up for your attitude op and she does not end up with self esteem issues. It will ruin her life for so long.

A1980 · 01/04/2013 01:50

I don't have time to read all this but being shouted st and crying yourself to sleep is already way too much for such a little girl.

She's been a bit naughty. She's not evil.

thezebrawearspurple · 01/04/2013 06:16

Poor, poor child. One creme egg on Easter Sunday while having to watch all the other eggs being hidden away 'to be doled out over the next year, eaten by mummy', do you have any idea how controlling and mean you sound? Why couldn't your kids have had a treat of a full easter egg for just one day of the year (just the one, for one day). If you had let them have that one, she wouldn't have been so inclined to have a little taste of all the eggs that you have deprived her of! She wasn't naughty, she was a four year old child responding to a very controlling mothers food issues.

The only consequence of you inflicting your food issues on your kids will be to give them serious issues with food. When she's old enough she'll be binging on sugar because you made such a big deal out of depriving her of it. Hopefully you won't push her toward any more serious eating disorders.

Your reaction to her was abusive and the punishment of her was completely over the top.

YABVVVVVVU, controlling, mean, cruel, bullying, lacking empathy, abusive and in denial about how nasty you were to this innocent child.

I feel very sorry for her having you as a mother. Grow up and sort your own mental issues out, stop abusing your children with them.

sherazade · 01/04/2013 09:15

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

you need help.

Altinkum · 01/04/2013 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 01/04/2013 09:24

How do you know at 4 whose teeth they've inherited anyway? It all seems so bizarre.

piratecat · 01/04/2013 09:28

just hope dd gets some chocolate today. i think mine is having some for breakfast.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 01/04/2013 09:32

OP please do take a little time to think about what has been said. Your responses are actually making things sound worse than your first post did, because you are so adamant you are right.

The language you are using about your dd is very extreme and not appropriate to the age of your daughter, phrases such as 'disrespect to property'. It isn't that I think she should be allowed to make a huge mess without any thing being said, but part of being three is making mistakes and being shown by a loving parent how to do it the right way.

I hope you will have a major rethink. It is so rare for such a lot of people to all say the same thing, I think you need to take it on board. If you wanted to adopt a kinder parenting style it iaccessible to change your approach/responses without becoming permissive of bad behaviour.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 01/04/2013 09:36

Sorry, she is four! Part of being four is also making mistakes so I stand by what i said above.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/04/2013 09:37

Is this an April fool?

countrykitten · 01/04/2013 09:39

This thread is frankly shocking. This is a 4 year old little girl. You are clearly a bloody clueless mother and I hope that your DH can compensate for your failings or you are going to thoroughly screw up this child if you have not already damaged her

I feel dreadfully sorry for her. Sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 01/04/2013 09:50

MrsSham

Great last paragraph. We all make mistakes. We should be able to reflect on them, and if we can't stop our over reactions, then we need to seek help with our rage.

CheeseStrawWars · 01/04/2013 09:55

OP - consider this "As a parent, there are certain things that are guaranteed to push your buttons... Rather than focusing on how you can change your child's behaviour... it is your own attitudes and perceptions rather than your child's behaviour that spark your anger - and these are often based on your own relationship with your parents." Book link

Yes, your child misbehaved, but why could/can you not deal with that calmly? Your reaction was disproportionate to the behaviour. Your DH can see this, most people on this thread can see it. Please take a step back and consider why.

Sallystyle · 01/04/2013 09:57

This is a wind up, right?

I can't imagine going bat shit crazy at my 4 year old Sad

Jesus Christ, OP. You fucked up big time and if overreaction like this is normal for you please get help.

Poor child.

Sallystyle · 01/04/2013 10:02

And to be angry an hour later?

My 4 year old opened an egg I asked her not to open. Want to know how I dealt with it? "Hey, DD, I asked you not to open that one yet so please put it away and we will open it later"

That was it. No shouting, or making her cry. Just reminding her that I had asked her not to open another one.

What the heck are you going to do when she gets older because trust me, if this makes you this angry you and your kids are going to have a hell of a time of it when they get to the tween/teen stages Shock

Fanjounchained · 01/04/2013 10:06

When I read the title of this thread I came on here expecting to read about a teenager who had been out all night, drinking, taking drugs, having sex with her boyfriend and inviting friends over to her parent's house and it ended up getting trashed.

Instead I'm reading about a 4yr old girl eating too much chocolate and nicking some from her big sister. Did you never do anything naughty at that age OP ? My two ate their body weight in chocolate yesterday, and are having crème eggs for breakfast again this morning. I know I have my own issues with food (DH "affectionately" calls me a food Nazi as I usually scrutinise everything they eat, but I'm trying to loosen up...) and I'm trying not to pass them on.

The only time I've truly lost my rag with my 5 yr old ds is when he has been really rude, (shouting back at me, telling me I'm annoying him) and within half an hour I've felt like shite and realised that he probably had a point and I was annoying him so I need to regulate my behaviour and reactions before I can expect anything more from him. Hope you've taken on board everything that's been said here OP. You fucked up, but hopefully you realise that. Today is a new day and all that....

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 01/04/2013 10:08

I can't even read this thread. That poor little girl. No story or cuddle, not even a bath! :( :(

YABMoreUThanAlmostAllAIBU'sIHaveSeen.

You seriously need to have a good hard look at your 'parenting skills' or your daughter will be on the Stately Homes thread in fifteen years.

KansasCityOctopus · 01/04/2013 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.