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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to throttle DD???!!

471 replies

matchpoint · 31/03/2013 21:41

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

Backstory: DD is 4 years old, and she and her sister have received (too) many Easter eggs from school, family friends, various well-meaning relatives etc. Both had a Creme egg for a treat after dinner, and the rest of their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/eaten by me (seriously, there are a lot).

I come downstairs to get DD up for bathtime, and she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers. There was chocolate in little bits all over the floor, some of which melted and it took ages to clean up. Angry

When asked about it, DD lied to my face that it wasn't her, but eventually fessed up (her sister is innocent in this affair). I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week. DH is a bit of a softy, and reckons being shouted at and sent to bed was punishment enough.

DH thinks this is too harsh; my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade-off---snuck into Easter eggs, Mummy shouted a bit, but she still got chocolate. MN thoughts please??

OP posts:
KansasCityOctopus · 01/04/2013 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nirvana1999 · 01/04/2013 00:31

My dd drew over a cream leather sofa with a biro. I was livid, I told her off, she cried and said sorry but she was just trying to draw a pretty picture for her mummy. She had a biro and a blank canvas, the temptation was too much. Same idea with the chocolate, she probably knew deep down somewhere she would be in trouble but didn't quite realise at 4 just what the outcome would be.

AgentZigzag · 01/04/2013 00:32

The OP has said 'Have cooled down slightly and reconsidered.' about the i-whateveritwas whethergirl.

RapunzelAteMyHamster · 01/04/2013 00:35

I said that I have to sit on myself not to communicate to dd that I find it grim that she constantly agitates for every ingredient that goes in continually. I laugh and give her some - that child has eaten more little sticks of butter than go in the bloody cake. And half the decorations. And yesterday she licked the bowl so effectively she needed to go in the bath she had so much in her hair.

But, inside, I find her constantly saying, can I have a bit, can I have a bit can I have a bit more, upsetting, and I've never been quite sure why, it feels really primal.

A lot of people seem to be desperate to project a whole load of abusive behaviour onto me because I said that I find something grim. I never said I communicated or passed that on to my child.

But I also don't get why there is a massive pile on to the op saying she's an abusive parent over something where she overreacted to some, in my eyes, really naughty behaviour. I'm genuinely surprised that people think it's just a bit cheeky or something.

BoringTheBuilder · 01/04/2013 00:38

Does she have adult teeth already than?

sweetmelissa · 01/04/2013 00:38

I wish I hadn't read this thread . I keep thinking OP is going to come back and realise that she's been harsh, regret letting her cry to sleep and that she'll make it up to her tomorrow. It's not going to happen is it?

I so agree. I am the only person here who really feels deeply for the little girl and wants to wake her up for a hug and kiss myself? Maybe I am just being pathetic to feel so deeply from words on a screen, but I just feel really sad for her tonight. As a Foster Carer I know children remember OTT reactions to minor incidents, words said and not regretted, crying and feeling alone, and I just hope in her heart the OP knows that too. But hopefully, hopefully, the OP is not the "harsh" parent that her words suggest.

I have learnt a lot tonight, and I hope the OP has too.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 01/04/2013 00:38

A four year olds house is suddenly full of chocolate. She wasnt allowed some, and then she ate some.

You never ever let a child cry itself to sleep. Poor little girl.

LadyWidmerpool · 01/04/2013 00:39

Rapunzel 'Batshit crazy'. Four.

AgentZigzag · 01/04/2013 00:40

Going on and on and on and on and on is what children do best Rapunzel, it'd take a saint to not find that irritating!

All you can do is just keep banging it home to ask nicely and to take no for an answer.

Grin at her getting her head in the bowl to have a lick though, s'gotta be done.

KansasCityOctopus · 01/04/2013 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 01/04/2013 00:42

This is the saddest thread I've read here for a while. Honestly OP, you really need to re-evaluate your approach!

It's not often I read threads here and think thank goodness for the DH.

Get a grip. She's 4! You will end up with a child who cannot talk to you about anything for fear of setting you off.

Seriously, listen to yourself:

I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

That's horrible! You sound like you really aren't coping, and need help. In fact your children need help.

I bet you wouldn't show your DH this thread.

Machli · 01/04/2013 00:44

Yes the sitting there seething and planning punishments is Shock. I can be shouty but it lasts about five minutes if that and I always apologise to my dc if I was unfair. I can't not.

MrsSham · 01/04/2013 00:45

Rapunzel, read the OP again and her later responses and then read you'r last post and see the difference in measured responses. I don't disagree it was naughty, but what alarms me is OPs behaviour with what has been projected here with absolutely no ability to reflect or regulate her reactions. We all have minor irrational irritations where other people are concerned and even our own dcs are not exempt to them, but how we behave and react to them is crucial.

RapunzelAteMyHamster · 01/04/2013 00:45

I do all that. :) Honestly, I'm quite perplexed by this, it's a thing that I find irrationally upsetting, yet I'm practically a child abuser with massive food issues, because I admitted it? Even though I don't communicate it to her? I'm honestly not a food issue person, I feel there may be projection going on here.

It was chocolate cake batter as well. I think there was even some up her nose.

MrsSham · 01/04/2013 00:47

That isn't what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that actually the difference in how you and how OP have behave are actually very different.

MajaBiene · 01/04/2013 00:47

Don't think anyone's said you are a child abuser Rapunzel - it's more your attitude/reaction to your child wanting food being quite extreme.

MrsSham · 01/04/2013 00:48

Ah your response was to agent not me. X Post there.

whethergirl · 01/04/2013 00:48

Yes exactly AgentZigzag, after 6 hours and countless posts she has only slightly reconsidered - and that was more about the bloody ipad (still obsessing with punishment). I'm sorry, but unless she is feeling regret of going OTT, wanting to make it up to her tomorrow, and feeling quite shitty about this incident then she must have a heart of stone.

KansasCityOctopus · 01/04/2013 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsMarple · 01/04/2013 00:51

TheSeventhHorcrux "??? Really? You know that the rules are different for adults, right?"

Why? The rules should be treating all people, big or small, with respect. Best advice I ever got was to think whether I would talk to a work colleague in the way I was speaking to my son.

I'm not saying let the child knock herself out with an aisle full of chocolate, but there are better, fairer, ways of managing the situation than the one chosen by the OP.

RapunzelAteMyHamster · 01/04/2013 00:51

To me, the post isn't at heart about the food. It's about the child doing something she knew was wrong, taking things she knew weren't hers, trashing the room with chocolate and lying. I can see how all those things, coupled with my (irrational?) dislike of obvious greed would make me go ballistic as well.

I don't know how i would have handled it. I did say to the OP that shouting wasn't ideal. But I think we've all had occasions when we've not behaved brilliantly, and it's taken is a while to calm down, and I just wanted the OP to know that I could see it from her side, calm down chill out and everything will seem better in the morning for everyone. I pretty much stand by that.

AgentZigzag · 01/04/2013 00:52

My mum used to have a big thing about lying, but (like other posters have said) because she was so strict and controlling, the humiliation techniques she used to try and make me feel a greedy, sneaky, liar (exactly the same as the OP) just made me lie all the more (and eat a lot less, I felt ashamed because I wanted sweets and things but wasn't allowed them often. If I'd eaten what sweets I'd been given too quickly for her liking, she'd sit me in the middle of the room and I couldn't get down until I'd eaten the rest Sad).

I don't accept lying in my own DC, but I do accept that lying is a necessity in everyday life, nobody wants a world where everyone speaks the truth. It wouldn't work.

There are easier ways to learn the basics.

Elderflowergranita · 01/04/2013 00:54

I think this is one of the saddest and most worrying threads I've read on Mumsnet.

OP, you still seem to be so angry, and every post reeks of self-justification.

I really hope that you are saving face here with your bullish attitude, and that underneath a little of what almost every poster has said has sunk in.

Please please take the advice given on the thread. I don't think anyone feels that your actions were normal and appropriate. Sad

CocacolaMum · 01/04/2013 00:57

The fact of the matter is that yes the child lied but if the end result was her mother going "bat shit" then she was probably too bloody scared to tell her the truth.

There aren't any 4 yr old evil geniuses.

WheresMrMonkey · 01/04/2013 00:59

Please just give her a hug in the morning and say keys forget about yesterday. This is too sad thinking of her crying to sleep over chocolate at easter