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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you won't want to go diving 3 weeks after giving birth

156 replies

ParadiseChick · 31/03/2013 20:30

That's right, diving. On a pretty much restarted island. 5 hours drive away from your baby...

My darljng, crazy sister is 39 and expecting her first baby in July. She lives in south east Asia with her dh, both British but been out there for 7 years now. Charmed life, big income, large house, live in maid etc etc.

I've just got back from my mums who had her weekly Skype with ds is this morning. Mum has booked to go out to my sister's about 3 weeks after the baby is due to meet the baby, see my sister and help out. Today my sister asked mum if she would look after the baby for 3 nights whilst they go on a diving trip.

Sis and her dh are seasoned, experienced divers and pre pregnancy would be away on dive trips once a month. She's obviously itching to do it again as she hasn't been able to whilst pregnant.

She's planning to bf but will express.

The island they dive on is a 4 hour drive and 30 minutes on a boat. It is pretty much deserted apart from the dive club, only has power a few hours a day when the generator is put on to refill the tanks. I've been, it's stunning, but bloody cut off!

Mum is going out on her own, isn't that confident in the country, sticks to their pool and whatever restaurant the y drive her to of an evening. She'd be happier in an exclusive beach resort but hasn't had a holiday like that for years because she goes out to see dsis every year.

Mum said no. She's happy to look after the baby so they can go out for a meal or whatever but not 3 nights with a new born n a country isn't familiar with or confident in.

Sis took the higher and said something along the line of but you look after paradise kids. Yes, she's had ours overnight on a regular basis from about 12 weeks but we're 30minutes down the road on the end of a phone if need be.

All that aside - wtf? Diving? 3 weeks post birth I still felt like my insides were falling out if I walked any longer than 10 minutes and a bra hurt never mind a fucking wet suit!

OP posts:

olivertheoctopus · 31/03/2013 23:38

It'll never happen. She'll still be bleeding and will never be able to express enough milk to feed a baby for 3 days. Bonkers.

DoJo · 31/03/2013 23:47

I think any discussion should focus on how uncomfortable your mum feels about being left alone with a newborn rather than comments on her having no idea what it's going to be like. Nobody does until they do it, and it's unnecessary to lord over how little you think she understands about what it will be like as she will handle things her own way and learn as she goes, like we all do. Maybe planning this trip is a sign that she's having a bit of a last minute panic (like a lot of people I know do) about how much her life is going to change so she's trying to ensure that she still makes time for the things that are important to her now, which is perfectly reasonable. She may still want to go on the trip, she probably won't, but telling her she's naive and assuming that your experience means you can predict how she will feel could be counter-productive and isn't very nice.

ThreeWheelsGood · 01/04/2013 00:40

Not sure if diving involves a wetsuit or dry suit? Explain to her that tampons are not recommended for lochia. She will still be bleeding at 3 weeks post partum, and maternity pads in a wetsuit, ew. Does she know she'll be 3 weeks exactly? What if she's overdue? She needs someone to manage her expectations, she won't have BF established by then, especially not enough to have expressed. Why would she even want to be away from her baby for that long so soon after birth?

noblegiraffe · 01/04/2013 07:41

If she's that big into her freedom, nannies, leaving the kids etc then she probably won't end up bfing in the long term anyway, but a three day break at three weeks would kill it. Three weeks is also a growth spurt so no way would she be able to express enough beforehand.

That aside, it won't happen because your mum won't babysit, which is perfectly reasonable as newborns are intense. I wouldn't have wanted to be alone for 3 days and nights with my own 3 week old, let alone someone else's in a foreign country.

maddening · 01/04/2013 07:53

Your dsis will be so glad your mum said no when the time comes!

KLou111 · 01/04/2013 07:58

If she's that much into being free, WTH is she having a child? Poor kid.

Longdistance · 01/04/2013 08:06

I think your ds is being really really unrealistic, and quite frankly bonkers if she thinks she'll just be able to leave baby. She's gonna be in or a massive shock. If she ends up with an emcs, she certainly won't be able to go.

Don't say anything, just smile and nob and be smug to yourself, when she can't go

Longdistance · 01/04/2013 08:07

Nob???? Erm, nod.

swallowedAfly · 01/04/2013 08:11

bless her!

i used to be a diving instructor and there is no way i would have taken someone diving 3 weeks after birth. the womb may not yet have retracted fully and i don't know what effect big pressure changes would have on that. she won't have had a full sign off from a doctor at that point and has it occurred to her she might have stitches? some people don't even take a bath for weeks after a vaginal birth.

last time i had cervical treatment i seem to recall being told to only shower not immerse myself in a bath - don't recall advice after birth - i had an episiotomy and the most i wanted to do water wise was sit in a shallow bath with lots of salt and lavender oil in it to avoid infection and promote healing - 30m of seawater whilst squished in a wetsuit would not have been high on my to do list

obviously everything else that has been said too - the naivety that you'll be able to express enough milk for 3 days within a couple of weeks of birth is breath taking bless her - she may be in for quite a shock! and can you imagine how much milk you'd be leaking with the pressure changes lol - i have visions of doing a safety stop with milk spurting out of wetsuit as the breasts and ducts re-expand.

no - it isn't going to happen.

EauRouge · 01/04/2013 08:12

Imagine squishing engorged norks into a wet suit. Ouch.

Am at the thought of lochia attracting sharks.

Planning to go diving 3 weeks after giving birth is utterly bonkers but you don't know things like that the first time, do you? I'm sure she'll change her mind.

SilverSky · 01/04/2013 08:23

Ahhhh the ignorance is bliss state of
mind.

Its U to hold your mum to emotional ransom over helping you and your family out when its their choice to move overseas. Surely if they lived closer to your mum, she would be helping out whenever she was able.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/04/2013 08:26

If it were her second baby she would know her own body etc, but with this being her 1st, i cant see this diving trip becoming reality
Her baby could be overdue, if baby is overdue then then the scheduled trip wont go ahead anyway and even if not, she will probably still be bleeding and you cannot express that early on anyway.

Fwiw i would let her have her dream, as quite simply, it will never go past what's in her head.
New pregnant mums to be, don't realise quite how much their life and bodies will change as they have never been through it before themselves to know what a changing experience motherhood is.

She will have it in her head that she will have baby on set date, be back in her pre pregnant clothes, be back to normal activities within a week etc, etc, but babies & bodies don't allow for such quick change. I felt this was all how it would be with pfb 10yrs +years ago, well many years later and 4 dc down the line i know it isn't all that easy. But i enjoyed living in my mystical 1st pregnancy bubble, so don't burst it, she will find out in her own time.... Just be supportive

Finallygotaroundtoit · 01/04/2013 08:37

Everyone is assuming dsis is the one who is being unrealistic. What about her DH?

I knew someone who was pressured into a 'second honeymoon' abroad weeks after giving birth.

Her mum was left with baby and she sat on the beach with sore boobs just to reassure her DH that he still 'came first'

Tailtwister · 01/04/2013 08:44

As it's her first baby I think she's being pretty optimistic. I felt I'd been run over by a herd of elephants for weeks after the first one, but was out and about within hours of the second. Bleeding wise, I think it was a good 3 or 4 weeks both times before it stopped. Apart from that, you're really not up for leaving your baby that early. I remember being anxious about going to get my hair cut at 3 months the first time, just in case DS1 needed a feed. The hairdressers was just up the road!

LittleChickpea · 01/04/2013 08:45

I dive so I can understand why she would been itching to get back in the water post pregnancy. Whether she can is a different story. But I believes it's alright as long as the Doc says you can. Depending on health and recovery (utrus) you can go back anywhere between 4 and six weeks as long as you have no blood loss related anaemia. As Swallow says not sure the dive masters would be too happy that soon after though.

I agree your sister is been unfair on your Mother though and good on your mum for saying no.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 01/04/2013 09:01

A 12 week old for one overnight is very different to a 3 week old for 3 nights. A 12 week old might be sleeping through if lucky, or more likely only up once or twice a night. A 3 week old may be up 5 or 6 times. Also, if it's one overnight, your mum can hand you the baby back the next day and go for a nap to recover. Your mum will presumably be jet lagged. She will not have the language skills and local knowledge to get to a doctor if anything is wrong with baby (or with her).

There you go, a bunch of reasons why this is a very different situation and why your mum isn't treating you and DSis differently.

QuickLookBusy · 01/04/2013 09:10

I'm glad your mum has put her foot down and said no. She sounds very sensible!

What did your sis say to your mum, when she said no.

ChocsandChipsandSealingWax · 01/04/2013 09:27

There's no way I'd want to look after my own DDs newborn at three weeks old for three nights in England with her just down the road, let alone in a foreign country with a medical system I wasn't familiar with.

Your mum is not BU, but in any case your sister is crazy and it won't happen, for all the reasons above. Agree with the poster who said there's no need to tell your sister why she won't want to do it/be able to do it - just smile and nod on that bit, and focus on why it's not fair to your mum.

PacificDogwood · 01/04/2013 09:55

You voicing any concerns with your sister may go down better if you focus on how this is too much to ask of your mum rather than focussing on the folly of divine IYSWIM?

I have big sympathy with your DSis maybe having last minute cold feet wrt to the huge and irrevertable lifestyle change she is about to embark on. Maybe she is trying to prove to herself and her DH that life can go on as before??

I so remember the dinner out DH and I went for the night before my induction with DS1 (I was T+15 and as big as an ocean liner ) - it was lovely and I was a bit sad that 'the two of us' was coming to an end . Before you judge me too harshly, I had DS1 at the age of 37, after 4 MCs and 5 years of trying, so it really was just a passing twinge...
Although I was not wrong, it was several years before DH and I went out alone again .

MummytoKatie · 01/04/2013 10:03

I was planning to walk home from hospital after having dd. (Not completely ridiculous - we only live a mile away and I was still walking 4 miles a day up until the day I went into labour - and we walked home after dh had an operation on his hand as he refused to wait 5 minutes for the plentiful supply of buses and taxis.) It just seemed a complete waste of time for dh to have to go and get the car when the traffic is so bad in our city.

Plan came to a crashing halt after I had a PPH and could barely walk to the loo without fainting. I'll know better this time!

motherinferior · 01/04/2013 11:32

Do you know, that was the bit I felt totally furious with Kitzinger et all about - the blithe declarations that I'd feel just fine afterwards and the six week check up was an artificial construct blah blah blah. I had no illusions about birth but I clung to this belief that after the hell of pregnancy I would start feeling like me again pronto.

HA.

And in fact six weeks later I did in fact go for a swim and have my eyelashes dyed and started feeling like me again. Exactly, to the day

weegiemum · 01/04/2013 11:34

I'm a PADI diver. No reputable place will take you before 6 weeks pp.

PacificDogwood · 01/04/2013 11:37

That's the thing though: expectations, any expectations.

Like I said, after DS1 I felt fine and could've walked home (I didn't). With DS2 I had an emCS and emphatically could NOT have.

The Op's sister will learn to go with the flow - you wait when the baby behaves in ways that suggest it has not ready any of the books .

specialsubject · 01/04/2013 11:39

she needs to learn the difference between what she wants and what she can have. Diving puts specialised pressures on the body and the risk is not acceptable that close to birth.

the practicalities and any emotional issues are irrelevant. She cannot dive 3 weeks after birth. End of.

if she is really that experienced a diver she would have more sense.

CecilyP · 01/04/2013 12:03

If your Dsis is 39, I assume your mum is not that all that young any more, so it is totally unreasonable for her to expect her to look after a new born for what will work out as 4 days and 3 nights. My friend (age 62) had her 4 month old FF DGD for one night and decided she was now too old to look after a baby.

I think most of us will have had slightly unrealistic expectations of what we would be able to do with a new baby, but this takes it to a whole new level. Even if she is feeling totally well after the birth, does she know that she is likely to be bleeding and will have to use towels. She obviously has no idea how difficult it is to express. And as breast milk only keeps for about 5 days in the fridge, she will have to express the same again as she is feeding the baby in the 5 days leading up to the trip. That is an awful lot of bottles, all needing to be carefully numbered so that the your mum feeds in the correct order. Then how is she going to cope with the milk she will be producing when she is on the trip and even actually doing the dives?

Others have said that no diving school will consider taking a new mum that early. The only way round it that I could see would be delaying the trip a little bit and taking your mum with them, so she could look after the baby while your Dsis is actually diving but for your Dsis would look after the baby the rest of the time.

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