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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?

180 replies

TickTockGoesTheClock · 31/03/2013 18:53

A few things to set the context...

DS is three. I've been quite strict in what he eats - he's only had chocolate a handful of times (and the majority of those times were through nursery slip-ups) and until this year, we hadn't bought him an Easter egg. This is the first time I have actually bought and gave him chocolate.

Right, so this afternoon we went to the in-laws. Everyone knows DS isn't allowed chocolate/junk/etc. When we arrived, MIL and FIL said they'd bought DS an Easter egg - I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it.

Later on, MIL decides to present the Easter egg to DS. I explained to DS that he already had half an Easter egg already today, and he can have the rest of the one we bought him later on when we get home. DS was a bit moany, but wasn't too bothered so I put the egg in my bag. MIL chirps in, asking where the Easter egg is, and said "DS you should say, 'I want my Easter egg!' and stamp your feet. Then Mummy will give it to you" [buhmm] She didn't leave it at that, she started looking around for the Easter egg, continuing to encourage DS to throw a strop and saying "don't listen to Mummy, Grandma said you can have it". She only stopped when her mother gave her a stare and changed the topic to distract DS.

AIBU to think whether or not you agree with my parenting rules, you shouldn't try and show me up in front of DS and encourage him to rebel against me?

OP posts:
Hawkmoon269 · 01/04/2013 08:06

Op - yanbu. Your post was about your mil trying to teach your ds to tantrum. Of course that's not ok!

I do think you were a bit ungracious but I may well have behaved similarly. My mil is always buying chocolate for my 1 yo. She knows I don't give him chocolate/refined sugar yet. That's my choice. I now say "thank you, that's very kind" and either eat it myself or give it away.

But I'm tempted to say "he's ONE!! He doesn't eat chocolate!"

It's east for people with older children to say you are being ridiculously precious. And at 3 yo I won't mind my ds having chocolate every so often. But it's your choice! You ARE being controlling because you are in control of your child's diet. I just never understand the vitriol against parents who are trying to give their dc a healthy diet...

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/04/2013 08:13

Gosh. Threads like this always make me feel like I must be the worst mum as both of my children (3 yo and 18 months) have chocolate. And they love it. Why the fuck shouldn't they have it in moderation? Am I missing something? Hmm

Sirzy · 01/04/2013 08:23

I don't think a diet which excludes things (for non medical reasons) is a healthy diet. A healthy diet is a balanced diet where no food is seen as being a bad food.

twofingerstoGideon · 01/04/2013 08:30

Imagine the scenario if MiL had other grandchildren and got them all Easter eggs but excluded the OP's DS because he's 'not allowed' chocolate.

Can you imagine what sort of AIBU that would lead to?

needastrongone · 01/04/2013 08:38

Hawkmoon - Can I say something and I hope that you don't find me patronising as I certainly don't mean it to be so. It's very different having a one year old to having older children. You can (quite rightly) control their diet to a huge degree. Soon, when they start nursery, playgroup etc, they get invited to parties and other social stuff. Usually, the food on offer is the standard party fodder of sausages, crisps, sandwiches etc. Most of the mothers I knew also put out grapes, raisins, cheese cubes, veggies sticks too but these were not the first things to be eaten ever and always leftover!!!

My kids are 13 and 11, very slim and active I am size 6, DH a size 32 waist still at 51. I am kind of in the Jmaie Oliver camp. Lots of fresh, home cooked stuff but I don't look at the fat or sugar levels etc either tbh. I do love cooking too as a caveat. Yesterday, they had home made vegetable soup for lunch and baked salmon for tea with roasted new potato's and more veggies. But, they also ate some of their chocolate eggs and we all managed a HUGE slice of homemade millionaire shortbread Smile

I want my kids (DD especially) to grow up healthy, fit and with a good attitude to food. My own mother did a lot of stuff wrong tbh but never the food thing and I have never ever dieted honest, but i think that her sensible attitude became my sensible attitude too.

Banning food as they get older seems a bit worrying to be tbh. It can also make them different from their peer group too.

I don't mean to come over as 'holier than thou' to anyone, just, as the kids get older, I find you relax a bit more and find your own way.

needastrongone · 01/04/2013 08:39

What Sirzy said in two lines really Smile

needastrongone · 01/04/2013 08:43

I also find energy drink bottles in dd's bedroom so not having stuff in the house doesn't work either when they get older and have more control over their money and lives etc!!!!

TobyLerone · 01/04/2013 08:45

You were very rude.

MIL was a twat.

differentnameforthis · 01/04/2013 08:46

I don't really want to go into why he's not allowed chocolate, because that's a whole different thread

Not really, it isn't. Him not being allowed chocolate is at the root of this thread, it is not that big a stretch that you need to explain why he isn't allowed it.

Original poster
TickTockGoesTheClock · 01/04/2013 08:57

Morning..

Just going to make one post then I'm out, as DH would not be impressed with me stuck to the computer on our last day off!

We don't actually have chocolate/crisps/any other junk food in the house, so whilst I might eat chocolate because someone happens to bring it into work or whatever, we don't have it at home. But I'm not getting drawn into the chocolate debate, because that's not what the thread was meant to be about.

Those who give their children chocolate, that's great and I'm glad you feel like your decision has been respected as a parent. Unfortunately mine hasn't been - it was judged and undermined. I tried to be as polite as I could be in the situation (given the egg wasn't handed to me so I couldn't take and say he might have it later), but she does know our stance on this, it comes up often enough.

As I said previously, I know he's my PFB, and I am trying to get over myself. But I don't need confrontational situations with MIL pushing it. She may well of wanted to spoil him, but she could have done it in other ways which wouldn't have caused conflict (and she knew it would).

Anyways, over and out.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/04/2013 09:02

You think hour response was polite? Seriously?

MidnightMasquerader · 01/04/2013 09:07

I was absolutely like this with PFB - it lasted a couple of years until I copped onto myself and realised that long-term, I was actually doing more harm than good.

Look, you didn't even have to lie about it. All you had to say, was thank you. The normal, accepted, gracious response when given something.

Your MIL responded very pettily, but honestly, your stance is a silly one and almost begs ridicule. Almost, I said. Wink Hopefully you will see how you're being sooner rather than later.

needastrongone · 01/04/2013 09:12

So did you want to know if people thought you were bu or validation of your own viewpoint when you first posted?

Original poster
TickTockGoesTheClock · 01/04/2013 09:16

needastrongone - the title of the thread is, 'AIBU to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?' not 'AIBU for not letting DS have chocolate?'

And I did thank them for the Easter egg.

Really going now!

OP posts:
Hawkmoon269 · 01/04/2013 09:19

needastrongone Smile not patronised at all!
I have a 6yo dsd and our attitude is very like yours - lots of good home cooked food and chocolate/cake etc is ok as well. She are 2 small (an inch long) eggs yesterday. That's all she asked for - she could have had more but she's not obsessed with chocolate. (Bread stocks are another matter :-)

I don't let my 1 yo have processed sugar and that's ok. He watches his sister eat sweets etc and doesn't mind - the same way he watches me drink tea and doesn't mind. He has no idea what he's missing out on! When he's 2, I'll relax. Honestly. (Probably).

Sirzy · 01/04/2013 09:19

So you expected people to completely ignore your extreme views and the rudeness they led to? Seems you simply want to remain in denial about the fact you were also unreasonable so I do wonder why you posted in the first place!

You still haven't answered the questions about what you will do when your son is invited to birthday parties? Are you going to stop him eating anything?

MidnightMasquerader · 01/04/2013 09:20

All you should have said was 'thank you'.

flippinada · 01/04/2013 09:27

TickTock I think you were not being unreasonable. Ok, you could had handled it more graciously but nobody gets it right or says the right thing all the time. This being AIBU it could easily have gone the other way.

Anyway enjoy the rest of your holiday Smile .

needastrongone · 01/04/2013 09:38

Hawkmoon. Don't think you need to relax at all. Sounds an entirely sensible attitude. I think we started off giving our dc chocolate buttons etc in treat size packs from about one year old. Seems ages ago so can't remember exact dates but certainly we didn't let them have mars bars and fizzy pop etc, very gradual thing.

I am probably deluding myself anyway. I sent some millionaire shortbread over to the neighbour as my dd and theirs are extremely close. Neighbour remarked that he could feel his arteries clogging up eating it, should have stuck to Easter eggs!!!

YellowDinosaur · 01/04/2013 09:42

You were not being unreasonable to want your ds not to have chocolate (I personally think this is overly precious but you are entitled to have a different view) and for this to be respected. You were not unreasonable to be pissed off that mil response was to try and encourage him to have a tantrum.

However you totally and utterly undermined yourself by giving him chocolate yourself

Ffs if I was your mil I'd be pretty confused tbh. If he's not allowed chocolate you shouldn't be giving any to him yourself either. If he is then as others have said you could have accepted the chocolate gracefully and given him a little bit at a time over months. Or is only chocolate you've bought allowed?

ChocsandChipsandSealingWax · 01/04/2013 09:58

What Toby and yellowfin issue said.

You didn't have to be so rude. If it was ok for you to give him an egg, then it should also be ok for extended family to give eggs.

yes MIL was childish and out of order encouraging tantrums, but I expect she's had enough of you being so ridiculously PFB and rude to boot. She probably wouldn't have done it if you had handled things differently. You created this whole situation and as a result, despite yes your silly parenting choices totally being up to you, I don't think you deserve much sympathy.

ChocsandChipsandSealingWax · 01/04/2013 09:58

Damn autocorrect - yellowdinosaur!

lljkk · 01/04/2013 10:52

MIL was childish but tbh, I would chain myself to the fence with her if I had to take sides. I just have too low tolerance for control freakery.

Your approach isn't teaching your DS moderation, OP. And you could have been so much more tactful about Granny's generous gesture.

KansasCityOctopus · 01/04/2013 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

microserf · 01/04/2013 23:25

Oh I know this thread should just die, but i just read the last couple of self satisfied posts from the op and I couldn't sign off without saying to the op - you created the situation. You are part of the problem. You will not get anywhere with your dhs family until you figure that out.

Honestly, I really don't know why you posted in aibu. You are being unreasonable, and very smug about it indeed.