to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?

[TickTockGoesTheClock]

A few things to set the context...

DS is three. I've been quite strict in what he eats - he's only had chocolate a handful of times (and the majority of those times were through nursery slip-ups) and until this year, we hadn't bought him an Easter egg. This is the first time I have actually bought and gave him chocolate.

Right, so this afternoon we went to the in-laws. Everyone knows DS isn't allowed chocolate/junk/etc. When we arrived, MIL and FIL said they'd bought DS an Easter egg - I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it.

Later on, MIL decides to present the Easter egg to DS. I explained to DS that he already had half an Easter egg already today, and he can have the rest of the one we bought him later on when we get home. DS was a bit moany, but wasn't too bothered so I put the egg in my bag. MIL chirps in, asking where the Easter egg is, and said "DS you should say, 'I want my Easter egg!' and stamp your feet. Then Mummy will give it to you" [buhmm] She didn't leave it at that, she started looking around for the Easter egg, continuing to encourage DS to throw a strop and saying "don't listen to Mummy, Grandma said you can have it". She only stopped when her mother gave her a stare and changed the topic to distract DS.

AIBU to think whether or not you agree with my parenting rules, you shouldn't try and show me up in front of DS and encourage him to rebel against me?

If chocolate is so awful, why is your DH eating it? Do you eat chocolate?

Feel sorry for your husband and your son. I think he married Someone exactly like his mum. It's a happier life if you both choose your arguments better. You are both unreasonable. < gavel>

Is your DH on board with things. If so I would let him deal with your DMIL.

I would have said thanks or the egg and then given him a little tiny bit then binned the rest when you got home. It is your kid yor rules but being 'banned' from giving eggs is a little harsh and PFB.

Maybe next year you could let people give him eggs which he could trade in for a present from you.

digerd we do have a difficult relationship at times, she likes to challenge my parenting a lot and is often quite insulting (a couple of times casually racist), but is either completely oblivious or purposely trying to prove something. DH has confronted her in the past about things, in a very reasoned way, and she's fulling accepting on the phone but then DH hears from FIL later that she was in tears the whole day after. So DH tends to not say anything anymore and I'm left fuming.

Yes but just because we bought him one as a one-off, doesn't mean now he's allowed all the chocolate in the world!

I think you must know how silly an exaggeration this is! But actually I'm not unsympathetic about keeping babies and young children away from chocolate all the while they are unaware of its existence. DS1 was nearly 2 when he had his first Easter eggs but it helped that my DM and PIL held similar views. DS2, of course, learned about chocolate much earlier!

However, you can strike a reasonable balance between no chocolate and eating their own weight in it. You accept the Easter eggs with a good grace and then quietly take the majority of it home. That way you don't get into the sort of unproductive battle you had today.

How odd to teach a child to tantrum.
I love that her own mother gave her the [buhmm] eye and that it still works even when your a granny. [bugrin]

I think you were both being unreasonable. The appropriate response when someone gives you or your child something is thank you. Not "oh DC already has one of those, his dad can have this one". How unbelievably rude, your strict rules about chocolate or not. Your DH could still have eaten the damn egg but his mum needn't have known that [buhmm]

However your MIL was out of order encouraging your DS to throw a tantrum like that, was very childish. Think hurt feelings can have that effect on people though at times. If I was yor MIL I'd be offended by your attitude too.

The reason why you are making chocolate an issue is relevant.

If he has a dairy intollerance, for example, then, you should mention that to all and sundry, and remind them of it, if they try to serve the wrong foods.

But if you are just being precious, then you would do well to consider what you are trying to achieve with your strict attitude to chocolate. At the moment, you are encouraging MIL to teach your DS to tantrum. Is that your aim?

Maybe next year you could let people give him eggs which he could trade in for a present from you. - that sounds like a good idea CandyCrushed.

tubsywubsy and TSC - it's not about whether DH and I eat chocolate. DH and I drink alcohol/drive/stay up late etc, doesn't mean DS is allowed to too.

Your MIL was definitely out of order but on the other hand as a grandparent you should be allowed to spoil them a bit, and you are BU if you don't let her treat him every now and again. All you needed to do was thank her politely and put it in your bag but instead you were really ungracious and wouldn't accept the gift, which wasn't that much of an inappropriate gift given the fact that it's easter. I would rather people not give my DC eggs but they do, and I put them away and dole them out at intervals, or eat them myself, but I wouldn't take away from them the excitement they get at being given a gift and I wouldn't rob my parents/in laws of the opportunity to make my DC excited by giving them a gift. If it was something completely inappropriate like a puppy I would obviously not let them receive it but an egg is no big deal if you don't let it be.

Accepting a gift by saying, effectively, "why did you bother, oh well, I'll give it to someone else" is clearly out of order, in my view, Heidi. And a blanket ban on chocolate for a 3 year old must be a downer for extended family. Everyone likes buying little kids Easter eggs. The grandparents probably feel v v frustrated that the OP remains obdurate on the chocolate ban- all their mates will be buying eggs for the loved children in their lives. I totally understand when parents get antsy about babies being given chocolate at 6 months because it doesn't fit in with weaning and should be pureed or whatever but by 3 years most have relaxed somewhat.

It's also true that you are teaching your DS that if somebody gives him a gift that is unacceptable that he tells them right there and then to their face. I prefer to teach my children to say thank you if they are given a gift rather than this is no good/not what I want.

OP. Our kids are 13 and 11 now. How time flies! Everyone parents in a different way so I don't really make a lot of comments about parenting issues. However, the only thing I truly wish I had done with our first dc was relax more and be less precious about him. Having another dc makes you reevaluate a lot and you cringe a touch about how you parented your first. Not all stuff, fundamental stuff I wouldn't change but heavens I wish I has chilled a bit about so many small things.

My mil is wonderful and I am blessed. Not like you it seems. She doesn't do things the way I do, or she even did tbh as she was a very strict parent, but she's indulgent of her grandchildren and that's fine for me. Think giving the kids 3 biscuits when i said just one small one by sneaking them to them with a wink and a grin. i could have got very upset at her 'ignoring' my rules but, really, in the grand scheme if life, does it matter? She's over 80 now, sharp as a pin but deaf as a post and a constant source of amusement for the DC! Especially when tipsy on sherry and telling dh off!!

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but, maybe, had I picked up on all the sneaky biscuits and made an issue of her going against me, we would have such a lovely relationship now, and more importantly, the DC love and adore her.

Not saying she didn't behave badly, but I can honestly see both sides here.

Frawli DS wasn't in the room when MIL and FIL told us about the egg they'd bought. And that's just it - they TOLD us - they didn't give it to us at that point. We did thank them, and I also mentioned what they already knew about DS not being allowed chocolate.

Congratulations - you've moved me to make my first post on AIBU ( after 2 years on MN).
You were VERY unreasonable and properly rude. if you didn't want him to have too much why buy your own egg knowing full well that tradition dictates the giving of chocolate eggs at easter. the egg from his grandma could have been the first/only of the day. It is quite clear (and you've said as much) as this was about control and point scoring with the MIL. Using your child/parenting as a way to get at her is childish and very passive aggressive. I'm not surprised she lost her mind! And I also think you are creating a monster with your overly anxious approach to chocolate. You are in for big trouble trying to enforce that at birthday parties/sleepovers. And if you manage to enforce it then you will most certainly make your child seem a bit weird. I hope you can find ways to sort things out with your MIL because all this sounds very unhealthy. To repeat: YABVU

So they said we got him an egg and you said but you know we don't allow chocolate?

Could you not have said, thank you but we will take it home and he can eat it another time?

Actually YANBU if you dont want your son to have chocolate thats your decision plenty of time when he is an adult, you MIL was completely out of order you declined the chocolate and she knows how you feel so going behind your back to begin with is wrong then trying to teach your son to have a tantrum is bloody out of order I would be FURIOUS.

If I was a grandparent I truly couldn't be bothered with this level of control unless there was a good reason such as allergies. You sound massively difficult and totally over the top. I think YABVU. No Easter eggs at Easter. [bushock]

I think you need to pick your battles much more carefully. Especially since you can't occupy any "not allowed chocolate" moral high ground when you've already bought the "not allowed chocolate" child an Easter egg yourself.

I do think its very sad that the whole family on your side don't even bother to even buy an egg as they know its pointless. That makes me feel sad tbh, poor kid. Use it to melt over a homemade cake or some buns maybe? I used to use the kids many excess eggs to do buns with them and decorate themselves, they never knew any different. We have a large indulgent family!

DH and I drink alcohol/drive/stay up late etc, doesn't mean DS is allowed to too.

Drinking and driving even in small amounts are harmful (not to mention illegal!) but chocolate is not harmful in small amounts.

I think it's pretty understandable for them to expect you to lighten up about easter eggs over time. Unless there is a medical reason for no chocolate?

You were rude, she was daft.

Seriously though what harm is a little bit of chocolate going to do? DS is 3 and has been given too many lots of easter eggs today. He has eaten a packet of maltesers and gone for fruit instead, it will last him months and we certainly didn't 'need' it but I would never be rude to someone giving him a present.

What will you do when he starts going to birthday parties and friends houses for tea if you are so precious over a chocolate egg which your in full control of when he eats?

Ps. My mil can say pretty controversial stuff about immigrants and conservative voters in particular but I bite my tongue tbh, some is her age and some is my love for dh. I certainly don't hold any such views. Can you relax a touch or at least bite your tongue?!