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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thought engagement parties were a thing of the past?

36 replies

Nirvana1999 · 30/03/2013 12:26

I've just received an invite to an engagement party at the end of April. I didn't realise people still done this? Infact I've never been to one before.

Also attaching a note saying no gifts but if we would like to donate something towards their wedding in July 2014 then it would be gratefully accepted. Not even in begging poem form :O

AIBU to think just fuck off? It will cost me a fortune to attend the actual wedding next year, I'm not getting involved in this "party of the century, that's cost nearly £1000" . That's a direct quote from FB btw...Hmm

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 30/03/2013 12:28

Yanbu and they are very bad mannered to ask for money towards their wedding and to say what the party costs. 1000. Is not a vast amount you will obviously be buying your own drinks

PuppyMonkey · 30/03/2013 12:30

I think you're right. I had a mate who got engaged twice and had parties both times - in neither case did she go on to actually marry the men involved. I only got her token orezzies, but still - I felt like asking for them back. Grin

Asking for cash towards the wedding is Hmm

PuppyMonkey · 30/03/2013 12:31

Prezzies

Gifts then autocorrect

EuroShaggleton · 30/03/2013 12:32

I didn't know they still happened either. I haven't been to one in about 20 years.

JenaiMorris · 30/03/2013 12:35

Wow. Not since about 1988. And I think that was the only one I've ever been to.

Asking for contributions AND boasting about spending £1000 on an engagement party is quite uniquely hilariously crap.

FarBetterNow · 30/03/2013 12:38

You could always not go to the party as you have a previous engagement!
(Well, I thought that was funny).

Mia4 · 30/03/2013 12:41

YANBU, they should not have asked for anything but your company if you were free and happy to go.

Engagement parties that I've been too have either been a) for very big (think 300+ people) for everyone to get to know each other or b) for weddings where a lot of one side of the family is from abroad and they're over for something else so again, it's a mingling thing.

All of them were down a pub and all had free bars, which was awesome and surprising. But most people don't have them. I know i was chuffed and surprised to receive cards when engaged, i just side-eyed people asking if i wanted gifts because i'd never heard of that for just engagements-weddings, yes, engagement, fuck no.

If anything take a card and/or a bottle of wine-don't give them cash, it's taking liberties.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 30/03/2013 12:42

Glad it's just not me then. I didn't have one, never crossed my mind.

puppymonkey never even thought of that. Anything could happen in over a years time to put a stop to the wedding and people are going to hand over hard earned cash. I won't be going anyway.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/03/2013 12:45

I didn't think that they were necessarily a thing of the past-just that some people/families do them & some don't!

(We're a don't family)

PainForLife · 30/03/2013 12:49

my family still does engagement parties but it's only for immediate family and very close friends. no1 is expected to bring any presents as it's traditional for the girls side to host the engagement (I.e feed people) and the boys side to bring the presents for the girl only. total cost of hosting is usually only about £100 as all the food is cooked at home & drinks served are only soft drinks.

in saying the above of course there are a lot of people that throw big & extravagant engagement parties (usually bcos the families involved want to show off to the rest of community how rich they are - it's an Asian thing) & then an even bigger & extravagant wedding - usually lasts for weeks. but never once have I been asked to contribute towards the actual wedding [bushock]

Acandlelitshadow · 30/03/2013 12:50

I had one but I am old Grin.

I didn't realise they'd gone the way of the dodo but if I didn't want to go or contribute I just wouldn't. I managed it plenty of times when they were de rigeur.

The financial own goal would amuse me though Grin

LadyWidmerpool · 30/03/2013 12:51

Of course they can have a party if they want one. Maybe it's the done thing in their families to give gifts. I don't think you should go to their wedding, it doesn't sound like you like them and they could invite someone who actually wants to celebrate with them.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 30/03/2013 13:01

I didn't say they can't have a party Ladywidmerpool. They are actually a family member and its not something that's been done in the family. However on the other hand as its been so long since all the family have been together I' ll see the positive in that :) I still won't be going to the party. I don't dislike said family member, I'll attend the wedding and be happy for her and her new husband.

I was just wondering others opinion on EP and asking for thoughts on giving cash to help pay for wedding.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 13:16

I had an engagement party 17 years ago (so I suppose technically it wad a thing of the past) and didn't expect gifts, but we got loads, so when a year later we got married, we told (individually) those who'd bought us engagement gifts not to dare buy us a weddding gift as well!

I think most people take a gift to most parties whatever they are, so really I have no issue with people asking for money instead, money is tight for a lot of people, money comes in more handy than a bespoke cheese board or lazy susan... it depends how it's requested and finding the right words without sounding grabby is pretty hard.

I told people, gifts aren't required really but if you do want to get us something our taste is odd so here's an online list of the sort of things we like... that was met with anger from some, gratitude from others. Some found it helpful, others thought it rude. Meh.

RatPants · 30/03/2013 13:18

I had an engagement party, was shocked when people bought us stuff though. The actual wedding wasn't for two years so we wanted to do something to mark the occasion I suppose.

Yoghurty · 30/03/2013 13:23

We had dozens of people asking if we were having an engagement party- we both looked Hmm and said no.

I've never been to one myself, or known anyone else to have had one.

Is it an American tradition? Like baby showers?

Asking for contributions to the wedding Confused

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 30/03/2013 13:23

If I was going I'd probably take a cheap bottle of champagne or something.

When we got married we said no gifts as we had been living together a while and had everything we needed. We received some love hits as well as money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 30/03/2013 13:24

Love hits = lovely gifts.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 30/03/2013 13:27

I haven't been to an engagement party in 30 years!

I don't know anyone who still has an 18th or 21st either. Not a family orientated one.

ParadiseChick · 30/03/2013 13:29

I had an engagement party ten years ago.

Any excuse for a party in my family and we knew it would be ages before the actual wedding (was 5 years before we got round to it!)

ParadiseChick · 30/03/2013 13:30

Also had an 18th and a 21st and am looking forward to my 30th party in a few weeks!

Bananapickle · 30/03/2013 13:36

I've had friends who have had engagement parties but they've always been low key affairs and just an opportunity for friends to get together and celebrate. They've never included presents either, most of us just got them cards. I didn't have an engagement party but people were kind enough to send cards.
YANBU to be off about them broadcasting the cost of the party or for asking for money for the wedding.
Asking for money always gets my back up but then that's probably me being unreasonable!

expatinscotland · 30/03/2013 13:39

'Also attaching a note saying no gifts but if we would like to donate something towards their wedding in July 2014 then it would be gratefully accepted. Not even in begging poem form :O

AIBU to think just fuck off?'

YANBU.

BooCanary · 30/03/2013 13:40

I've been to 3 engagement parties. Two of the couples split up before getting married. One couple married and divorced within the year!

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/03/2013 13:43

We had an engagement party. We just hired a room in a pub and did a buffet. Didn't ask for presents or anything. Our wedding is in 6 months so too early to tell if we can add ourselves too boocanary's unfortunate statistics.