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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my H to entertain his family and the DC for the weekend?

34 replies

hamandeggagain · 29/03/2013 07:47

Bit of background: At the moment I am a SAHM. I do all washing, tidying, food shopping, meal planning cooking. I do all child related care expect on Sat/Sun when he will do bathtime (not stories) and take one or both DC out to the park. He does a well paid job with long hours so I have swallowed this carving up of tasks fr the time being.

His family are due to descend today (parents staying over, sister and her DH and 3 kids will be visiting several times over the bank holiday weekend so will be having meals here, ditto his brother and his other half.) I have planned some meals with others to be taken care of over the weekend when the MIL invades my kitchen. He cannot cook and likes having the opportunity to catch up with siblings so I'll spend all weekend skivvying again.

H went out for drinks with friends last night. I specifically asked him not to get hammered and roll in in the early hours so he could help me with some house chores and small DIY jobs before the family descend. Guess what? 1.30am, the worse for wear and he's now sleeping it off whilst I look after the DC (age 3 and 1) again.

WIBU to pack a bag and leave for the weekend? Probably go to my parents. I've priced train tickets just haven't booked but need to make a decision soon.

OP posts:

NotMostPeople · 29/03/2013 07:50

Seems a bit extreme. I'd go and wake him now telling him that he agreed to help out this morning and he has to get up and get in with it. If he doesn't then think about going. I supposed I'm saying give hima chance and expect him to do more than he usually does. Surely he can peel spuds etc.

SugariceisaGoodEgg · 29/03/2013 07:53

He is certainly taking you for granted and needs a kick up the arse.

Not sure that I'd take off for the weekend just yet.

Does he make a habit of getting bladdered and not helping at the weekend?

NuhichNuhaymuh · 29/03/2013 07:56

It is s bit extreme. But Im guessing you are at cracking point, everyone needs a break.

Id suggest waking him up, saying he said he'd help as already suggested. Maybe go to your parents tomorrow instead rather than just disappearing off today

ladymariner · 29/03/2013 07:57

I wouldn't take off for the weekend, as much of an arse as I think your dh is for doing this. I'd kick his butt out of bed and then get this weekend over with . Then I'd be taking myself off somewhere nice with my friends next available opportunity and leaving him to it.

Montybojangles · 29/03/2013 08:02

Stick it out this weekend but make him get his arse into gear and then inform him you are going away next weekend to recover, and he's looking after the kids. I think he might need to do a couple of days childcare alone to realise what you are doing for your family.

CoraBear · 29/03/2013 08:02

Don't leave. If only fort he fact that you'll be painted as the bad guy to his family.

Send the kids up to jump on him, kick his arse out of bed and start giving orders. If things are getting a bit much over the weekend and you need a break, go upstairs to "put away some laundry". This is my phrase for when I want to be alone, no one offers to help put away laundry and you can drag it out for a good hour.

CoraBear · 29/03/2013 08:03

for the fact, not fort he fact. Damn kids climbing all over me.

diddl · 29/03/2013 08:05

Why can`t he cook?

Do your parents work?

If not, I'm thinking that you can in theory see them any time & your husband's time is limited.

"Catching up" does sound like an excuse to do fuck all, though.

I think I'd see them today & escape tomorrow if necessary?

fairylightsinthesnow · 29/03/2013 08:08

I agree. If you go this weekend you make him look bad to his family, and whilst he might deserve that, it's not going to help in the long term. OR more likely he will make something up that makes YOU look bad. Get him out of bed, get this weekend over with, then sit down and have a long chat. YOU work long hours too during the week so weekends should be 50/50 and he needs to be doing stories at bedtime as presumably he doesn't do them during the week? I can't imagine one of us sitting downstairs while the other put both of our to bed. If we are both there, we do one each. And I agree you need to clear off one weekend and give him an idea of what it is actually like.

Original poster

hamandeggagain · 29/03/2013 08:15

Thanks. I don't care what his family think. His sis is MILs favourite, her and her kids can do no wrong, she hasn't even sent me a birthday card for the last 2 years so I'm hardly liked by them anyway. I'm always being the 'bigger person' being kind and polite and ignoring my sh*tty treatment when I want to tell them and their snidey comments to Fk off. (H just accuses me of hating his family when I try to discuss this with him).

I can't take next weekend off instead as he goes away on business next Friday for a week. It will mean I have less cooking, washing, cleaning and tidying to do though.

(Sorry - didn't mean to dripfeed, with such a big OP I thought I'd put all the info in!)

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/03/2013 08:19

Tbh only you know if this is a reasonable thing to do.

If you feel this taken for granted, and need a break, and are ready (even inviting) the fallout that will come as a result.... Then go have a weekend at home

diddl · 29/03/2013 08:24

I don't really get why it makes him look bad tbh.

OP-would you be leaving the children for the rellies to see?

Seriously, if ILs aren't bothered about seeing OP-why the fuck does she need to be there?

For appearances??

Or because she's expected to do everything?

dollywobbles · 29/03/2013 08:29

Not the same, but recently - for the first time in about 15 years - I left DH to do all the sorting for his parents' visit. Normally, I'd run around the day before doing the cleaning and tidying - to show home standard, not just the normal 'acceptably tidy and clean' standard.
Then, when they arrived I'd normally do all the catering, making cups of tea, everything.
I don't know what changed this time. I just thought that maybe no one would notice if I took a backseat.
I don't know if my in-laws noticed. I know DH did because he did a bit of cleaning before the arrived (nothing major). But it was fine. No dramas, I just had a nice time.
I do recall my father in law commenting 'it's not as tidy in here as usual' when they visited once. DS was 18 months old and DH had been recovering from an op (bed rest for several weeks). Maybe that stuck in my mind. The ignorant bugger.
I think deciding to actually leave the house is quite a different thing though. I'd be inclined to sit it out, let them look after themselves. Maybe arrange to go and see some friends or something in the day?

thegreylady · 29/03/2013 08:30

I think you might find that the fallout exceeds the temporary pleasure. However, you should make sure that your dh does his share or it doesn't get done. If you ask him to do something and he doesn't his mum or sis may comment and you can say,"Oh dh I thought you had done that." I would also opt out of some of the outings and plead a headache or tummy upset so they can take the dc and you get a few hours peace.

goodfreyedaysusan · 29/03/2013 08:31

can you pime yourr mum to have an "emergency?" so if he does not help you have a get out?

o tell him that he is organising stuff for tomorrow. and let him make a hash of it by himself.

we would cease to exist when h met his family. his dad noticed though and that made it less annoying.

PurplePidjin · 29/03/2013 08:33

I wouldn't go for the weekend.

I would, however, give him till 9 then dump the kids on him and go out until 10 minutes after the visitors are due to arrive. Then come in to the house with a breezy "Oh, has dh not sorted it out? He promised me he would so i could have a few hours to myself - he tries so hard, doesn't he?"

But then I'm a cow like that...

diddl · 29/03/2013 08:33

Can't help thinking that if OP leaves him to do stuff his family will pick on her as she's a SAHM & he works!

I think it's compromise by getting him involved in doing stuff-or go away tbh!

mameulah · 29/03/2013 08:34

If you go away this weekend then you will be away with your mil invades your kitchen which I would imagine would be doubly annoying. Also, everyone will feel sorry for your dh and his Mum will go out of her way to look after him. You will end up in the middle of a fight where you are the bad guy and he will still not have to move his ass.

You need to start doing less. Show how much you are doing.

ChasedByBees · 29/03/2013 08:35

I'd probably give warning, so 'you didn't come home last night to help. You have x minutes to get out of bed and do y and z or I'm off for the weekend as I will not be treated like your skivy'.

Sounds like you need a serious chat with him.

QuickLookBusy · 29/03/2013 08:35

He is taking advantage of you and doesn't listen when you try to talk and tell him you are unhappy. He really is a twat.

I think I would go and tell him that you are thinking of going to your mums and why. I'd see what his reaction is. If he jumps out of bed promising to work his ass off this weekend, I'd stay.

If he doesn't understand where you're coming from, I'd just leave for the weekend telling him you need to have a serious talk when you get back.

diddl · 29/03/2013 08:35

Oh now that is a good idea Purple-as long as OP has somewhere to go!

I don't know him of course-but I hope he can manage to look after children & do other stuff as well?

Blatherskite · 29/03/2013 08:36

I was thinking the same diddl. I've tried that with DH and MIL before. "Oh, didn't DH do that, he said he would" I usually get snarled at about how it's not his job anyway as he works so hard. I even got told that once when he'd forgotten to pick up a birthday card in his lunch break while I was at home trying to care for two poorly children!

QuickLookBusy · 29/03/2013 08:39

And before you wake him, have a list of everything he needs to do each day, or for at least today. So if he does decide to do his bit, he knows exactly what is expected and he can't say "well I'm not sure what to do"

QuickLookBusy · 29/03/2013 08:41

No I wouldn't play silly games, "he said he'd do that" because if he doesn't do stuff it's the OP who will end up annoyed and having to do it.

Be grown up about this, he either agrees to pull his weight or she goes to her parents.

PurplePidjin · 29/03/2013 08:43

OP only needs to leave for a few hours so library, cinema, mooch round the shops, hairdresser (actually that might be best, looks like he promised time for a treat then fucked up), walk in the park etc :)

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