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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

321 replies

LookingForwardToMarch · 28/03/2013 15:58

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

  1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship
  1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!
  1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 28/03/2013 19:39

If the op had been about her wanting SD to stay over, there would have been shouts of "your not even her sm, just want to take mothers place,she is not your child...."
The minute any one posts about sc on AIBU the knifes are out!
op how does SD mother feel? What does DP say?

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:40

How often would you have been asked to look after a 10 year old stepdaughter? a couple of nights a month maybe?

I am sorry that you are having a hard time with a prem baby but it doesn't seem that you made an effort before this.

Phineyj · 28/03/2013 19:42

I am at loss to see why this is considered the OP's problem and not her DP's to sort out!

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:45

Because the child should be able to stay at her second home regardless.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 19:51

ClippedPhoenix most children don't get to stay at home regardless when their parents are working, they go to whatever childcare the parent has organised.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:54

If the other parent is there they do.

As stated up-thread, you take on someone with a child then you take on their children wholeheartedly as if they are your own, no if's or buts.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:55

or don't do it....

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 19:57

Nt necessarily clipped.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 28/03/2013 19:58

I'm in 2 minds about this tbh.

I'm a single Mum to 2 boys aged 8 and 6, ex lives with his pg gf who has dd 13, and ds 9. (they met in September, moved in together the next week, got pg in Nov)

When they moved in together, my ds' started sleeping over, I wasn't happy spot out as I thought it was too soon, but they seemed happy enough, which is my main concern! Then DS1 told me that Daddy goes to work when they're there. I was a bit unsure to start with, but then if I was living with some one, I'd probably leave them with the DC while I worked.

Then they stopped being able to go and stay, as the gf has had sickness with the pg, and 'didn't feel up to having them' now to me, that's not really an excuse, when I'm sick I still have them. They both (DS1 especially) now feel that her DC are more important than them :(

But OP, your situation is more than just sickness, and I don't know what to think!

Awomansworth · 28/03/2013 19:59

Not read the whole thread.

YABVU - If you decide to start a relationship with someone with children from another relationship, you do so accepting that said child/children will always be part of the family.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you and your dh separated and his new partner felt this way about your child!

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:59

child/children obviously.

I'm a huge advocate of children coming first. Break ups and second marriages are not the childs fault.

I feel that the child in this case is unsettled due to the "adults" making their own selfish choices.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 20:00

Op is not the child's mother but ancillary to the father, her father is her actual parent so of course she wants to send time with him not stepmum

seriouscakeeater · 28/03/2013 20:01

Step parents are HATED on here nothing you could possibly say could ever win OP
The only person you need to talk to is dp and SD. She might not even want to stay if her dad isn't there. What about taking her for lunch out do some girlie stuff then take to MIL later on till u both feel close enough for over night stays. I wouldn't have wanted my dd to stay with a sm they wasn't close enough.
Good luck with the new baby,course work and bf Flowers

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:02

But the OP isn't this child's parent. The way I see it is the DP has asked the OP to look after his child, she is unwell and has her own new born so doesn't feel able to do it at the minute.How is that unreasonable? Am I missing something? Surely it his responsibility to find childcare?

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 20:03

I am nt in op situation I am not a sm to any Chidren, bu I would n like to replace the mother but be li a friend sort of role. Of course step children should be allowed to stay whatever but I can also empathise with op situation

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:04

If I separated from my husband I would never expect his new partner to take care of my children, alone, especially when she is recovering from major surgery.

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 28/03/2013 20:04

I think you, your DH and your MIL need to get together and talk about how this arrangement is going to work. I cannot understand why this is between you and your MIL? Your DH is the girl's parent!

Can I gently point out that this was a bit of a silly time to find yourself unexpectedly adopting a puppy, no matter how cute it was?

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 20:05

What's with all this ancillary? children are children surely.

I split with my childs father when my DS was tiny and I'm soo glad that his choice of partner adored my son. I wasn't threatened by it at all. He had a mum away from mum. I can't thank her enough!

KayHunt · 28/03/2013 20:05

SD needs to be made to feel part of the family She probably is feeling a bit overwhelmed and worried that she may be loved less.

I personally would have her overnight- I say this as a step parent and mother (of refluxy, never sleeping babies).

If you feel you would struggle could you compromise and ask MIL to help with bedtime a little (take your LO so you can settle SD).

It is so important that SD is involved in your family as she is your family

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 20:06

The op is ancillary the girls father is her actual parent

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 20:12

So what piglet? She has chosen to take on a daughter as well as a partner in my eyes. But hey, I love children anyway, no matter who they belong to.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:15

ClippedPhoenix I think it's great that you, your ex and his partner all are able to collectively parent your son. He's a lucky little boy. However, from my experience and from reading these boards most women don't want Stepmothers to take on their children as their own. Most women are very clear on the fact that their children have 2 parents and stepparents are certainly not included in parenting decisions, rights or responsibilities.

drjohnsonscat · 28/03/2013 20:15

only read OP but if you have new baby / reflux /caesarean pain your DP should be finding ways to make life easier for you. It's his issue to sort out - if you have never looked after SD on her own until now, now is not the time for you to take that on.

Completely agree that SD comes first but DP needs to sort it, not you. In the long run you want to work towards a situation where you are totally at ease with this but not 5 weeks after birth.

seriouscakeeater · 28/03/2013 20:18

bruthas couldn't have put it better myself .

eslteacher · 28/03/2013 20:18

That's great Clipped, but I don't think it's the only model for successful stepfamilies.

I haven't taken my DSS 'on as my own', but we have a nice relationship and everyone in both families gets on well. I don't think DSS wants or needs me to be a second mother to him, I feel much more like an aunt or something.

Admittedly I haven't had any children of my own yet, I think it will be a challenge to get things right if/when that happens. As OP is trying to do at the moment.