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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

321 replies

LookingForwardToMarch · 28/03/2013 15:58

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

  1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship
  1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!
  1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

OP posts:
Donnadoon · 28/03/2013 18:45

No just your boyfriends Confused

acceptableinthe80s · 28/03/2013 18:46

Isn't the whole point of contact with a NRP just that, contact with NRP? If the father isn't there what exactly is the point of the SD staying over? Fair enough if she already spent x nights a week at her fathers and he just happens to be working one night but that doesn't appear to be the case here. I don't actually think it's very fair to expect a new mum to have a step child overnight when the father isn't around and she has a poorly newborn.

PearlyWhites · 28/03/2013 18:47

Sorry but yes yabu she is your dh daughter just the same as your baby and should have the same rights to sleep in his house. She is a little girl who needs to feel secure and loved not " in the way"

OhChristHasRisenFENTON · 28/03/2013 18:48

Okay - I can see two sides to this, - I can see that OP is having a hard time with work load, new baby etc and to suddenly be expected to look after her stepdaughter alone,... but

Once officially 'with' a partner who had children, with enough to have a child together I would not be surprised that responsibility shifted from grandmother to myself.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 18:48

The dad is working night shift isn't he? But that's besides the point. As stated above when you take on a partner with a child you taken on the whole lot. That should be the childs home now just as much as the one with her mother. If the child wanted to stay with me rather than anyone else I'd be bloody honoured to be honest.

mynewpassion · 28/03/2013 18:50

It's his contact night. Should nrps only have the children when they are available? He's an equal parent. It's his contact night. He either doesn't go to work or find other arrangements. His mother can't won't have his daughter overnight that night.

Dad should be a parent and find a solution

mynewpassion · 28/03/2013 18:55

Seems to me op and her DH takes it for granted that the mil would always have DSD when dh works overnight. She doesn't want to do it all the time anymore.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 18:57

So what if its "his" contact night. They are married and that to me means they are equal parents to both children. If dad can't get the shift off (being Easter) then of course the other should step in a say a big yes. Even let's say the dad is shirking his responsibilites then I'd still have the child regardless. It just wouldn't be an issue or need compromise. We are talking about a little girl here.

ArtVandelay · 28/03/2013 18:58

I haven't read the whole thread but on viewing your Op I think it will be okay. She'll be good help with the puppy if nothing else and I think it will bring you closer.

I have had my steps alone with me and a new baby and I don't speak their language too well so I understand feeling a bit awkward! It could be the start of something great so just give it a try! Good luck x

Hissy · 28/03/2013 19:03

Oh FFS, have people started to actually read the thread yet?

OP has prem baby, with reflux, 5 weeks ago and Isa struggling with CS infection iirc.

The SD is old enough to say that she'd prefer - on the nights when her dad isn't there - to stay with her gran.

She's said this.

The SD does stay at OP home when her dad's there.

The SD is old enough to have all the stuff explained, and to be reassured and understand it all.

what I want to know is why laughing boy DP is allowing his ex to make threats to the OP, his own mother scream/shout abuse at the OP, and what's more doesn't get his own DD's birthday/Christmas gifts. He doesn't sound much of a man at all.

Why is he not solving this situation?, why is he getting to spectate all this while people trear into the mother of his youngest child? Why is he not taking charge by talking to his DD, and his mother about the fact that this time's a rain check, but that plans will be made for the next time.

He sounds wet, weak and a bit of a prat.

Dadthelion · 28/03/2013 19:05

To help the daughter be accepted in the family, she should move in with the stepmum and her dad full time.

And the mum can be the non resident parent.

This would be less confusing for the puppy as well.
I notice no one is concerned about the puppy's feelings.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:08

Regardless of what the man is doing whether he's an arse or not, she picked him. If I took on another child they would be welcome whenever. Not just when it suited me.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 19:12

Not everyone is like you clipped sounds likeop is struggling right now. Would you say thatclipped if you had a poorly premature mother, new mum struggling to cope with an infected section.

mynewpassion · 28/03/2013 19:13

DSD prefers to stay at her grandmother. However, this time grandmother can't accommodate her wishes. Op and her DH will just have to figure something else. Maybe they can hire a night nanny for dsd

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 19:13

Meant baby not mother

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:14

The child is 10 piglet not 2 or 3.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:18

If i were 10 and my stepmum said i couldn't stay i wouldn't like her very much to be honest.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 19:19

I know but op said she is quite hard work and very hyper so needs a lot of input

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 19:21

Have you read hissy thread dsd only want to stay if dads around which is not surprising as he is her parent.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:24

No wonder she's rather unsettled, the poor girl. Doesn't sound like she has such a good life with any of them wanting to pass her off.

How sad is that?

maddening · 28/03/2013 19:25

Can you ask mil to come round as well and have a " girly " night all three of you plus baby? Maybe have a chance of trying it out with mil there to deal with sd?

ArtVandelay · 28/03/2013 19:25

Ok Hissy! Then if the girl wants to stay with Granma then she should. Sounds like Granma is trying to pass the buck.

mynewpassion · 28/03/2013 19:26

Op should ask her mother to come and stay over for a couple days if her DH can't take time off work

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:27

She probably only wants to stay if dads around due to knowing the OP doesn't want too much involvement.

Children know these things, they have an inbuilt sense of it.

My ex had kids that would rather be with me than anyone. I was honoured and am still in touch with them.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 19:33

How long have you been with your husband OP?

I'm guessing a few years?