To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

Major overreactions, the op is not saying she does no want dsd to stay at all and does not want her round , just not this moment in time. You lot should take your own advice and try a little empathy. The op is a first time mum (you all kno ho hard that is), her lo was premature and is not too well right now and she has college work. Sd sounds like a handful, not all 10 year olds are easy and compliant . Mabey you could do part of the holiday or have her stay fr a few days or a week. Two weeks sounds like a long time to be away from mum, I know that I would not like dd away from me fr 2 weeks

Smudging I am fast learning that fact haha

As usual on AIBU OP you received the default, knee-jerk flaming from some posters here.

My son, at 10, wasn't one of those children who routinely helped around the house of his own volition, but at times he really could (and can) step up to the plate. Your stepdaughter is not a little girl really any more and I'm quite sure that she would actually enjoy being a help rather than a hindrance.

She's plenty old enough to sort you out with a drink and a sarnie whilst you BF, to wash up, perhaps even cook dinner (ds cooked steak and chips for his friends at sleepovers at that age).

In essence, rather than think that you'll have to run around after her, think of how much she'll enjoy being treated as a mature, contributing member of your family.

Goodness he even went to bed without a fuss when I was poorly

Would she not be of help to you? At 10 I would think she would want to help a lot with the baby and you could get her to help around the house for some pocket money?

My dd1 is almost 10 and is a massive help around the house (when she wants to be ). DSD was 10 when dd1 was born and she was brilliant, wanted to change her nappy, feed her (she was bottlefed), held her so I could eat/shower/have a rest. She lived with us though so I'm not sure if that made the transition a lot easier.

Sorry Piglet but you can't do the "just not at this time" in my book.

It's a bad habit that you have gotten into. Never having DSD on your own has created a "thing" now.

You need to stop this...asap. I DO get that with a brand new baby and work to do, this time is not the best but you need to change the way DSD is treated by you as soon as possible.

She is 10. What kind of "Looking after" does she need? Watch TV with her, chat to her, feed her and make sure she gets to bed on time after washing / doing teeth. She should do everything for herself, really, and might even be a help. She can watch the baby while you do some work or whatever. At 10 she is old enough to understand your needs and the baby's needs. You, however, don't seem to care very much about HER needs.

Well not all 10 year olds are like that when I was 10 I was very immature for my age and would be very hyper and hard work. Nowadays would I wash up or help, developmentally I was mre like a 6 year old. The dsd sounds lik she des need a lot of supervision and input

Compromise clipped, have dsd for part of the holiday

In the circumstances, you are not being unreasonable. You certainly don't deserve all the crap your getting. Congratulations on your new baby btw.

This longstanding arrangement with your mil isn't going to work this time. You and your DH has to make other arrangements. Either your DH doesn't go to work or get other babysitting in place.

That's what parents do

I presume tat dsd wants to see her dad and spend time with him not just step mum, mabey he could try and get some leave

It's not fair that dsd would be in the gp house with her sternum and baby, the dad should step up and make some time for his dd, nobody is criticising him

I still don't understand why you can't have her for one overnight - you need to break the habit of thinking she is optional and another thing i your list that you can't cope with,
Suck it up.
Start putting the children's interests first. Get your partner to speak to her mum. Involve your sd in your life, and like another poster said, the domesticity of it - the baby crying in the night, you complaining you get no sleep, deciding what to watch on tv, complaining about the pile of ironing, who is doing the dishes etc.

Having a stepchild is not about idealized weekends and visits, baking cookies and then shipping back to grandmas.

Jeez....I feel so sorry for the little girl. YABVU

Meant step mum doh

Good idea! Problem solved. Dh takes parental leave. That's what parents do.

The child is not something to be compromised over surely. If the child wanted to stay with me with or without the father. The door would be permanently open to her. I wouldn't give a stuff what the MIL said. In fact she wouldn't be able to say anything then would she.

Clipped what about te dad why don't you get into the dads case. Yes when I had my first I was a wreck, pnd, in a parallel universe, house a mess bf going badly, colicky baby, i would have been pushed over te edge having to look after another child alone. The op partner should make time GeForce his dd nobody blaming him

Reading back some of te posts here some people are really awful

You may not WANT to change the arrangement, OP, but it sounds like you don't have an awful lot of choice in the matter! What are you suggesting - that you should be able to force your MIL to provide accomodation whether she likes it or not?

She said no. So SD stays with you. That's it really

At 10 I would no fucking way have helped looked after a baby. I might have got you a cup of tea or made you a sarnie, but I wouldn't have cooked you dinner.

I would have sat quietly with a book or watched TV tho.

If I was SD I would much rather go off to grans for a night of undivided attention than be made to help look after a baby with a stressed step mother.

WTF is all this '10 year old girls love babies'
Nice bit of gender stereotyping there!

These threads are always so full of bull shit. Damned if you do (try and be her mum) and dammed if you don't.

I can see next weeks AIBU: "XH left my daughter with his girlfriend when he wasn't there and I don't know her. She could have gone to her grans. XH's woman has just had a new baby and made DD watch the baby while she was doing college work and then DD had to make her own dinner"

Hi

Had a skim through your posts. I was thinking perhaps mil reckonised the damage the ex has done to the relationship with sd and was trying to help rebuild it but perhaps not if she is be passive aggressive.

My friend is in similar position and is really struggling with her new baby and finds having sd very daunting as she just isnt used to it.

How about a compromise? Let sd stay for night if dad on night shift but ask if mil could take her in the morning as you are struggling with the baby.

Sorry but why exactly don't these step mums get used to their step kids before having a child themselves then?

Are we supposed to trial run other people's children before being allowed any of our own now?

Fuck me, I did NOT get that memo.