To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship
   

1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!
   

1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's
   

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

I don't think there's anything wrong with her going off to see her gran and her cousins.

I just don't think it should happen every single time her dad works overnight and be automatically timed to tally with that because it sends the wrong message.

[VanitasVanitatum]

It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable, but it might be worth trying it just this once, even though it is difficult timing. You will need to show your sd at some point that her mum is not right in the things she has said about you. Whilst she has said she wants to stay at her grandma's, that may be because of the things she has been told about you, so some time with you and her and the baby may be a good thing to clear the air, show her she is loved by you, although I'm sure you do show her that.

Obviously it's not ideal with your project work, but maybe dh could take her out sometime to give you some space to do your work.

I used to love spending time with my sd's by myself, establishing our relationship, we did a lot of crafts etc, or snuggled up with a girly film and popcorn.

[ApocalypseThen]

I think though, OP, you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim of the mother and now the granny. You're a grownup. The one who is suffering here is your stepdaughter.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

I have enjoyed making cookies with her etc

I will be asking her if next time she wants to stay with me and go to nans one night when her dad isnt at work.

On the other hand I have Mil on the phone calling me the scum of the earth.

(she has a habit of downing sherry and being vile)

[BruthasTortoise]

I thought the MN consensus was that parents do the parenting and step parents back off? Your husband should reorganise his shifts so that he is there when his daughter is or he should reorganise his contact so that it falls on the times he's not working. Nothing to do with you OP , you parent your child, his daughter's parents should parent her.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

OP you are not a horrible person at all. I hope whatever the outcome you have a good night with as little stress as possible!

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Thankyou

[EggyFucker]

Are you drip feeding, dude?

You originally said MIL was "cool" with you

Now she is calling you scum of the earth

Which is it ?

[2rebecca]

If MIL has a habit of downing sherry and being vile then I definitely think you should have stepdaughter. Often the more time you spend with kids the more comfortable they are with you as well.
I appreciate you are tired but I'd say yes and have her, it's not like she's a hyperactive toddler, by 10 they can usually entertain themselves quite a bit and sleep better.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Sorry but at no point have I said mil is cool with me 'dude'

[PeachActiviaMinge]

If your MIL spends her time getting drunk and being abusive then you need to be having your SD and not letting her care for her for SD's safety.

[FrauMoose]

There's a lot of talk about Disney Dads. I am just wondering if there is such a thing a Disney stepmum. I think this what I had anticipated being at first. (Being a stepmother would be such fun. We'd go sledging and make pancakes!) However occasions like the first time that my partner was unavoidably delayed at work, so I had to oversee baths, read stories, get kids ready for bed meant I became less of a Disney stepmum. The second time, when I had to change wet bedding after a daytime 'accident' involving a ill child, Disney stepmum just vanished for good.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Oh she doesnt get drunk all the time

she can just be a mean old bag lady when she does

Didnt get anywhere on the phone with her so just hung up until she is sober. Dp said she will remember all the nice things I do for sd in the morning and apologise

( I doubt it)

[KindleMum]

YANBU. She isn't your child and you don't actually get the "right" to treat her as yours and likewise you don't have the same responsibilities. And as you bond with her you will doubtless get hurt at points because your DH and his ex will pull out the "it's nothing to do with you, she's not your child" card. It happens to the best of step-parents. And essentially your relationship with her would cease if you and her dad split up. I have friends who often have sole care of their stepkids because their dads seem to think they can just disappear on contact weekends and it's a nightmare - the real mum often objects and causes problems and encourages the child to break rules/disobey etc. It mainly seems to result in 3 grumpy adults and one grumpy child. Is the child's mother actually Ok with you having her daughter overnight without the dad?

I'd question the MIL's motives. It sounds like she has an issue with the amount of childcare she's providing and instead of discussing it rationally with her son, she's decided to take it out on you. Or possibly that she's deliberately trying to make things difficult for you at the moment for whatever reason (does she think you fussed too much over prem delivery, or prefer his ex-wife or blame you for something else? Didn't want you to have a child?). If she is really being so rude to you about this, that is entirely unreasonable. Why is she doing this right now?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to focus on your own needs and those of your baby. It doesn't sound like you plan to exclude your SD in the longer term, that would be wrong. Good luck to you in resolving this and dealing with your MIL.

[EggyFucker]

My mistake..you said MIL was snotty with you

Which is a bit different to calling you scum of the earth, no ?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Im not sure MIL has always been a bit passive aggressive with me but it does seem to have stepped up a notch since the pregnancy

And hell no sd's mum would freak if she knew I would be having sd by myself

As ive said before she hates me for some.unknown reason. She has sent threatening messages on facebook etc.

P.s I have never met her and came on the scene years after her and dp had split.

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

I actually can't decide if YABU or not. I definitely don't think you deserve any sort of flaming, although the details you've added in subsequent posts would have been more useful in the OP. Drip-feeding isn't well received in here.

So... your baby dd was born 5 weeks early; you've been home from hospital for 2 weeks and are still suffering with an infected c-section wound. I think that affords you the right to dictate what you feel you can and can't cope with, regardless of who else thinks they would manage the same situation better/differently.

Your MIL sounds like a PITA to be honest. Her timing is more than a little -worthy.

[EggyFucker]

All these women in this man's life hating each other

And what is this girl's father doing about all this bad feeling?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Sorry didn't mean to drip feed.

I was trying to keep the length down on the op ( all the details would require me going on for pages!)

[ClippedPhoenix]

OP if you take on a partner with kids already you take all that goes with it. That means your stepdaughter too. I feel sorry for the little mite. What if god forbid something happened to her mother and your SD had to move in with you full time?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Dp actually was going to intervene on this one and I asked him not to.

Mil has a history of really upsetting/emotionally blackmailing dp which I put a stop to.

Mil has been passive aggressive for ages and feel its time to confront her and get it out in the open ( not in op as didnt think it relevant)

[LookingForwardToMarch]

If sd lived with us full time there would be no problem as she would have settled in and realised her mum was not being truthful about me by now.

[scarlettsmummy2]

I think you should have her. You are going to create a rod for your own back if you don't as it sends a very negative message.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Does it send a negative message if sd has been asked if she wants and says no?

I can assure you she recieves no hostility from me. The opposite infact i am sure she is sick of me making an over the top effort.

The question was never whether i was pushing sd out of the family.

It was aibu for not wanting to suddenly change a long standing arrangement at a very bad time and asking to just take a rain check on it once.