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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with dh

154 replies

uptherear · 28/03/2013 09:05

Dh works p/t half through previous unfortunate circumstances but half because he prefers it.
He enjoys his job and has less stresses than before.
Of course we are skint but I am a good budgeter!
So we cant afford treats but i bake to give dcs a treat for school break and occasional budget a 6 pack of crisps as these are dds favourite treat.

I used to have to hide them or dh would scoff them despite my saying these are for the dc. But recently we have had discussions and I expressed my frustration at having to go to the troubke of hiding treats. He should know as I do that we can only afford these as a little occasional treat for the dc. My treat is that I get to be a sahm, his treat is doing a piss easy job he loves p/t the kids miss out on stuff we could once afford so I like to get them a little treat for school snack every once in a while. They get fed up with scones/muffins/flapjacks that i have made.

Dh scoffed the last pavk of crisps that was in the basket for her snack today. Dh claims he ate them because only 1pack so thought it'd be ok. We have 2 school age dc and one preschool. Ds prefers a biccy as a treat so had one aside for him and crisps for dd who ended up in tears going to school with a biccy that she isnt fussed about.
Fed up wiyh everyone everyone making sacrifices and dh helpjng jimself to whatever he fancies :-(
So pissed off. Am i an unreasonable control freak?!

OP posts:
Original poster
uptherear · 29/03/2013 22:30

Well apparently being a sahm means I am not setting a good example to my children and that I 'don't want to work'.

OP posts:
larahusky · 29/03/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobyan · 29/03/2013 22:42

Get a job, buy lots of crisps or just stop moaning.

I don't think anyone has been rude to you on this thread, you asked a question and you got answers, you don't have to like them.

TrollFoot · 29/03/2013 22:42

Your dh ate some crisps - you have created a mountain from a molehill.

pigletpower · 30/03/2013 02:40

Your husband must be on a bloody good p/t time wage if you don't qualify for Tax Credits.Does he drive to work or take the train? either way if you can afford to take out travel expenses and still be left with something you must have a lot more money to budget with than poverty line money.Anyways, your husband is indeed a selfish cunt who needs the line to his oxygen mask severed.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 30/03/2013 05:15

It was you who set the scene,OP, and created a pity party in your first post, making it sound like you hadn't money because you dh refused to work more hours and you didn't have money for treats.

Then at the end we read that he's on the same money as before, and there are treats such as horse riding but you work favours to pay for them, and suddenly it's not the problem it was in the first post.

So the thread should have read "I told my husband that the crisps were for my dc and he still ate them..."

If you drip feed information don't be surprised if you don't get the response you want.

Original poster
uptherear · 30/03/2013 07:33

oh ffs.

The op did say DH knew crisps were for the dc. I used to have to hide them despite my saying they were for the dc

Also I did not say he is still on the same money as before. I said the choice of jobs after redundancy was either a) an unskilled job that any monkey could do full time or b) a job in his field for the same money as a but p/t hours.

Not drip feeding. Just every clown chose to home in on the fact that we have chosen to survive on one p/t wage. We are not lazy arse scroungers who have never worked and are claiming benefits left right and centre. We are two intelligent adults who having worked full time for years have now decided time with the dc is more important than any financial gain.

I was simply pissed off that dh ate the pack of crisps that I had said were for dc snack. The last pack, no shop nearby to replace them and I had said 'dont eat the crisps (6 pack) they are for the dc snacks'.
I set a budget for food shop which does not include endless crap. He knows that. This was the problem.

I will refrain from posting in aibu as I forgot the kind of posters it attracts. Thanks to the few who were actually able to look past the fact that dh works p/t and my being a sahm and see my op for what it was- a moan about dh eating dds crisps.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 30/03/2013 07:40

I don't get why your husband isn't just as entitled to eat the things he's paying for as your DD is.

RedHelenB · 30/03/2013 08:16

I do agree with Toby - out of a pack of 6 1 for your dh doesn't seem unreasonable!!

Original poster
uptherear · 30/03/2013 08:51

It is simple really- I asked him not to eat the crisps, they were for the dc's school snacks. He was working in town that day where he could easily buy another pack. Myself and dc are a 45 min drive from the supermarket leaving dd without the crisps she had been promised.

Thanks to the person who suggested packing snack in bag night before. I will do this.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 30/03/2013 08:54

He could easily buy another pack of crisps? I thought you couldn't afford treats and his was to work part time? What about the budget?!

Gingerandcocoa · 30/03/2013 08:54

No one here is saying that being a SAHM is a problem or even a luxury. You were complaining that your husband works PT and that you were a SAHM and that as a result you couldn't treat your children.

Now you don't like the responses and says that you do make enough money and treat your children a lot!

So now given the reframing of the problem, let me rephrase my response, I think YABU because it's just a pack of crisps!

orangeandlemons · 30/03/2013 09:09

My childhood was like this. No money for treats. I ended up with an eating disorder because goodies were so rationed. I think it is a miserable way to live when there is no money for fun stuff. One of you could do some sort of employment for one day a week.

ChasedByBees · 30/03/2013 09:45

I really don't get all the unwarranted advice about the income and lifestyle - it wasn't asked for or needed. As for people saying you can't raise a family on a part time wage, that's ridiculous. If you have a FTE salary of 70K and go part time, you'd still have more money than a lot of families.

The point is OP's husband is being a selfish arse. So is the husband of the Other poster who stirred the honey into the yogurt. Those things would make me feel so cross, it's just the total disregard for anyone else. They're taking something that they could easily get seperately for themselves but for the person who they're taking it from, it's irreplaceable. Just nasty thoughtless behaviour.

dreamingofsun · 30/03/2013 10:28

chasedbybees - people are talking about income because a small increase would solve this issue.

Original poster
uptherear · 30/03/2013 10:32

Chasedbybees happy to welcome someone who has their full quota of intelligence to the thread.

For those who are still missing the point. The crisps were for dd not dh. The point was he left her without. The other information was to set the scene- I don't buy lots and lots of unhealthy snacks because we have decided to live on less money and this is part of budgeting- the money goes on fresh fruit, veg etc. The second thing is we live 45 mins from town where if dh wants to buy a packet of crisps he can do so. Dh being selfish was the problem.

orangeandlemons I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder but it bears no relevance to this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptherear · 30/03/2013 10:35

dreamingoffun if I had a few more pennies I would buy strawberries instead of apples. Not more crisps.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 30/03/2013 10:38

If DH can buy crisps if he wants to, then there is money for more crisps and you could buy a bigger multipack. Then he wouldn't need to eat DD's crisps because there'd be a packet with his name on.

It seems a bit odd that he's allowed crisps if he buys them himself but any crisps lying around the house are absolutely not for him.

I understand that you had allocated these particular crisps to your DD in your head, but he hadn't. If there is money for more crisps then I can see why he didn't think this was a particularly dire situation.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/03/2013 10:40

uptherear - if your DH has the money to buy more crisps, then why don't you? He's eaten the last pack, so go and buy some more.

I actually do think it boils down to income. Because if you had more of it then you wouldn't need to be arguing over one bag of crisps.
Choosing to live somewhere miles away from where there is work, with commuting costs thrown into the margin is utterly ridiculous. I would be very surprised if your DCs don't resent you in a few years time because they have had to live such a frugal lifestyle through your choices.

Astelia · 30/03/2013 10:46

I think orangeandlemons is making the point that money being so tight/you being so controlling that there aren't crisps/treats for everyone can lead to long term problems. It is an interesting (and sad) perspective.

BooCanary · 30/03/2013 10:46

Op - not sure why you would need to 'ship your dcs off to childcare' in order to get a job. You have 4 free days when your DH could be providing the childcare.

Also not sure why it is only the ops dh who has the responsibility for earning.

And lastly, not sure if you are bu about the crisps. Guess it depends on whether your dh has eaten some crisps already and then eaten the dcs crisps, or whether he is not allowed crisps in the first place.

TobyLerone · 30/03/2013 11:02

It's ok, everyone. We're only disagreeing with the OP because we're thick. Glad we got that sorted out.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/03/2013 11:15

The one thing that jumps out at me here is that you stated yourself that you're skint but that you don't get tax credits. That means even on a part time income your DH must be earning a fair amount - as you have three kids, according to this he must be bringing in at least £40k to get no tax credits whatsoever. If he's earning less than this, I'd recommend reapplying.

With regard to the crisps, could you buy two multipacks or a larger multipack, and put some in a cupboard just for the kids? Drop down a brand and they'll be cheaper - buy value ones if need be. To be honest if I had a partner who 'banned' me from eating crisps from my own cupboard I'd be mightily pissed off.

Whoknowswhocares · 30/03/2013 11:32

Ah yes, we are thick because we have a different viewpoint.
OP, as you have later acknowledged, the first few of your posts painted a picture of abject poverty, self inflicted by 'choice'. Your words, not anybody else's.
If you are as intelligent as you claim, then you will understand people will make their comments with that in mind as its all we have to go on. If you choose to drip feed other stuff in later, there will be many who see that as track covering and view it with suspicion.
Rather than make shouty accusations after the event and tarring everyone as thick and unreasonable,you might be better off phrasing your comments with a bit more thought at the start and painting an accurate and succinct OP!
That way I'm sure you will get us all agreeing like sheep which is, it seems, what you wanted

noblegiraffe · 30/03/2013 11:52

Have you told your DH your treat theory and that he's not allowed crisps because he gets to go to work?

I'm picturing DH in the kitchen spying a bag of crisps.
'maybe they're for the DC's lunch, no, can't be, there's only one bag left, so I might as well have it'
(he said he thought it was ok as there was only one bag, he didn't know it was for your DD and DS was having something else)

You come in screaming.
'why don't you buy more crisps?' he asks
'There's no money for more crisps!!!'
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pound. 'here you go, or I could pick some up in town tomorrow?'
'No! You're not allowed crisps!!'
'Why not?'
'because you get to go to work!!'
'Eh?'
'And I get to not go to work and the DCs get crisps and flapjacks and swimming and horseriding and after school clubs'
'that seems fair'

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