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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with dh

154 replies

uptherear · 28/03/2013 09:05

Dh works p/t half through previous unfortunate circumstances but half because he prefers it.
He enjoys his job and has less stresses than before.
Of course we are skint but I am a good budgeter!
So we cant afford treats but i bake to give dcs a treat for school break and occasional budget a 6 pack of crisps as these are dds favourite treat.

I used to have to hide them or dh would scoff them despite my saying these are for the dc. But recently we have had discussions and I expressed my frustration at having to go to the troubke of hiding treats. He should know as I do that we can only afford these as a little occasional treat for the dc. My treat is that I get to be a sahm, his treat is doing a piss easy job he loves p/t the kids miss out on stuff we could once afford so I like to get them a little treat for school snack every once in a while. They get fed up with scones/muffins/flapjacks that i have made.

Dh scoffed the last pavk of crisps that was in the basket for her snack today. Dh claims he ate them because only 1pack so thought it'd be ok. We have 2 school age dc and one preschool. Ds prefers a biccy as a treat so had one aside for him and crisps for dd who ended up in tears going to school with a biccy that she isnt fussed about.
Fed up wiyh everyone everyone making sacrifices and dh helpjng jimself to whatever he fancies :-(
So pissed off. Am i an unreasonable control freak?!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 28/03/2013 09:32

Sorry but I don't think he is being overly unreasonable - i know i'm going against the grain here but he didn't think 1 packet was specifically meant for the children. And if he's earning the money why can't he have a pack!!!

auforfoulkesake · 28/03/2013 09:33

but you said it was a personal choice?

GadaboutTheGreat · 28/03/2013 09:34

Your 'treat' is to be a SAHM?

badtasteflump · 28/03/2013 09:34

Sorry but it just seems there is not enough money to go around if a six pack of crisps is such a big deal - they cost maybe a quid a throw?

So since you're asking (and it's AIBU), I think one or both of you need to start thinking more of your family's needs and less of your personal desires to not spend time working. I can't think of anyone I know who would be able to live a comfortable lifestyle on one partner working PT and the other not at all - if it was that simple we'd all be doing it

Seems a bit of a waste of your years of Uni Education TBH.

Original poster

uptherear · 28/03/2013 09:37

Its not an ideal situation. The jobs are just not there. We are stuck where we are because of house situation. We have no family nearby to help with childcare and no way we could afford to pay childcare in holidays for 3 children. Tbh i would rather they went without snacks and had me there for them each day. Dc are happy in general but not when DH scoffs their treats. Last week Dd had an easter egg in fridge that she was making last having a little bit each day. One day she just found crumbs because Dh had been helping himself. She was gutted.
Dh can buy himself a pack of crisps or a six pack to keep at work. I dont mind him having a treat. I do mind him taking food from the dc.

The lack of moneh i can manage. Jis selfishness i cannot.

OP posts:

flossy101 · 28/03/2013 09:38

If one packet of crisps is such a big deal I think I would be looking at changing the family circs.

If your DH works part time can you not work on the days he has off?

badtasteflump · 28/03/2013 09:40

Then you need to tell him that if he wants to eat whatever he fancies, he has the find the means to pay for extra food!

You say that it's not ideal and that the jobs are not there - maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick then... I was replying from the POV that this was a lifestyle choice, not that your H is trying to get a FT job but can't....

DiscoDonkey · 28/03/2013 09:40

If your dh is only pt then i don't see why you can't find work to fit around his hours, evenings, weekends?

PollyEthelEileen · 28/03/2013 09:42

How about making longer gaps between treats, so that everyone can have a packet of crisps at the same time?

There's something wrong about food being earmarked for individual family members and not shared by all (unless someone is on a special diet).

Sharing food together is a fundamental part of family life.

takeaway2 · 28/03/2013 09:43

I would definitely look to up the hours or you to work as well. You said yourself that it's a luxury for you to be a sahm. Clearly it's not when you're bickering over a pack of crisps!!!

You can take on work that allows you to work from home, at night or during those 2.5hrs a day...? Editing work? Surveys on the net? Etc? Transcribing? It sounds like you're wasting your years of work experience and uni education tbh.

nailak · 28/03/2013 09:43

She doesn't wan to work, I,doubt people telling her to will make her want to.

Op what are your husbands hours. What does he do on his days off? Why do you keep talking about childcare? There have been many jobs staying at home mentioned, plus your dh is home two days? Have you thought about volunteering? What are you both doing to increase employability?

Original poster

uptherear · 28/03/2013 09:43

Jobs are just not there. We live in a tiny little place.
With any job that comes up so far there is a difficulty. Dh works tue/wed/thu 150 miles away. Believe me I have looked. I even applied for a job cleaning compost toilets but didnt get it anyway. Its often who you know here.

OP posts:

gallifrey · 28/03/2013 09:44

Sorry but a 12 pack of smart price crisps from Asda cost 67p, what sort of crisps are you buying for this to be such a massive issue?

auforfoulkesake · 28/03/2013 09:44

he ate her easter egg.
he is selfish and I think you need to Have Words

nailak · 28/03/2013 09:44

I don't see how using your education to raise your kids is a waste

DeepRedBetty · 28/03/2013 09:52

Lots of us have had to scrabble around to find a part time job that fits with school/children etc.

For a start if you were round here I could offer an hour's work every term time lunch time weekday to walk dogs. Even at minimum wage that's several bags of crisps.

Three shops and two pubs have signs out looking for staff.

And I'm about to advertise for a cleaner two hours a week.

Or if you don't fancy getting your hands dirty, I know the office two doors down are looking for an occasional proof reader.

DeepRedBetty · 28/03/2013 09:55

I do agree that it takes a while to get to know people and a lot of jobs don't get advertised. I plead guilty, six of my staff are people I already knew, four of them I approached and asked if they wanted to do it, the other two approached me, but I already knew them, and only one was a stranger who approached me. She is however one of the best!

ivanapoo · 28/03/2013 10:09

Can you not use your nursery hours for a full day or two instead of 2.5 hours every day?

That was you could work 3 days a week for example

But as pp has said you clearly don't want to work so...

Maybe you should stop buying crisps and treats full stop. Sounds like they cause more trouble than they're worth.

Poppet48 · 28/03/2013 10:15

Your DH works 150 miles away 3 days a week? Surely travel costs are eating there way into your DH's wages?

I'm sorry but I agree with other posters, This situation is not fair for your DC's. Either your DH should go to work full time or you should find a job to help with your financial situation.

Fighting over a packet of crisps is not a healthy lifestyle for anyone.

Merrylegs · 28/03/2013 10:26

Ok. Leaving aside the 'it's only 10p for a packet of crisps' argument. Have a labelled tupperware snack box for each of your dc. Put the chosen snack in there the night before and close lid. Put snack box in book bag. It is easy to snaffle a pack of crisps from a basket or a biscuit from a tin without really thinking. So make it less easy. Or at least give him a visual reminder.

DiscoDonkey · 28/03/2013 10:28

Your dc's are learning that yours and your dh's wants and needs come before theirs. It's pretty shitty behaviour to eat a kids chocolate that they have rationed because they know treats are so rare. I know you don't agree with his behaviour but if he isn't willing to gain some self control then he or you need to step up so that their is more money in the pot.

NatashaBee · 28/03/2013 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badtasteflump · 28/03/2013 10:42

Have just read the thread properly and am that your H pinched your DCs Easter Egg! He's an arsehole.

dreamingbohemian · 28/03/2013 10:45

I hear what you're saying OP -- you have lots of time to give your DC and that's more important than material things.

But, we're not talking about material things like ipods and ski trips and designer clothes. We're talking about cheap snacks. I don't think it's healthy for anyone to be holding these up as rare treats, something that has to be savoured over days and guarded carefully or else Dad will eat them.

It's actually normal human psychology to want little treats. Even in really poor countries where people live on a dollar a day, they still forgo necessities sometimes to have treats.

I do think your DH is behaving very badly, and I understand why you are upset, but I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Half a job between two adults is not really sustainable. You have four days a week when your DH doesn't work. Even a few hours of random work here and there could make a big difference.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 28/03/2013 10:46

I'm sorry but I think it shouldn't be a lifestyle choice that your husband can just choose to work part time in an easy low paid job and you can choose to be a SAHM when you have no money! Presumably you are relying on the state to provide top ups. Tax credits aren't there to allow someone to just pootle along doing a part time job because they can't be bothered to work more hours. Could you not get a part time job to fit in with your husband's hours? Evenings? Weekends?

We'd all love to work part time in an easy job that we 'love' but it's not always possible. Sometimes needs must.

And it can't be nice for your children to always have to go without, no matter how much you justify it, it just isn't fair on them.

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