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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with dh

154 replies

uptherear · 28/03/2013 09:05

Dh works p/t half through previous unfortunate circumstances but half because he prefers it.
He enjoys his job and has less stresses than before.
Of course we are skint but I am a good budgeter!
So we cant afford treats but i bake to give dcs a treat for school break and occasional budget a 6 pack of crisps as these are dds favourite treat.

I used to have to hide them or dh would scoff them despite my saying these are for the dc. But recently we have had discussions and I expressed my frustration at having to go to the troubke of hiding treats. He should know as I do that we can only afford these as a little occasional treat for the dc. My treat is that I get to be a sahm, his treat is doing a piss easy job he loves p/t the kids miss out on stuff we could once afford so I like to get them a little treat for school snack every once in a while. They get fed up with scones/muffins/flapjacks that i have made.

Dh scoffed the last pavk of crisps that was in the basket for her snack today. Dh claims he ate them because only 1pack so thought it'd be ok. We have 2 school age dc and one preschool. Ds prefers a biccy as a treat so had one aside for him and crisps for dd who ended up in tears going to school with a biccy that she isnt fussed about.
Fed up wiyh everyone everyone making sacrifices and dh helpjng jimself to whatever he fancies :-(
So pissed off. Am i an unreasonable control freak?!

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 29/03/2013 01:51

Your situation sounds completely untenable. I think you both need to reassess your priorities.

AllOverIt · 29/03/2013 02:02

Your partner is a selfish arse. Who behaves like that?

lottiegarbanzo · 29/03/2013 03:49

I only just saw the bit about the Easter egg. There's no room for confusion there. He's not even putting his wants first with something that could go to anyone. He simply has no empathy or regard for their feelings.

I'd find that really upsetting and would be very angry and actually lose all respect for him over that.

Alligatorpie · 29/03/2013 05:00

It sounds like a tough situation. Hope you get your counselling appt soon, maybe it will make him see how selfish he is.

HildaOgden · 29/03/2013 05:18

You do realise the crisps argument is just a red herring,don't you? What you're really pissed off about runs deeper than that.For both of you.

You're pissed off at his selfishness.He is pissed off at being controlled financially (although I understand why the budgetting is so tight when one part-time wage is supporting 5 people).

You are both angry at the situation you're in,and deep down I think you are both blaming each other for it (on a sub-conscious level).He is passively-aggressively taking what he feels entitled to.

Go to that Relate appointment,you need it.

dreamingbohemian · 29/03/2013 08:36

I think Hilda's nailed it actually.

MummytoKatie · 29/03/2013 10:01

The problem is that he's not just adjusting his oxygen mask first - he's adjusting the oxygen mask, finishing his dinner and reading the in flight magazine!

And I third what Hilda says.

givemeaclue · 29/03/2013 12:00

Op is also adjusting own oxygen mask first by choosing not to work as her "treat" when money is so tight and dh is able to do childcare for half the week so no childcare issues or costs in working on those days

PollyEthelEileen · 29/03/2013 13:38

I will hold my hand up and admit I have pinched my DCs' sweets, occasionally.

I don't think that it is that shocking that the DH has taken some of his DD's Easter egg. I am more shocked that she has an Easter egg before Easter, tbh.

I don't really get this hoarding of food. Food, in a family, should be shared. Attributing ownership of food is very unhealthy, IMO.

PollyEthelEileen · 29/03/2013 14:22

I will add...

Grazing is something that men do. They are always aware they are doing it. When my adult DSs are home, the first thing they do is open the fridge. If I call them on it later on, they have no recollection.

I went to Costco the other week and bought a tray of Danish pastries to take into work (as a treat). I told everyone of my intentions, but a few hours later DH helped himself. All the females in the household respected my wishes. DH was just thoughtless - nothing more, nothing less. He meant nothing bad by it, and was sorry that I took an opened package into work.

Given the obesity and alcohol epidemics in this country, a sizeable proportion of Brits do not have exacting levels of self-control.

On another recent thread here (about having to be weighed and charged extra for airline seat), a mums netter said that she was obese because she had no control over her appetite control. Sympathy all round.

Dahlen · 29/03/2013 14:23

Polly, I think most of us have done that at some time, but context is important - I bet your DC either have so much they wouldn't have noticed, or you were able to replace it the next day or something. The OP's context sounds more akin to someone stealing Charlie's Wonka bar on the day of his birthday - the only one he gets all year.

Also, edible gifted treats are not the same as food designed for daily nutrition IMO.

Dahlen · 29/03/2013 14:25

Seriously?

Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2013 14:27

I don't think the husband committed a terrible crime, my husband/other relatives often look in the cupboard and if they see a packet of crisps, eat it! This is surely normal, you don't have packets of crisps in a family with people's names on, and why can't he have a packet anyway?

I think Hilda is right, there's a lot of resentment all round about the lack of resources, and this needs an airing.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 29/03/2013 14:48

I think it's all just really weird tbh.

OP's husband choosing to only work part time. OP tip toeing round him and also refusing to look for work herself. Hoarding/strict rationing of food. Obsessive budgetting.

Really weird

OhLori · 29/03/2013 14:55

I often eat treats originally meant for my son, then I have to go out and buy them again

PollyEthelEileen · 29/03/2013 16:12

I don't think it sounds like a once a year treat at all. It sounds to me as if there are multiple treats per weak.

Perhaps I am clouded by the lack of self-control (by mother/father/child) of the chocolate egg.

We don't do personal (edible ) treats in my household. I really can't think of an example. If we have a box of chocolates for GCSE results, it will be shared by all. I have bought on Easter egg for everyone to share on Sunday.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/03/2013 19:07

So, when he takes things that were earmarked for one of the DC - does he apologise to them? Especially eating his daughter's Easter egg, I'd have ABSOLUTELY INSISTED on a full apology to her, in front of me, and a promise to her that he wouldn't do it again. Because I reckon he somehow sees it as just between you and him, and maybe apologising to his CHILD will embarrass him enough to make him think twice next time (or maybe not - he could be that selfish).

"He always says 'adjust your own oxygen mask first'. In his eyes he is more important. Thats what pisses me off."
What the fuck does that even mean?

Gingerandcocoa · 29/03/2013 19:16

My treat is that I get to be a sahm, his treat is doing a piss easy job he loves p/t the kids miss out on stuff we could once afford

I hope this was just a very poor choice of words on your part. Not working is not a treat. Many, many people work not because they want to, but because they are responsible and want to provide for their children. I think that if you're having to budget for packs of crisps (that cost what, 50p each?), then you need to reassess what kind of values you're teaching your children.

TrollFoot · 29/03/2013 19:40

Your husband ate some crisps - THEN END. Yes you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

uptherear · 29/03/2013 21:31

Honestly the absolute half wits on here astound me.

minieggsjumpedinmybasket you are just rude. I hope you are a less judgemental bitchy person in real life or you will be very lonely.

The 'treat' of being a sahm parent is that it is a luxury. I made the choice to give up my career and wage to be there for my dc. I have a very full and busy week running my children all over the bloody country to swimming, horse-riding, brownies, scouts and more. Half these things i either help at, contribute to time wise or work at voluntarily in exchange for lessons (i muck out a few horses in exchange for a lesson for my dd).

The 'treats' they miss out on are things like Innocent smoothies/mini Jaffa cakes/Sweet over priced crap aimed at kids.
Previously bought when not budgeting. My kids eat probably a healthier diet now. They do not suffer in the slightest and have the luxury of a mothers love 24/7 whenever they need me. This is a treat for me to provide this to my dc but means a frugal lifestyle.
We are not claiming benefits apart from child benefit. As i said already we used our hard earned savings to pay off a huge chunk of our mortgage to enable dh to work p/t. But this came about through necessity- the choice was - work all week in a job he was over qualified for or half the week earning the same in his chosen field for the same money. It doesnt take a genius really.

This thread has totally shocked me. My issue was with dh being selfish and putting himself first. The packet of crisps was just the thing that had pissed me off that day. There are things like this often which piss me off no end.
However the replies about how lazy and selfish etc we both were astound me. Talk about jumping to conclusions. Being a sahm is the hardest job i have ever done but I intend to raise my dc not ship them out to childminders/nursery for the sake of a bit of extra cash. We have plenty of lovely days spending next to nothing. Nothing is more important than the time you give your kids. I might not be able to splash money around but my kids dont miss out on anything important. I see them as quite priviledged. They go to great school, have lots of friends, spend time at lots of after school activities and are lucky to live in a beautiful place where they can play outside, where we can spend a day at the river throwing stones in the water, trying to skim stones. This is where memories come from. Not whats in your bloody lunch box.

The money was not the issue. But next time i need to vent about dh i will ring a friend.

OP posts:

AllYoursBabooshka · 29/03/2013 21:55

If this is the poster that I am thinking of the can I ask why you left out the part about that lady having a medical condition that caused this problem Polly? It had nothing to do with "self control". She has a disability.

Pretty nasty to use her to prove whatever point you are trying to make actually and twist what she said to boot.

Mandy21 · 29/03/2013 21:58

OP, I just think you could've worded some of your posts a bit better to be honest, thats why people have been a bit judgmental. But you've just said that life is not about whats in your lunchbox, and thats what started the whole post - the fact that your DDs lunchbox wouldn't include the stolen packet of crisps ??

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 29/03/2013 22:04

uptherear I've been nothing of the sort. Clearly you didn't want any honest opinions. I stand by everything I have said on this thread.

I find it hard to believe you don't get any tax credits either....

Original poster

uptherear · 29/03/2013 22:11

minieggs i stand by what I said too, you are just rude for the sake of being rude.

Not sure why you 'can't believe we are not getting tax credits'. Well you'll just have to take my word for it. We don't.

OP posts:

pixiegumboot · 29/03/2013 22:14

err hello? the OP does work. 24hrs a day. she is a SAHM or is that not work? (have not read whole thread apols if been raised previously)

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