Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with constant arguing from my 5 year old?

32 replies

CheerfulYank · 27/03/2013 19:45

DS (will be 6 in July) argues all. The. Bloody. Time. I seriously want to scream.

It started this morning, as I stumbled bleary eyed down the stairs and tried to pee in peace.

He wandered in the bathroom, dropped some Lego on the floor, and left. I called for him to pick them up. He started in with "but these go in here because" and I said no, they don't, they are toys and don't belong in the bathroom.

He kept saying "but..." And "why?!" Ugghh! So that was a fun start to the day.

It's been like that all day now. Just constant backtalk. "Can I have this?" (About an empty Starbucks bottle destined for the recycling bin. Normally I wouldn't care, but his rubbish collection is taking over the house a bit at this point and until I give it a good cull, he cannot add to it. Or my brain will explode.)

He just would not let it go. On and on with "please? Well, just the cap? Why not just the cap? Please? But..." Arrrggggghhhh!

And just now, sending him outside so I don't shout at him so he can get some fresh air, he faffed about taking the longest possible time to get ready. I said "please hurry DS, it shouldn't take 20 minutes to get your coat on." He replied immediately, "sure it should!"

It doesn't work to tell him I'm not going to discuss it. It doesn't work to walk away. It doesn't work to ignore him.

And I'm 32 weeks pregnant and tired AF and can't even DRINK to take the edge off.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 27/03/2013 19:46

I am Not-So-Cheerful-Yank right now. Angry

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/03/2013 19:48

I'd just keep repeating 'no'. Not engage at all. Or 'coat' or whatever is the relevant word.

girliefriend · 27/03/2013 19:53

Oh bless you, I have been there my dd went through a phase where she would argue black was white. It drove me round the twist.

Not sure what the answer is I am afraid but now she is 7yo she has suddenly become much more reasonable most of the time

The book 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' offers a lot of good advice.

DiscoDonkey · 27/03/2013 19:58

Ds1 is an argumentative sod, honestly I feel like I'm always getting ratty with him even though he is very well behaved and doesn't do naughty things. But by Christ the boy can argue for England.

Chottie · 27/03/2013 19:59

I would say to him, DS we are going out now and will be leaving in 10 minutes sharp. So quickly, put your shoes and coat on now. Say it in a firm, no nonsense tone of voice.

Then say, I am getting ready too, I bet I can put my coat and shoes on and get ready before you.

This always used to work with my DS, - good luck.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 27/03/2013 19:59

Ok. I know I should.

It's hard too because my brother is a deeply unpleasant and argumentative person and always has been. He and my mother fought terribly all the time we were growing up. He needs to be "right" at any cost. He will not respect it if you say "I'd rather not talk about this" and when we were kids he would follow my mom, arguing, if she tried to leave the room.

I don't want to project that on my DS, but it's so hard because I really fear having that type of relationship with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 27/03/2013 20:06

Disco DS is the same! He isn't really "naughty", and other people (teachers, etc) think he's an angel. But it's just sooo constant and exhausting. Sad

OP posts:
buildingmycorestrength · 27/03/2013 20:14

I use 123 Magic to stop the nonsense arguing. Basically, 1 warning, 2 warnings, time out/privilege removed.

This kind of backchat is just too tiring and it is all attention seeking. By ending it you are happier and can give positive attention more easily. Disciplining for this does NOT lead to more arguing and tension, it leads to less, and a calmer mum and kid.

The book and DVD are great, I find them so helpful.

eslteacher · 27/03/2013 20:14

Oh god, I feel for you. I don't even have any children, only DSS every other weekend. Who most of the time I get on with well and really like having around. But at 5/6 he went through SUCH a self-righteous, always-had-to-have-the-last-word phase, it drove me crazy. And I only had this every other weekend!

He's almost 8 now, and I'd say he's a lot better.

So I have no parenting advice, except maybe the old 'this too will pass' mantra...

thebody · 27/03/2013 20:21

They can't argue if you don't so make your point and if he keeps on just tell him that's the way it is and maintain silence. Pick up your book/ phone or turn on radio or tv.

Warn then ignore.

readyforno2 · 27/03/2013 20:22

I have no advice, but I could have written your op. The only real difference is that my ds is 6 in May.
Watching with interest and sharing your pain.

Lueji · 27/03/2013 20:24

It's to prepare you for the teenage years. :o

CoffeeChocolateWine · 27/03/2013 20:30

Another fan of 1, 2, 3 Magic here. Use it for whining, backchat, any kind of rudeness, cheek or intimidation...

So with the Lego example, you ask DS to pick it up...
DS: But these go in here because...
You: That's 1 DS. Pick up the Lego.
DS: But why?
You: That's 2 DS. Lego.

If he still doesn't do it it's time out/naughty step/some other appropriate consequence. I've been doing it with DS (4 and a half) for 6 months and he really doesn't bother arguing most of the time anymore...as soon as I start with the 1, 2, 3 he usually huffs and gives up before I get to 2. Sometimes he pushes it but I very rarely get to 3. It's a good (and quite entertaining) book.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 27/03/2013 20:31

It's just so wearying.

I will try the 123 thing. I'll try anything!

It's hard because as a child I was expected to shut up when told and I really resented not being allowed to express my opinion. I don't want that for him, I'm not trying to raise a robot.

But there is a difference between that and this pointless arguing and back chat, I know! I just seem to have trouble drawing the line. I feel like if I say "I've already explained and now we're not talking about it anymore" he should respect that. Before I scream the house down!

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 27/03/2013 20:32

worked for us too

fishandlilacs · 27/03/2013 20:39

I hear ya, my dd is 5 too and driving me mental with back talk. Reward charts help when it starts to get out of hand with her. Also she usually does it when she just wants quality time with me-I do a bit of love bombing with her if it's getting too bad. We'll have a couple of hours playing lego, or doing arty stuff, he choice of acitivy and my undivided attention, I know it's tough to get it that way but it is so important to them even though coloring in or whatever is mind fumblingly boring for an adult it really helps her general attitude.

Enfyshedd · 27/03/2013 20:40

One of my friends had a DD a month younger than DSS2 (both due to be 7 this summer). Last year, we were constantly on the phone having the "is yours doing this?" conversation. Arguing & lying were the main subject matters - We decided it's something they all do at 5-6 years old.

Enfyshedd · 27/03/2013 20:41

had? friend has a DD!!!

DiscoDonkey · 27/03/2013 22:17

Oh cheerful are you me? I grew knowing better than to argue or give an unwanted opinion to my parents and I too struggle with wanting ds to shut up and do as he's asked but at the same time want him to be confident and able to express himself. gah! parenting!

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 27/03/2013 22:21

My Dd2 has just turned 5 and still cries as her fall back emotion Envy bugs me senseless! DD2, please pick up your doll/book/game and put it away...

DD2 WAAAAHHHHHHHHH Angry

Grrrrrrr Hmm

buildingmycorestrength · 27/03/2013 22:25

I also really, really struggled with these issues. Ended up in parenting classes (ace) and then watched 123 Magic DVD with hubby, and paused it every few minutes to say ,"But won't this squash his soul?" or "Aren't we being horrible if we expect him to ...?" or whatever.

Really, I get it. I do. But watch the DVD and see what your think. It is actually funny and enjoyable.

parakeet · 27/03/2013 22:30

I also use 1, 2, 3, but in a slightly different way. I just say, in increasingly stern tones one...two...THREE! And they know to stop the backchat/dithering/faffing/arguing and just get on and do it. If not, I get cross. It really works.

larks35 · 27/03/2013 22:32

OP this sums my DS up! "He isn't really "naughty", and other people (teachers, etc) think he's an angel. But it's just sooo constant and exhausting"

My DS is 4 and is like this most of the time, it gets worse closer to bedtime. He just never stops talking throughout the day and generally I converse with him but every now and then I just want the constant verbal battering chatter to just stop!

No advice really, just sympathy. I do find that if I spend more quality time with DS then he annoys me less but that isn't easy now as I also have DD 11mo. On the up side they do both entertain each other for 20mins or so every now and then and I get to switch off for a bit.

ElectricSheep · 27/03/2013 22:36

YANBU OP, I remember this phase well.

So, if you are going to try 123, what are your sanctions going to be?

Need to get them lined up so that you are absolutely confident and rock solid in your response (you will need to be as this behaviour is now established and will take up to 6 weeks to break and replace with a new habit).

So what's precious to DS? What will matter to him if he loses it?

Loulybelle · 27/03/2013 22:39

My DD is 6 in August, and i swear she could be a frigging lawyer or politician, she argues with me, but i've learnt to tune her out now, if i dont wanna listen then i wont, and think she knows that now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread