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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn my back on my dd if she goes back to this man?

90 replies

kaylasmum · 27/03/2013 17:44

My 28yo dd has not long come out of a 3 year relationship with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. He treated her badly through the relationship. He grows/deals weed, takes cocaine and is a complete bully

She eventually say him for what he is. She told me that he made her feel bad about how she looks, pressured her sexually and also raped her analy. Ita very likely that he was unfaithful to her numerous Times.

She also told me that she found underage porn on his computer, girls aged 13/14. Since they split he has been awful towards her. She says she misses him, i'm terrified she'll go back to him. I don't know what he's capable of. I told her if she does then i'll disown her. I've always supported her but i don't think i can anymore. She has a 6yo ds and i don't want this animal anywhere near him.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 17:46

Please don't disown her.

I don't know what else to advise you just now, but don't do that.

I would be tempted to report both of them to Social Services, however. Perhaps that kind of shock (if she does go back) is what she needs. Certainly, your grandchild needs protecting....and if she can't or won't do it, then someone has to.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, it must just be really fucking horrible

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 27/03/2013 17:47

I understand that you don't want her to go back to him but what will turning your back on her do to help her?

nokidshere · 27/03/2013 17:48

Whilst I don't think you should turn your back on your child I do think that this man needs reporting to the police given his abusive behaviour and close proximity to your 6 year old grand-daughter.

Mabelface · 27/03/2013 17:49

Don't disown her. However, if he's got images of sexual abuse on children on his computer, a call to the police is most definitely inline. If he gets locked up, your daughter gets the chance to break free. Social services do also need to be called.

CloudsAndTrees · 27/03/2013 17:49

YABU. All you will achieve is what he wants. For her to be isolated and even more dependant on him.

If she goes back to him and you worry about the child, call social services. Do not disown your daughter for becoming a victim.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 17:50

Actually, yes

I would report him to the police regardless of her going back to him or not, if you are sure about the underage porn

Original poster
kaylasmum · 27/03/2013 17:51

I think i'm just hoping that if i say that to her she'll not go back. I have a lot of stress with my adult dcs, i also have 2 small dcs and this is affecting my mental health.

OP posts:
somewhereaclockisticking · 27/03/2013 17:51

ditto to calling the police about the child porn on his computer. That will (hopefully) get him out of your dd's life for a while. By then she may have met someone else and moved on and there's no reason she needs to know it was you who reported him.

Lottapianos · 27/03/2013 17:51

She needs you OP, needs you desperately. I understand your concern for her and her son but you really cannot force her hand here. I was in a violent relationship myself and it's honestly not as easy to leave as it looks. I'm really sorry you are all going through this but this man has no doubt been shredding her self esteem and making her feel worthless. She needs to know she has someone who she can turn to.

thebody · 27/03/2013 17:51

Tell her you are going to the police about the underage porn, and I hope you do this as its s serious crime which you are both aware of.

Then tell her that its highly likely that if she goes back to him then if social services arnt involved then you will contact them as you are concerned about the welfare of you grandson.

She's 28! He's 6! He needs protecting from your sad and feckless daughter and this nasty bastard.

Focus on his welfare and you will know what you have to do.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 17:53

never threaten what you are not willing to follow through with

expatinscotland · 27/03/2013 17:53

I would report him to the police and SS asap. I mean, now. That child needs to be removed from her if she cannot get away from this man.

expatinscotland · 27/03/2013 17:54

I wouldn't tell her I was telling the police? Why the hell should you? She's an adult.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/03/2013 17:55

She needs help. Can you persuade her to have counselling? To really understand why she feels the way she feels? Some confidence building, etc?

Please don't threaten to disown her. She needs your love and support. Making her feel even more alone may well make her more likely to go back to him, not less.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/03/2013 17:59

I think issuing an ultimatum would be a very bad idea. What if she chooses him? It's an empty threat, although I can understand your despair :(. Please contact the police about the child porn, they're pictures of children being abused.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 27/03/2013 18:00

I think i'm just hoping that if i say that to her she'll not go back

It won't. It may even have the opposite effect.

thebody · 27/03/2013 18:00

Agree with not turning your back on her but the MOST important person in this is the child not the adults.

Agree expat totally.

ChunkyEasterChick · 27/03/2013 18:01

Please don't disown her. That's what he wants.

Please listen to the other posts here & get outside support to prevent her returning to this awful relationship.

fieldfare · 27/03/2013 18:01

Why on earth would you threaten your daughter with that at the time when she needs you most?!
A call to the police about the images on his pc might be more helpful.

Whitershadeofpale · 27/03/2013 18:05

I would report him to the police but DO NOT tell her first. She's likely to tip him off first out of a misguided sense of loyalty and he'll then have a chance to delete the evidence or get rid of his computer before the police can investigate.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/03/2013 18:08

As others say go to the police without forewarning her. Do it now.

Hattifattner · 27/03/2013 18:08

your grandson has been living with an abusive bully who deals drugs and likes kiddie porn.

And you havent called the police and SS yet? WHy not?

Your priority must be your GS. Your DD may not be able to break away, but dont allow him to stay in that environment

expatinscotland · 27/03/2013 18:11

What Hatti said. You can't persuade her to do anything. She is 28. But that child's safety is paramount! DON'T threaten! Just ring the police now.

SatsukiKusukabe · 27/03/2013 18:13

agree that you should do your daughter a favor and do what she is currently to weak to do. report this man to the police

Lucyellensmum95 · 27/03/2013 18:14

Ring the police, 101 non emergency number, they will advise - let that fucker gets what coming to him.