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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to turn my back on my dd if she goes back to this man?

90 replies

kaylasmum · 27/03/2013 17:44

My 28yo dd has not long come out of a 3 year relationship with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. He treated her badly through the relationship. He grows/deals weed, takes cocaine and is a complete bully

She eventually say him for what he is. She told me that he made her feel bad about how she looks, pressured her sexually and also raped her analy. Ita very likely that he was unfaithful to her numerous Times.

She also told me that she found underage porn on his computer, girls aged 13/14. Since they split he has been awful towards her. She says she misses him, i'm terrified she'll go back to him. I don't know what he's capable of. I told her if she does then i'll disown her. I've always supported her but i don't think i can anymore. She has a 6yo ds and i don't want this animal anywhere near him.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 18:16

I agree you need to put your grandson first, not your daughter and not even yourself. Your six year old grandson is in a very vulnerable position.

Contact the police re: the child porn. I would also contact social services, although I imagine the police involvement would automatically trigger a social services visit anyway given the accusation? But I would contact them regardless.

I would also tell your daughter you love her and she has your complete support in building a new life away from her abusive ex. Disowning her will help no one, but I think you know that. I would see if she would consider counselling to help herself deal with what's happened and help build her confidence.

Did he isolate her from her friends? Does she have a job? Could she take some classes/hobbies to help her build a life away from her twatty ex?

juneau · 27/03/2013 18:23

Your grandson has been living with an abusive bully who deals drugs and likes kiddie porn?

This ^

Please inform the police/SS. Your duty here is to protect your family - your DD is the victim of a controlling bully - please do what you can.

thekidsrule · 27/03/2013 18:44

op i think it may be wotrh YOU contacting Womens Aid

they will be somebody for you to discuss your worries

fab website and you can also call them

explain everything you and your daughter need professional help on this one

good luck and i hope your daughter dosent go back,she has been mentaly abused etc and that has a massive impact on her thoughts and actions

please please contact them for all your sakes

thekidsrule · 27/03/2013 18:47

womens aid will give you the right advice

sadly these relationships are all to common and they really are the experts on this

CoolaSchmoola · 27/03/2013 19:01

Please don't issue that ultimatum - due to the nature of his abuse it is more likely to send her straight back into his clutches.

If you say that it makes 'No one else will ever want you. No one else loves you - even your Mum doesn't want you around. I'm all you've got' believable to her.

She needs to believe that you love her no matter what.

You say he is manipulative, but so is issuing ultimatums. I appreciate it is for her benefit (although he probably says that about things he manipulates her to do too) but emotionally blackmailing a person to bend them to your will is never acceptable, whether it's you or him doing it.

It's still manipulation and control no matter what your motives.

She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what, that someone loves her that much, so that she can see she does matter. It'll help her see she's worth more.

I'd be ringing the Police re the child porn though.

WilsonFrickett · 27/03/2013 19:01

What about the underage 'porn'? (It's not porn, it's child abuse, by the way.) I would suggest you have a duty to try and protect/help those 13/14 yo girls on his computer. They're actual children who are being abused, you know? So that means you and your daughter know a man who is directly involved in child abuse and you've chosen not to inform the police.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/03/2013 19:17

You have to report him for the underage pictures, it's child abuse. Think of your grandson.

Please don't disown her, she needs you and so does her DS.

Maggie111 · 27/03/2013 19:20

Report the 'porn' and cannabis to the police. Immediately.

ZZZenAgain · 27/03/2013 19:22

how can she be missing him? Good grief.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/03/2013 19:48

Don't tell her about reporting him. Don't give him the chance to delete anything.

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 21:35

You're absolutely right wilson, I take my comment back; it's photos of child abuse pure and simple.

Have you decided what you're going to do OP?

Buddhagirl · 27/03/2013 21:43

I echo the others, go to the police, don't tell her, don't disown her. She needs her Mum. Ring women's aid.

Hissy · 27/03/2013 21:44

I spent 10 years with a man who abused me. I was 43 and my son was 6.

My mum turned her back on me when I got out, my sister put the boot in, and my dad found ways to make the abuse my fault.

I'll never forgive them.

Would you like their number? You sound like you'd be their kind of person.

Never, ever turn your back on your child. Be there for her, provide the soft place to fall, and show her the truth. Get advice, get her help.

Buddhagirl · 27/03/2013 21:47

I was also in an abusive relationship, my Dad told me I must have enjoyed being raped, my mum said she would kill herself if I went to the police and then they threw me out and changed the locks. I've also never forgiven them. She. Needs. You.

MarinaIvy · 27/03/2013 21:54

It seems flippant, but I really don't mean it as such: send her over here, esp to the Relationships section. Give her a copy of that Lundy Bancroft book.

And YY to the police and Social Services and WA being involved.

marriedinwhiteagain · 27/03/2013 22:04

She's your daughter and her ds is your grandson. If you give an ultimatum you will cause a rift and if she goes back to him it will be harder for her to come home again and "home" with you is where she needs to be able to go.

It's really hard to admit you're wrong when those around you are telling you you're wrong. I'm not an expert but I think I know that much. You must keep your door open.

I think you sound a lovely, caring mum btw and I'm sure your dd knows that; for all of that she has had the confidence knocked out of her so much that she thinks this git is what she deserves.

My mum was never very empathetic and I know I have never pleased her but I have also always known that if any man ever hurt me or if every I was on my uppers I could go home, the door would be open and I would be welcome, albeit rucked and tutted at.

HorryIsUpduffed · 27/03/2013 22:08

I wonder if she told you about the images precisely because she doesn't feel able to report it but trusts that you would?

FreudiansSlipper · 27/03/2013 22:08

please do not turn your back on her

You are in such an awful situation but she needs to feel loved and that she will have that support when she does leave

The freedom programme is a very good programme for helping woman get out of abusive relationships

AdoraBell · 27/03/2013 22:20

You're angry OP, I can relate to that. I was angry when I was in an abusive relationship, and also when my sister went back to her abuser 10 years after getting away from him. Our parents lack of support growing up caused her to view this person giving her attention as some kind of saviour. I was mostly angry because when she went back she was exposing her young DC. I felt like beating some sense into her myself tbh. But I couldn't turn my back on them, even when I thought he would target me. If you love and value someone you don't leave them to their fate.

Report the child porn, it's a criminal offence for a reason, as is the cannibas, and find a way to make your daughter understand and believe that she is loved and cherished by you. Because I can guarantee that he has made her feel unloved by everyone and worthless. Contact women's aid, they will likely be able to advise you what to say to her and what not to say, but don't ever turn her away.

thezebrawearspurple · 27/03/2013 22:47

The only important person here is your vulnerable young grandson, he has no control over his environment and if his mother insists on exposing him to this violent man again somebody needs to step in and protect him. Report this man to the police and social services and warn your daughter that she will likely lose her son if she chooses this man again as you will inform the authorities.

She is an adult and chooses her relationships, there is no excuse for her to knowingly inflict a violent pervert on her innocent child. She needs to understand that if she does go back to him, she is choosing to expose her child to abuse and terror. That will make her a child abuser. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, if she can't do that she should find someone who can.

Stay in her life to make sure your grandson is safe. Once he is, the rest of her life is hers to ruin if she wishes, you can't control self destructive adults, only she can save herself. If she doesn't care enough to do it for her kid, she's not the one deserving of sympathy.

WilsonFrickett · 28/03/2013 00:10

No zebra. The young women who are being abused for his pleasure are also important. Very, very important. They are someone's child too. And again, it is child abuse and child rape, not child porn. I know it's only language, but language is important. thanks for acknowledging that stuntgirl.

Op havr you phoned the police about your daughter's child-abusing xp yet?

midastouch · 28/03/2013 00:17

I understand that you're concerned for your DD and her DD but please dont disown her! I know from personal experience it will break her heart, and probably yours, and enable him to be more controlling as she'lll feek she has nobody else. She needs you. I agree with ringing the police but not telling her.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 28/03/2013 02:15

Hissy - i have always supported my dcs, my 26yo ds has mental health issues, self harming, suicide attempts, addiction to prescribed drugs among other things. My 21 yo dd is in a relationship with an alcoholic and has had 4 years of hell with him. My 28yo , who this thread is about has done lots of things i disagree with, including taking drugs, i've always been there for them. I take offence that you've likened me to your family who've obviously let you down badly.
I know i should'nt have told her i'd disown her but at the time i was upset and angry.

I actually had my dgs in my care for over a year as my dd could'nt cope with him he's been back home a couple of years now and she is doing well.

I have told my dd endlessly how much I Love her and am proud of her, tried my hardest to make her feel good about herself her ex totally broke her down and she ended up with no self worth at all.

As far as the sickening images on his computer is concerned, I only just found out, and when I told her to report him she said that if she did he would break her windows, i told her i woul report him and i'd tell him it was me but she begged me not to.

He is'nt anywhere near my dgs atm and i have told my dd that if she goes back to him then i will contact ss.

I have apologised to my dd for telling her that i'd disown her and told her that i'd always be there for her.

OP posts:

fuzzypicklehead · 28/03/2013 07:21

It's awfully hard to break windows when you're jailed for being a paedophile. The fact that your daughter begged you not to is irrelevant. You are aware of a child abuser, you must report it. Don't tell him you reported him, just DO it! Get the man put away and you won't have to worry about your DD going back to him.

Hissy · 28/03/2013 07:27

Just make sure you don't let her down. I can't begin to tell you the pain she'll feel if that happens.

Sadly, you've said it, you can't unring that bell, but your actions can and ought to counter it.

What's happened to you in all this, what's the background here? What was the relationship with your parents/their father with your inlaws like? Forgive me, but all your DC are seemingly crying out. No blame here, but my abuse was brought about by the lack of emotional support from my family. it also seemingly caused my depression, suicide attempt too. Went through those alone too.

Something's out of balance there somewhere. If you can find out what it is, access some help/support, you may halt all this destructive behaviour.

You do sound supportive. I'm sorry if I upset you, but you needed to see how turning your back could spell disaster. Keep talking to her, reminding her of how far she's come.

The missing him thing is common, part of the insane addiction. Good will always triumph. Remind her of how good things are without him, show her how it's best not being scared. Positive reminders incentivise. Scary threats are what HE does. She's used to them and expects it.

Report the pervert to to police for the images, see if he can be locked up.that'll help keep him away from everyone, and strengthen her support from SS.

Can she access The Freedom Programme?

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