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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that its a bit rude to change the place cards at a reception?

153 replies

CrysPally · 26/03/2013 12:44

Sorry it this is retreading old ground, but this was brought up in the thread about separating couples at a wedding dinner, and I was surprised at the casualness with which some people suggested just swapping the place cards around. Surely there's far more to this then a guest could ever know about? The places might have been carefully chosen so that a shy/awkward person isn't on their tod, or that that Uncle Wandering Hands is kept safe, or any number of other things.

Leaving aside the couples together / apart etiquette, isn't it a bit rude to assume that you know better than the B&G?

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2013 16:52

I prefer to be sat with dh and our friends tbh.

I am pretty sociable and find it easy to chat to strangers but I do see a wedding as a chance to socialise with friends rather than meet new ones.

I wouldn't change the places but I would be pretty peeved.

TolliverGroat · 26/03/2013 16:53

I was annoyed when one guest did that at our wedding. She didn't have a husband/partner, and had been sat with people she knew. But she decided that she'd rather sit next to someone else she knew, so switched tables and shoved in between him and someone else. That was mildly annoying because it made life more difficult for the waiting staff, but particularly annoying because we'd carefully seated the two people she went and sat in between next to each other for a bunch of very specific reasons but she wound up dominating the whole conversation. I still think that was rude (and not sure what it said to her other friends on the other table that she didn't want to sit next to them).

SirChenjin · 26/03/2013 16:53

No, a good hostess will put her guests at ease. If that means sitting them with their partner or group that they've attended the event with then that is what is required.

pigletmania · 26/03/2013 17:00

We swapped places, we were at a table with another couple and they suggested it. Imy dh is very shy and felt uncomfortable not sitting next to me. It wasnt the bride and grooms choice of seating, as her arents paid for the reception her interfering mother took it upon herself to take charge of the seating. Most people at that wedding swapped places I saw

Didactylos · 26/03/2013 17:03

Having just finished seating plan for small 40 person wedding I am gobsmacked at the minefield
Weve kept couples together mostly because there are a good number of smallish kids involved who have ended up sandwiched between their parents to aid management. then theres the language issues (at least 4 will be spoken on the day), and the known mental illness or other possible vulnerability of certain people and the known feuds/disagreements between individuals that probably are better avoided on the day, the 'do not add alcohol' people whos behaviour would need managed wherever you put them..... though no wandering hands
I hadnt ever thought about splitting up couples though...

Now even more stressed!

FasterStronger · 26/03/2013 17:07

I am really surprised that posters don't just go with the flow. of course there are people I like more than others but I enjoy getting to know someone else.

most people are interesting and even those who aren't, can be interesting to observe.

Booyhoo · 26/03/2013 17:21

"A good hostess will know their guests well enough to ensure that the people on each table will find things in common."

any wedding i've been to has involved 2 people getting married. what's all this guff about 'a good hostess'? 2 people are responsible for what guests come to their wedding and where they sit. this might include people that one person doesn't know very well as they will be members of their partner's family.

SirChenjin · 26/03/2013 17:24

Didactylos - the best reception I ever went to was when we were told to sit where we like. Why not do that?

MrsWolowitz · 26/03/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Talkinpeace · 26/03/2013 17:26

Booyhoo
Technically the Bride's mother is the hostess.
I would certainly assume that the bride and groom plan the seating plan between them to ensure it goes OK, with or without input from their parents.

DH and I put all our exes on one table which was fine till the grandparents on the next table started earwigging.
None of the exes knew each other and it was fun listening to them work it out.

Sparklingbrook · 26/03/2013 17:29

This thread is just the same as the last thread. maybe the Bride and Groom should sit apart. See how they like it?

Booyhoo · 26/03/2013 17:30

"None of the exes knew each other and it was fun listening to them work it out. "

genius- free entertainment!

SirChenjin · 26/03/2013 17:33

Sparklingbrook - are you mad???

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 17:33

My wedding was informal for 50 and it worked better, well, for me, anyway.

We had a table of friends from my old work who all had partners. There were four single people and I put them on two big tables close to each other with couples and seven kids.

I did plan things a bit in that I put my best friend on the same table as DH's friend and as I thought, they ended up shagging in a cheap and meaningless one night stand . But if they'd have liked the look of someone else I wouldn't have minded if they'd moved so long as there were no fights.

My sister chose to go on one of those tables. She preferred not to let her young sons loose on the bridal table because she didn't want them to, not exactly misbehave, but just be little kids. I wouldn't have minded so long as they didn't flick gravy at my dress.

Then there was the bridal table with us, our mums, my single BIL, my brother, his wife and teenage daughter. I love my mum but that was the dullest one because she kept telling me how to be the perfect bride when I just wanted to move around and speak drunkenly to everyone.

My BIL regretted his choice and moved onto one of the better tables for the pudding.

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 17:35

Reading that back has made me wonder why anyone would want to know the ins and outs of my wedding

ps I've got photos if anyone's interested

JenaiMorris · 26/03/2013 17:36

It was very gracious of you to accept that your best friend might have wanted cheap and meaningless sex with someone other than one you had chosen for her, limited

Bridezillas, take note

Talkinpeace · 26/03/2013 17:37

The second half of my wedding party had no formal seating plan - it was out doors under a tree - and I felt I got to talk to everybody there, but it was definitely more cliquey.
But it was also smaller (30 people as against 100 at the first party)

(2 parties because my parents refused to attend the same one)

SirChenjin · 26/03/2013 17:40

Limitedperiod - tell us what we want to know, did they end up shagging or not??

Still18atheart · 26/03/2013 17:41

It is etiquette that you don't seat couples together.

SirChenjin · 26/03/2013 17:42

Oops, ignore that - in my excitement to get to the bottom of the did they/didn't they saga I completely missed the bit where they did in fact do the dirty

Sparklingbrook · 26/03/2013 17:43

I think etiquette usually means outdated cobblers when it comes to weddings.

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 17:45

I don't see why moving around makes it difficult for waiting staff (life-threatening allergies aside )

At lots of weddings the food is exactly the same. At mine, which I know you're all fascinated by, it was a restaurant where people could choose different things.

But it doesn't matter. I'd be more annoyed by a waiter who complained about having to ask 'whose chicken is this?' than by the guest who moved. I can't believe any waiter would do something as daft as that.

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 17:50

most people are interesting and even those who aren't, can be interesting to observe

I definitely agree fasterstronger, which makes it all the more vital to have a partner in crime.

BuiltForComfort · 26/03/2013 17:50

SirChenjin Tue 26-Mar-13 16:53:26
No, a good hostess will put her guests at ease. If that means sitting them with their partner or group that they've attended the event with then that is what is required

And a good guest will play their part too, ie sitting where they've been asked which may be for a good reason such as not making a single person feel like a complete gooseberry at a table of paired-off couples. I've had to endure some awful meals at weddings as I'm one of those people who can make polite conversation when required, so have been put next to awkward aunties, bosses etc. it's only a couple of hours, sometimes you meet interesting people, sometimes it just gives you a tale to tell when you reunite with your mates at the bar afterwards!

Another case in point, I am part of a group of 13 friends from uni which is made up of 6 couples and a singleton. At my wedding tables could take max 10 people, no way of squeezing an extra one on. So I couldn't put all 11 together, couldn't have 5 couples together and 1 elsewhere. Two tables with 5 & 6 meant each table would be dominated by a big group, so we split everyone up (in their couples) and mixed them around. Lots of new friendships made, cue mingling on dance floor later. Much more sociable than everyone keeping within their own groups like kids at a school disco.

TolliverGroat · 26/03/2013 17:51

We had all the vegetarians and other special dietary needs highlighted on the copy of the seating plan we gave the venue -- and, yes, the person who moved was one of those. So if one of those people suddenly isn't where they were supposed to be it adds difficulty (not massive, insurmountable difficulty, sure. But no one said that).

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