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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that its a bit rude to change the place cards at a reception?

153 replies

CrysPally · 26/03/2013 12:44

Sorry it this is retreading old ground, but this was brought up in the thread about separating couples at a wedding dinner, and I was surprised at the casualness with which some people suggested just swapping the place cards around. Surely there's far more to this then a guest could ever know about? The places might have been carefully chosen so that a shy/awkward person isn't on their tod, or that that Uncle Wandering Hands is kept safe, or any number of other things.

Leaving aside the couples together / apart etiquette, isn't it a bit rude to assume that you know better than the B&G?

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 26/03/2013 13:21

Thought so. For anyone who'd rather sit with their partner, I recommend descending to the lower level, public sectory bit of the middle class. Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2013 13:21

I tried to organise my wedding seating so that people were happy and had a good time. If they can do that better, and research on collective thinking suggests they can, all power to them.

Also, if my uncle was a sexually assaulting offender, he would either not be coming or would be told that the Police would be called if he sexually assaulted a guest.

Silvermoonsparkling · 26/03/2013 13:22

RichMan is absolutely correct.

TheCraicDealer · 26/03/2013 13:22

This is taken from a US etiquette website, so pardon the wankiness-

The flow of conversation needs to be kept up in order to allow for a pleasant, unforgettable and entertaining dinner.
You want to seat your guests strategically.... There is NO need to seat married couples side by side. In fact, it is desirable NOT to seat them side by side. One reason being, it is assumed that married couples engage in daily conversations anyway, so that it is much more strategic to seat people, who don't have this chance, side by side and across from each other. Engaged couples, however, protocol dictates, should be seated side by side.

I like being put beside randomers as opposed to my DP. I love him very much but I enjoy meeting new people and then discussing who we've been talking to later on and judging them together.

QuintEggSensuality · 26/03/2013 13:24

I have learnt something new!

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 26/03/2013 13:24

Of course, etiquette also dictates that you should make people feel comfortable (that's the whole point of it) so not sure where that leaves the place setting thing . I imagine the "not next to partner" thing was invented when people generally had better social skills and were better at talking to people they didn't know. Now, judging my a MN poll, people find that a bit of an ordeal, which is sad really, but there you go.

I've noticed that Americans (including posh ones) also seat spouses together.

CointreauVersial · 26/03/2013 13:26

Presumably, those who say they are never seated with their partners are generally on the same table at least?

As far as I'm concerned, that is seated together.

Agree, very rude to switch place cards, but if an individual table want to rearrange themselves by mutual agreement, that's a different matter.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 26/03/2013 13:27

Ah-so the Craic dealer just blew my theory apart.The Americans I knew must have just been pretending to be posh, the interloping weasels

tinierclanger · 26/03/2013 13:27

I think you'd be a bit of a controlling nutcase to care if people switched themselves around on the same table, although I can see why you'd be bothered if they started randomly jetting off to other tables.

catgirl1976 · 26/03/2013 13:29

At a dinner party you all move seats any way so it doesn't matter where you start off sitting

And at a wedding, unless the table arrangements are HUGE you can still speak to your partner

Silvermoonsparkling · 26/03/2013 13:30

Speaking to people you've never met before is generally fascinating even if they're not particularly garrulous. Everyone has an interesting story inside them, I love to hear them. You just have to ask the right questions. Why on earth would anyone assume that sitting next to someone they've never met would be tedious??

olgaga · 26/03/2013 13:32

For heaven's sake - so what if people change things and sit where they are comfortable? I tried to placed everyone with partners, family, friends or people they were at least vaguely acquainted with so they would enjoy themselves and frankly I think it's really weird not to.

But regardless of that, don't the B&G have better things to do on their big day than police the place settings?

BrianButterfield · 26/03/2013 13:34

Limitedperiod, that exact thing happened to me at my DB's wedding. I was sitting with SIL's family - and not a range of family but literally aunty, uncle, cousin, cousin's husband... They were nice enough but as they all knew each other really well there wasn't even any of that ice-breaking small talk you get on a table full of relative strangers (holidays/jobs/kids etc). DB lives abroad so there weren't many people I knew at the wedding but coincidentally an old school friend of MINE lived in the same city and was invited but they didn't sit me on her table. I was a bit Angry at travelling 3000 miles to be sat on my own while everyone else was on the top table.

BuiltForComfort · 26/03/2013 13:34

I have never understood the whole "oh but I must sit next to my DH" attitude. You live with them! Are you going to sit and have a private conversation about the kids, or your boss, or who's paid the gas bill??

What if you're single? How lovely to sit on a table with lots of couples all chatting to each other! Oh no I guess you could put all the single people on a "single people's table," that would be super for them.

My SIL did this at my wedding, she was sitting with people she knew but still whined about not sitting next to my brother, and changed things round. So that my recently-split-up-from-fiance-cousin, who I'd thought about very carefully, was no longer on a table with everyone mixed in but a table with some couples sitting together yakking away. But as long as my SIL was comfortable, that was ok wasn't it... Hmm

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 13:35

Everyone has an interesting story inside them

No, they don't.

tiggytape · 26/03/2013 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2013 13:37

Spot on olgaga, I'd be surprised if they even noticed.

RatPants · 26/03/2013 13:40

Limited Grin

Sadly I have to agree.

sue52 · 26/03/2013 13:40

I quite like being seated with new people, I've had some interestting conversations and made new friends that way. I see DH everyday and as much as I enjoy his company, it is good to speak to someone different. Knowing how much trouble some hosts take with seating plans, I would never be so rude as to change them.

limitedperiodonly · 26/03/2013 13:43

brian that's exactly what happened to me. Nice enough people but after the initial questions about my name and how I knew the bride they talked about their family and their family business with a few random questions for me whenever they remembered they'd been asked by SIL to look after me.

It was like being six again.

MrsHoarder · 26/03/2013 13:44

But not everyone is comfortable talking to strangers. If I go to a friend's wedding I go in part to catch up with old friends. If I go to a wedding in dh's family I've be quite put out if I was sat between to cousin I don't know (with sil/bil who I know well would be fine). I'd spend the meal feeling anxious and not really talking after spending £££ to attend.

Flobbadobs · 26/03/2013 13:46

It would appear that I've only ever been to the weddings of socially inept people as I'm always sat with my husband, apart from once where he was sat with a lively jolly group and I was placed with the DC's on a table where I knew nobody. That rankled a bit...
I would question the arrogance of the B&G to be dictating if a couple can sit together or not, having given up on place settings at our wedding and just writing 'sit where you want' on the table plan!

MiaowTheCat · 26/03/2013 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 26/03/2013 13:49

I don't really think it's rude, especially if you have tried the set arrangement and it isn't working out.

But a wedding I was at recently had lots of complicated dietary requirements/allergies so the bride was understandably very insistent that everyone sat in their assigned seats so that there were no mix-ups.

BrianButterfield · 26/03/2013 13:50

Sounds like it was excruciating for you too! I kept doing that thing you do in mixed company when conversation flags - "Mmm, this pudding is delicious, I do like lemon tart!" and then you all talk about puddings happily for ten minutes, except they'd all just go "Mm, yeah" like they were sitting at home. Because of course you don't brightly force bonhomie at any old family meal - but you do at a wedding! That's the law!