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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my daughter does not love me?

76 replies

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 09:36

It may sound really stupid and I don't know how to put it in words but I really need some help :(

My daughter is about an year old and it feels like she doesn't love me at all. There is no 'mother' connection and I don't see anything special between us :( she adores her father and is always with him. Whenever I want to take her she will push me or say no or will come very unwillingly. We both work full time and I am in a very good job but I feel sucidial at times. When I go to office I feel like not coming back. I took an year off for maternity and spend lot of time with her then why she does that? What should I do? Where did I go wrong? Her father obviously adores her and takes so much care of her but I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

London2013 · 25/03/2013 09:45

How long has she been like this for? Has it always been the case?

sashh · 25/03/2013 09:48

Is this the start of teenage 'I hate you'?

Are you the disciplinarian and dad lets her get away with things?

Or maybe you are just different people. If you met each other either as 10 year olds in the play ground or as adults would you like each other?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/03/2013 09:49

Oh darling, of course she loves you.

You do sound depressed - have you seen your gp?? Kids are so good at picking up on our feelings and emotions so maybe your DD knows you are not feeling brilliant.

She does love you though but maybe at the moment you are just not loving yourself.

ReallyTired · 25/03/2013 09:51

I am sorry that you are feeling sucidial. Do you think that it possible that depression might be distorting your thinking? Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor?

My daughter prefers her Dad at the moment, but I believe its because he works long hours and dd takes me for granted. In some families the Dads get a disportionate amount of the nice bits like puting the child to bed rather than the unpleasent side of parent ie. discipline.

Beamur · 25/03/2013 09:55

Perversely, some children can be 'off' with a parent - but this is often rooted from a great deal of security in that relationship. I.e. Your baby loves you and is secure in your love, so doesn't cling so much - a sort of baby reverse psychology!
Have you recently gone back to work? It sounds like you're struggling a bit and maybe missing your daughter too?
Be patient and take care of yourself. My DD struggled to bond with her Dad and I found I was better off removing myself and leaving them to have time to myself, as if I was around she always came to me - perhaps you and your partner need to have specific tasks or play that you do individually with your baby to have a bit of 1:1 time with her.

Pontouf · 25/03/2013 09:56

Sorry I am confused, is she one year old or ten?

lisad123everybodydancenow · 25/03/2013 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edwardsmum11 · 25/03/2013 10:00

Tbh if she is a year old it is a phase, my son (18mths) has phases of all mommy or all daddy but it usually equates to how much his father is away. I have a feeling he takes me for granted as I never leave.

SavoyCabbage · 25/03/2013 10:04

I've got two girls and they do seem to be daddy's girls. I think it's because they spend more time with me, mostly doing routine stuff like getting dressed and going to buy milk. He's more of a novelty.

When my oldest was 18 months old, there was a period of time where she wouldn't have a thing to do with me. I wasn't able to put down her plate or change her nappy without her screaming her head off.

Could you spend some time with her where its just about the two of you doing something together without emptying the washing machine etc?

quesadilla · 25/03/2013 10:08

Is her dad a SAHD? It sounds fairly normal from my perspective: my dd still has daddy days and mummy days. But it does sound as if you are very depressed and should get some help. Hope you are ok

wanderingcloud · 25/03/2013 10:10

I agree, it's completely normal for them to go through phases of being clingy to one parent but the impact this is having on your MH seems to be disproportionate. Please, go and talk to your GP. PND can set in a long time after birth and going back to work full time (if your DD is 1 and you took a year off I assume you have only gone back recently?) could be a trigger.

London2013 · 25/03/2013 10:10

The reason I asked if it was recent was because my dd did exactly this at the same age. It was awful and is more than just being a 'daddy's girl'. I wasn't even allowed in the room with them.

With hindsight going back to work triggered it although she had always been more daddy than mummy right from the word go.

She's now 5 and has been a complete mummy's girls for at least 2.5 years. It really is just a phase and you will come out the other side.

Un mumsnetty hugs though because it is horrid when you're living it.

Original poster

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 10:13

Thank you all for your messages! It helps so much as I can't discuss it elsewhere.

She is one year old and as soon as she started recognizing people and establishing likes and dislikes she preferred her dad. He is so kind, loving and caring to both of us but I felt since I spent so much time with her, played with her and took her to baby clubs etc she will bond with me but no.

Like today morning she was a bit sick and went to her father on waking up. When I tried taking her from him she shoved her hand on my face and said no at least ten times and pushed me away. It literally killed me as I knew it before. I came to office and I feel like never going back.

I hate when I see word mother written everywhere as I am clearly a failure. I feel like cutting myself :( I know she is innocent and just a baby but what do I do? How to I bond with her?

OP posts:

MamaBear17 · 25/03/2013 10:14

It is a phase. My DD is 20 months and regularly pushes out one of us, usually me (because daddy is a soft touch who lets her get away with things). I asked DH to start doing his fair share of the discipline, to back off a bit when we are playing and not to interrupt our cuddles. It has improved things a lot, although I do not get a look in when her nanny (my mum) is in the room!

ICBINEG · 25/03/2013 10:15

I have totally been the same. My DD is nearly 2 now but all the way from 9 months to about 15 months she needed daddy to do EVERYTHING. I was back at work and remember very clearly the staying late doing nothing much just so I didn't have to see her.

I was suffering from PND, and you may be too. I would see some advice asap.

The good news is that at 15 months she suddenly wanted cuddles from me and to be carried everywhere by me and now we have levelled off to about equal between me and DH.

There were dark, dark days when I genuinely thought my daughter would never let me hug her. Now I can barely peel my limpet off.

ICBINEG · 25/03/2013 10:18

OP you are already bonded! This is a phase, and you are still one of the two most important people in her life.

I know it hurts though...even after 6 months of recovery, when DD pushed me away on the changing table yesterday I still felt the pit open up beneath me.

It is absolutely fucking horrible when you try to offer love and get hit in response. Really really awful.

But it WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

stressyBessy22 · 25/03/2013 10:19

She is a baby of course she loves you.Even if you were the worst mother in the world she would still love you, young children are built that way otherwise they would never have survived in primitive times.

Branleuse · 25/03/2013 10:19

youre not a failure. Your turn will come. Most children play favourites. Please dont take it so personally. Shes only a baby. You really need to speak to your doctor or health visitor about your fear of rejection, because you sound very very depressed and youre blaming your daughters behaviour for it when it is something much deeper than that xxx

ppeatfruit · 25/03/2013 10:21

If she's one yr. old and you have just returned to FT work then of course she is missing you and you are missing her, that's quite natural isn't it.?

As an ex minder and nanny I noticed the DCs tended to deliberately push away the parents at pick up time. It seems its a form of punishment from the DCs they need YOU and if you're not there whatever you're doing they feel upset and that's one of way of letting the parent know it.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 25/03/2013 10:22

Oh you poor thing
She DOES love you. She is, as can be acceptable at her age, taking you for granted. It's definitely the novelty factor.
She is secure enough in your relationship to not put any effort in-which hurts massively at the time but she will be like a limpet for the next twenty years
I would certainly seek some help in case you are suffering from PND, no shame in this-I did. I also found/find my relationship with my daughter far more complex than my son. Take care x

Iamcountingto3 · 25/03/2013 10:33

Oh honey, of course she loves you - you are managing a lot at the moment, and it sounds like you're having a tough time.

My dd had a HUGE phase of adoring dh - I could do nothing with her if he was around (although she would be fine with me if he wasn't) - it started early - 6 months or so - and the look on her face when he came in from work (I worked from home pt at the time) was just sheer joy.

Luckily, she was my second, so I had ds (who was very attached to me at the time!) and could be a bit pragmatic about it, but it is very, very hard to be pushed away.

From what you've said I assume the move to work has been fairly recent - so my best guess is that you're both readjusting to a new way of managing your relationship, & as others have said, just missing each other.

Can you manufacture some special mummy & dd time where the two of you jsut do some nice stuff together without him around - whatever suits the both of you and will be totally stress free and all about fun - feeding the ducks, playing with playdough, snuggling up with a book, having a bath together .... anything. Don't put pressure on or make it a big deal, just get used to spending time together and enjoying it.

Fwiw, although dd and dh still have a special bond, her favouritism wore off, and if anything I'd say she's closer to me that dh now.

taxi4ballet · 25/03/2013 11:30

Maternitygold, we will all do our best to help you, but you say you can't talk about it elsewhere?

Please, please, do go and talk to your GP or health visitor, and tell them how you upset you are, they will understand, and give you lots of help and support.

Beamur · 25/03/2013 11:34

You really might find it helpful to talk to someone in RL about this - many mums (and dads) have confusing and upsetting feelings about their parenting, failure being a big one - but you will find it is not uncommon and their is lots to be gained from support. Your HV would be a great place to start.

tiktok · 25/03/2013 11:37

Maternitygold, this is horrible for you :( :( :(

I think you are right to take it very seriously. You are very distressed (you say you are suicidal) and you need help asap....your own mental and emotional well-being is vital for your daughter as well. It's great your dd and your dh have a good relationship but you (and she) need one too.

Your GP or your health visitor should listen and don't miminise your feelings when you discuss it with them.

This is important. Please get help. There is good support and help available, and you are not alone.

Lucyellensmum95 · 25/03/2013 11:43

Please go to your GP, today?

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