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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my daughter does not love me?

76 replies

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 09:36

It may sound really stupid and I don't know how to put it in words but I really need some help :(

My daughter is about an year old and it feels like she doesn't love me at all. There is no 'mother' connection and I don't see anything special between us :( she adores her father and is always with him. Whenever I want to take her she will push me or say no or will come very unwillingly. We both work full time and I am in a very good job but I feel sucidial at times. When I go to office I feel like not coming back. I took an year off for maternity and spend lot of time with her then why she does that? What should I do? Where did I go wrong? Her father obviously adores her and takes so much care of her but I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 11:47

Thanks so much for the support. It gives me hope as I started the day thinking its all over for me.

I will take your advice and follow it through: 1) keep up my momentum ... Things will improve... She is my daughter and will love me eventually
2) sort out with my husband on how I can spend more time with her. Maybe I need to show my love and affection more.

It doesn't help that my in laws are here and my mil makes most of the meals for her :( they are very nice and kind but it takes away something from me. I need to try and make it all work.

If my feeling doesn't improve I will speak to the GP. I will not give up on my daughter. Thank you all so much for your stories and helping me through.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 11:47

Thanks so much for the support. It gives me hope as I started the day thinking its all over for me.

It doesn't help that my in laws are here and my mil makes most of the meals for her :( they are very nice and kind but it takes away something from me. I need to try and make it all work.

If my feeling doesn't improve I will speak to the GP. I will not give up on my daughter. Thank you all so much for your stories and helping me through.

OP posts:

OneLittleToddleTerror · 25/03/2013 11:56

I think you do sound a bit depressed. Did you just return to work? It's a shock to the system after a year of maternity leave.

Like others have said, ofc she loves you. She's only one year old. The most important people in her world is her mum and dad. And don't try to compete. Let your MIL do the cooking and enjoy it while you can. They are only trying to help.

I have a two year old and she plays favourite all the time. Sometimes when I go and take her out of her cot from her naps, she'll say no no no to me, and won't stop crying until daddy comes to fetch her. She'll sometimes push me away and ran to DH for hugs.

Other times, she'll just ignore DH and only mummy cuddles will do. DH said he felt sad when DD didn't come running to him when he picked her up from nursery. Or when she refused to let DH put her coat on. Or when she gave all the nursery workers cuddles and then didn't give him one. I think he's more sensitive to these things then me. I think some people just feel more hurt by this type of toddler behaviour. (Most days, she ran to DH with arms stretched at pick up).

sydlexic · 25/03/2013 11:56

If your DD is one and you took a year off for maternity, you have recently returned to work. She may be punishing you for leaving her.

Iamcountingto3 · 25/03/2013 12:02

If you can't talk elsewhere - do keep talking on here... But have you mentioned this to your dh? I'm sure it would help to get his support and for him to be aware of how you're feeling. Do give yourself a deadline (perhaps with your dh) at which point you'll go and see the GP if you still feel that your struggling, won't you.

I know you say they're very nice, but I bet having your PIL there may well be putting some extra pressure on. As you say, they are taking on some elements of 'your' role, plus your dd has so many adults to look after her, it's harder for you & her to reconnect. Are they staying for long?

What was it like when you were at home with your dd on your own?

BarbarianMum · 25/03/2013 12:05

I am not a doctor. However, what you are describing sounds a lot like Postnatal Depression to me.

I'm sure your daughter loves you fine but if you are depressed you may not be able to 'feel' it at all. That feeling of space b/w you and other people, that sounds like a depression thing too ~(voice of bitter experience).

Please go to see your doctor. Tell them exactly what you said in your OP. And to quote tiktok please don't minimise your feelings.

Depression is horrible but it is really common, especially post natally, and really treatable. Please don't struggle on alone .

kerala · 25/03/2013 12:08

It sounds as if you do need help in my unprofessional opinion you are massively overreacting to this. My eldest DD was the same (and I was a SAHM!) she would hit me (and only me) and be really rejecting. It was upsetting but was just a phase now she is an adorable 6 year old we have a very loving relationship and have for years. They are babies and going through stages of development, they are not sophisticated enough to do things to hurt you on purpose at that age.

My lovely aunt who is a professional in child development said babies and young children sometimes treat the person they feel the most comfortable with like this because they are so secure in your love for them, that they are able to display their "worst" side knowing that you will still love them. Haven't described this properly but it really helped me. Good luck!

catgirl1976 · 25/03/2013 12:10

Ahhh I am so sorry you are feeling like this :(

Your daughter does love you. DS went through a phase like this with me, now he's clingy with me and ignores DH, next week it will be something different

You need to go and talk to your GP. There is no shame in being depressed. I am. I'm on anti-d's and getting help. Happens to the best of us like getting a chest infection. You need to get some help though. You can and will get through this and your daughter loves you.

Please go and see your doctor

Lucyellensmum95 · 25/03/2013 12:19

Can i just say (kindly) that I am in a very similar position. My DD is definately a daddy's girl, she is 7 and it does hurt. They have a lovely relationship and it is wonderful to see but i do feel left out. The thing is, i am suffering from depression and often feel the same as you, that she doesn't love me - its bollocks of course. I often feel that i tend to leave myself out, take a back foot so it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy - children pick up on things and react accordingly.

It could well be PND, mine was missed and not picked up until DD was 2.5 by this time i was very ill.

YOUR DAUGHTER ADORES YOU - you are the one she can be grumpy with, she trusts you, do you see this? You are the one she will push bounderies with because you make her feel safe enough to do this? Because you have always been there for her.

You need to look after your MH as it will impact on how you are with your DD without you realising - this sounds harsh, but im saying it because you sound so distressed and unhappy and i really want you to get some help. You need to enjoy these years, they are so so precious. Your DD loves you more than you can ever realise, you are her world. Promise me you will go to the doctor?

Yfronts · 25/03/2013 12:22

The best thing you can do is come across as less needy to her. Don't be desperate for cuddles/kisses. Start having fun and being silly with her. Really silly!!! Fly her places, be a tickle monster, read books daftly. You may get monster cuddles?

Yfronts · 25/03/2013 12:24

If you are feeling depressed maybe look into CBT. Self help books - lots on amazon.

Yfronts · 25/03/2013 12:25

Your DD does adore you by the way.

WileyRoadRunner · 25/03/2013 12:29

OP please get some help, I am not saying that in a patronising way but what you are feeling is going to make you ill if you don't deal with it.

I think if you can get some professional help you will see that it is probably your feelings that are making it seem like your daughter doesn't love you/prefers Dad. This is not the reality I am sure, just your perception of it because you are very depressed about it.

You are not a failure, please also remember that children go through "phases" of favourite people. My DD1 much preferred DH when she was that age but as she has got older she doesn't show a preference.

Please, please talk to your GP, they will be able to help you, this is not something uncommon and it can be overcome.

ppeatfruit · 25/03/2013 12:31

Good ideas Yfronts

OxfordBags · 25/03/2013 12:37

Your DD does love you. Babies are hard-wired to love even the most abusive, neglectful mothers, and you are certainly not that.

This is all about your problems, your feelings, Sweetheart. You are telling yourself that she doesn't love you and believing it. A child going through a phase of preferring her father does not mean she doesn't love her mum. Indeed, children who will only cling to their mothers are usually the ones who have a weak connection with her. Babies who are confident in their mother's love feel secure to spend time with others, even show more interest in them, because they know Mummy will always be there. But if you keep convincing yourself that she doesn've love you, you are in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You sound very depressed. Talk of ending it all and harming yourself are very serious issues. PND is almost as common when babies reach 1 year old as it is straight after birth. You might have non-PND depression. But whatever is wrong, how you are feeling is nor normla and must be hell for you. Please, please try to believe us that feeling DD doesn't love you is all in your mind. Having children can really shake up old, hidden hurt within us, and feeling unlikeable and unloveable is common (it happened to me).

ICBINEG · 25/03/2013 13:13

OP your daughter ALREADY loves you. She just need to learn how to show it overtly in a way you are familiar with!

Please go and see the GP as soon as possible. Feeling as down as you do is not normal (even when pushed away by someone you love more than anything). It will also not necessarily magically get better when she starts hugging you to death.

You deserve to be happy, OP, especially when your baby is simply doing what babies do.

Please get the help you need to be happy again....I found a combination of counselling and CBT got the job done....

tiktok · 25/03/2013 13:35

If you are having suicidal thoughts (and you say you feel suicidal in your first post), then please share your despair with someone who can do something about getting you help, maternitygold. And soon.

I don't think books, or seeing how things go, or trying to have a different mindset, or thinking of your daughter's behaviour as a phase that will go away is enough.

All those things are fine - but not on their own.

ISeeRedPeople · 25/03/2013 13:44

OP my daughter is EXACTLY the same.
She is 18mo and adores her dad (always has) but doesn't seem to like me at all. I can do exactly the same things that he does which make her laugh, yet she won't laugh at me. It really really hurts and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I did the whole bf'ing thing, had 9 months mat leave with her, and even through all that I felt she didn't like me. Everyone around me laughs and says she's a "man's girl", but it's agonising when I come home from work and she sees me and bursts into tears and pushes me away when I've looked forward to seeing her all day. Sometimes I think she must really hate me.

Wewereherefirst · 25/03/2013 13:47

She loves you because you give her stability, you're always there she's comforted by that.

My DS2 prefers daddy to mummy a lot, but I know that he does love me, but daddy comes and goes and it's a bit of a novelty. It is not a reflection on you, but please speak to a GP.

ICBINEG · 25/03/2013 13:47

This is crazy! I will admit to thinking I was the only one that thought like this...but now all these people are admitting the same.

If you think your baby hates you then you have a problem that needs dealing with!

Please please seek help.

persimmon · 25/03/2013 13:50

Could it be that you are depressed and are interpreting your DD's behaviour in the light of that depression? Most kids go through phases of favouring one parent and I would say that feeling suicidal is not a normal response to this.

Apologies if I'm way off the mark but is it worth considering?

LittleEdie · 25/03/2013 13:52

This happened to me. It felt like it lasted ages at the time, but maybe about 18months to two years.

I would read on here people saying 'it's just a stage, she'll grow out of it' and 'she only feels able to do this because she's so secure in your love' and I'd think 'no it isn't, she really does love him loads more because he is a better parent and she hates me'.

It was a stage .

She's now nearly 5 and we have a lovely relationship.

TheFallenNinja · 25/03/2013 13:55

My DD is the same with me at the moment. I work at home so aren't around as much as DP.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. I would wait a good while longer before writing yourself off.

I'm sure your doing what every good parent does, your level best, that's all we can do.

Foundations don't set overnight do lighten up on yourself.

Original poster

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 14:05

I see very clearly what you all are saying. I will remember each and every post whenever I get depressed and remind myself that it's just a phase and she is all mine and loves me. Lucy - I will see the GP as well. If the problem is with me then it needs to be sorted. Yfront and everyone else who gave me idea on how to bond with her - I will do that for sure!

Today when she shoved me multiple times even my husband was sad and he came to me to tell me not to worry. But it's each and every time she does that. There is never a moment when she picks me.

But like you all say it will pass soon and till then I must stay strong and maybe talk to my GP.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maternitygold · 25/03/2013 14:07

Iseeredpeople - I hope this post gives you support as well. Hope this phase passes away quickly!

OP posts:

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