To think my daughter does not love me?

[Maternitygold]

It may sound really stupid and I don't know how to put it in words but I really need some help :(

My daughter is about an year old and it feels like she doesn't love me at all. There is no 'mother' connection and I don't see anything special between us :( she adores her father and is always with him. Whenever I want to take her she will push me or say no or will come very unwillingly. We both work full time and I am in a very good job but I feel sucidial at times. When I go to office I feel like not coming back. I took an year off for maternity and spend lot of time with her then why she does that? What should I do? Where did I go wrong? Her father obviously adores her and takes so much care of her but I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.

Please don't take it personally. Dd was similar with me for the first year, it was all dadadadada... In the last few months its turned around and I'm the favourite. It's a normal phase!

You'll build those connections in time, just find time every day to cuddle, read stories, play together. Just the two of you.

DD just turned 1 and I haven't been apart from her for more than a few hours - she lights up when she sees DH, cries when he leaves and wants to be with him all the time.

I think she finds me uninteresting and takes me for granted because I'm always around, but I try to rationalise it and see it as a positive thing. Sucks at the time though.

maternitygold my mum took me to a child psychologist when I was a year old because she thought I hated her. She laughs about it now but she really thought it at the time. Obviously I had no awareness of this! I have always loved my mum and I still do at over 40!

Your baby is not capable of hating you. You need to go to the GP I think. Don't wait - go now.

By the way - the definition of a good mother is someone who cares about this stuff. You care enough to feel upset about it, post on here about it. You are the very mother she needs, now and always. Please see the GP and post on here for lots of support.

A lot of children do this.

DD1 did this at the same age. And I felt absolutely awful. Like I was failing despite all my best efforts. Once she ill and we put her in bed with us and all I wanted to do was cuddle her to make her feel better. But she pushed me away - literally. All she wanted was cuddles with her dad.

When she 18 months we went to a friends Wedding and she wouldn't let me hold her all day. Just screamed at me. It was terrible and I thought everyone knew how shit I was at parenting.

She is 5 now and although still a Daddys girls, we have a great relationship. Lots of cuddles and laughter. I love being around her. It really couldn't be more different to how it was.

At the time dh couldn't understand why I was so hurt and upset. But now he gets it because dd2 is the complete opposite- she is 2yo and only wants me.

It's just a phase. And you and your daughter will come out the other side and have a lovely relationship, I sure. I know it's horrible to live through though.

But if you are having serious suicidal thoughts then you must see your GP OP.

And don't let anyone dimiss your feelings as 'silly' or 'daft'. You are feeling hurt and rejected. They are very real feelings

Excuse typos - sausage fingers on iPhone and rushing before school run

I think you need to spend time alone with her and focus on having fun just doing stuff like reading a book or playing. Keep it low key but make your DH is not around so that he is not an option for her.

Take the pressure off yourself. She does love you.

Get yourself to the doctors though. Don't be embarrassed. Depression is normal, common and an illness. It is also common for children to behave like your DD and your reaction to it, is totally normal too.

Relax and give it time. The phase will pass.

Thank you all! Your personal stories are so touching. It makes me feel more relaxed and comfortable about the whole thing. This morning seems like a distant memory where I just never wanted to go back and just vanish in air.

I feel though I need to see the GP and talk it out. I will make an appointment soon.

So glad you are feeling better OP. Your DD is a very lucky little girl to have such loving parents - there will be times i am sure when you feel rubbish, but hold on to the fact that like you say, she is your baby and you are her mum, no matter what. I can tell you that i don't feel quite so bad about her wanting Daddy when she wont settle at night (shes 7!! ) and he has to lay with her to get her off to sleep, while im downstairs tidying and sorting stuff mnetting and drinking wine

Please seek some help. Yes, this preference for dad is very common - it happened to me as well with DS1 and now, at 12, I'd say we are very close.

But I would also say that this may be the effect of depression as well as contributing to it. In other words, she may be picking up on your feelings. I am saying this not to blame you ( I also had PND) but simply to say that there is help out there.

This feeling down on yourself, feeling that your children don't love you, that you want to hurt yourself, that you're not doing enough, that you're a failure and that this is a sign of that is depression. You should not be ashamed of this anymore than I should have when I felt like you do.

Maybe you can't bring yourself to visit your GP today, and that's ok, but please think about a visit to them as an option. Please remember that lots and lots of us have felt as you do and that you haven't done anything wrong.

There are no signs that your DD doesn't love you. My DS will randomly choose me or his dad as his favourite. They really don't understand that they can hurt your feelings. And yes, DS has pushed me away by my face too. It's just a silly thing all babies and toddlers do. Don't worry.

Maternitygold I do sympathise. I felt very similar when DS was coming up to a year old - it just seemed like a very difficult phase where he hated being in the house with me. As soon as we got outside he'd be smiling and begging for attention from complete strangers, but as soon as we were alone he would be miserable and just whine and cry. At one point I dragged DH out of work because I was verging on hysterical and worried I was going to do something stupid.

DS is now 15mo and things are brilliant. It just turned around really suddenly a few months ago, so this could be right round the corner for you too. Sorry if this sounds a bit mememe - I'm just telling you my experience because I do know where you're coming from.

My eldest sister was like this with my mum. Mum really felt like a spare part and unwanted by her while my sister adored my father. My sister was 3 before my mum realised she did love her: a car went down our road which looked like my parents' and my sister ran after it screaming "mummy!!!" obviously thinking it was theirs. It was the first time mum realised DSis cared for her too.

My DSis is in her 50s now and she has always loved my mother. They are very close and one day you will see you and your daughter are too. You always need and want your mum, you're just not always good at showing it.

You sound like me about 2 years ago and boy they were dark days. It lasted til my daughter was two. I honestly had contemplated suicide as a way out. Only now do I get upset to think that I might have left her motherless as I would not go to the doctor. I felt she didn't like me either. Everything is great now, I'm out of that hell. Councelling truly helped me aswell as some lifesavers on here who kept messaging me. Please tell someone. Love and care xxxxx

I had this from 9 months to about 3,she would say no no if I came neat her when dad was there.he rather encouraged it.it was so hard.but from about 4 it changed and on balance she prob prefers me.but now more equal.just hang in there

DD did this when I went back to work, and it was heartbreaking :( now we have the opposite problem, and DH is pretty miserable about the kids' clear mummy preference. I guess it will turn and turn about.

maternitygold apparantly I did this to my Mum at that age. When she tells me about it I sound horrible. I would really only go to my Mum if I wanted BFing - everything else had to be Dad. But I never remember this preference at all. I don't know how long it lasted but I think it is a phase.

However i think talking to a HV or Dr sounds a great idea because it must be hard to deal with at the time, however normal it may be

It will turn and turn about.
But please address your depression, try to sneak at least a couple of hours a week alone, maybe an early pick-up from nursery and a walk through the park (when spring turns up). And also remember she only pushes you away because she's absolutely totally sure you'll come back at her with kisses. Otherwise she'd sense it and wouldn't risk it.
Looking back now DD is 11, I think we've been through about four cycles of this, one when she was about 5 affected me very badly I think because my dad had just died too and I felt very rejected. That was my additional factor, and yours perhaps is that you've fairly recently returned to work. That's why you should address the depression, I had a short course of counselling and found it very helpful in getting perspective back.
At the mo, as she becomes aware that we have Great Secrets that only she and I share (periods, bras - although she's not quite there yet thank lord), we are close as we could be. I suspect in another couple of years I will be the Evil Disciplinarian again and DH will be Father Xmas and the Birthday Bear rolled into one.

I'm sure that this phase will pass but it must be very distressing for you just now.

Please do go to your gp and have a chat about how you're feeling depressed and tell her of your concerns about your relationship with your DC.

Depression in itself needs to be addressed for your/its own sake. As Smudging says it gives you a warped perspective of your family dynamic. But also when a mother feels depressed it affects her ability to behave empathically to her child. Address your depression and you will improve your perception of your relationship with your DC and your interactions with your DC. It may be that your anxiety about this situation is picked up on by your baby so as you say try your best to show your love for her by increasing smiles and eye contact and nurturing and play and physical affection. The problem is depression makes all this more difficult so see your gp.

good luck.

Thanks all ... Your personal exp are so much beneficial to me. It just keeps me going when I was totally losing my mind. I have read and absorbed each and everyone of them.

Today we had a much better evening. I played with her for long and used every bit of imagination to keep her engaged and happy with me. One thing I don't understand is why it's a competition between her father and I? With other parents it seems so natural for babies to want to be with their moms. What is it about other moms that I don't have? If I could discover the secret.

Thanks again to you all. It was as if you all were with me the whole time in your stories and inspiration. Without you guys I would have been a disaster.

I felt much the same as you for the first 4-6 months of my daughter's life and going back to work was the straw that broke the camels back. DD was 18 weeks at the time.

I had a wonderful GP & HV, and was diagnosed with PND and given meds which helped me to start being able to cope again, until one day I looked at a photo of DD & felt that 'rush' that is supposed to happen the moment you set eyes on your newborn . I'd also recommend reading Life After Birth by Kate Figes which deals with maternal feelings, expectations & preconceptions and was very helpful.

My DD is 8.6 now and we couldn't have a better, closer relationship. These things shall pass & there it's no shame in asking for help.

You poor thing I promise you this feeling will pass.
She does love you, you are her mum and noone will ever compare quite to that. Often my DD plays up more with me purely because she knows she can, and goes to other people rather than me as they are more interesting and "unplayed with".
I think a lot of mums find this, dad is the "novelty" at certain phases.

There was a little girl I used to nanny for, and she was SUCH a daddys girl from 2-3 years old, if mum got home before dad she would scream go away I want dad, if mum put her to bed she would kick up a HUGE fuss, if they went out she would cry asking for dad to come too etc. Then at about 3 she suddenly stopped, and would be telling me about mum doing her hair, asking if we could paint her a picture, saying "mummy does this" "I love mummy when's she home" etc.
It was SO tough on her mum for the year or so, and it wasn't really apparent why, but it didn't last.
One thing I did used to think was maybe it was because mum would always take the tantrums and still be there, and she had the security of knowing she would always come back, whereas dad was more of a "challenge" to get time and attention from. He was a lovely dad, but he wasn't available quite as much time wise, and would leave her to it if she started tantrum-ing.

Don't give in to ANY suicidal thoughts. It will honestly get better, I've been there and now I look back it all seems so unimportant in the scale of things, but at the time it felt like I was in a hopeless black hole with nothing to look forward to. But it couldn't have been further from the truth. Plan a break away for just you and DH/a spa day for you to relax. You need to break out of day to day life for a bit to help the cycle of emotions.

This is a natural state of her finding her boundaries and building relationships. She knows she can push you away and you will still be there, and she probably likes the attention of you trying after she says no. This is a good thing, it will make her feel secure and loved. Don't take it personally, all children go through phases, in a few months-a year it will most likely reverse.

Sorry for waffling, and I hope none of that's made you feel worse or come across wrong. xxx

Maternity The thing that you don't have that other mums have is: Their child.

You have your child. They are all different.

The key lesson to learn as a parent is that not everything that you feel is going wrong is actually anything to do with you AT ALL. In fact I would go so far as to say the vast majority of things that don't go as expected or are different from others experiences are down to the child and not the parent.

If you have had a normal adult life you have become used to being responsible at least in part for everything that happens to you but that all changes with a child in the picture....cause and effect go out the window.

Thanks Spero, lilipaddle and ICBINEG

Am slowly trying to be more rationale and give myself and her more time. My husband is helping me as well in this and I will be spending more 1-1 time with her to see if this helps.

Really appreciate all the feedback and stories.

My dd 8 is vey close to dp as I am the disciplinarian and she is a daddy's girl.Interestingly I had PND with her and dp looked after her a lot in the night as we also had 15 month old twin boys.

Having said that we are getting a lot closer now as re discipline dp is stepping forward more,I'm stepping back,we're doing more girly things together 1 to 1 which she loves.She also wants me more.She has come out of a long minxy freakin nightmare stage and is a pleasure to be with now,getting lots of compliments.We used to clash big time,seem to understand each other more now.

I think dd will always be close to her dad which is a huge gift for girls but we're building a really nice relationship.

It's a marathon not a sprint and very early days for you in your relationship with dd.

However as others have said you must sort you out,go and see your gp.