To ask for TMI Log related help. Not for faint hearted

[MyFloatingShame]

I have nced for this I am a regular though and not a poo troll

I have gone to the loo and blocked it with the most enormous log

It didn't flush so I left the cistern to re-fill (keep a sharp ear out for DH in case I needed to intercept him) gone back, flushed again and it is still lurking, bobbing about half in and half out of the water like a malevolent, fecal Nessie.

I broke the fecker in two with the plunger and put some loo roll on it but it still won't go. (It put up a fight too, at one point I thought it might climb out and attack me)

I have never pooed in front of DH in the 15+ years we have been together and I can't ask him for help.

What can I do?? What will make it go away? I am so embarrassed. Help.

Our cistern is really slow to re-fill and it's a tiny tank and a narrow loo IYSWIM. What can I do?

We don't have a loo brush (dirty and not MN approved) so my only weapon is the plunger

Sorry

:o I completely lost it at 'malevolent fecal Nessie'
Have no advice, but it seems you have got some good ideas from others.
I'm desperately wondering if you are who I think you are.
Obviously you will never confess, don't blame you.

Best username ever

rubber gloves, fish out, nappy sack, dog bin.

Put a rubber glove on and mash it up with your hand

throw rubber gloves away

Hands in, lob it out the window. Good for the garden.

Knife.one of dh friends stayed.ate a massive pasta salad and left the next day leaving an influence monster which the kids still talk about now.I used a knife and have not had pasta salad since.I threw away the knife

Yeah, throw the gloves away. Don't want to see another thread later asking if it's ok to give them a quick rinse!!

lob out of window fraught with danger. Think of the shame as you hit next doors dog, or greenhouse, or Mrs Smith doing a bit of light weeding.

onepiece

surely OK to put in the dishwasher?

"malevolent, fecal Nessie" :o :o

DS3 had one of those once. He's only little but I think eats lead in his spare time - this one wasn't going anywhere. I poured just about everything I could find in the kitchen down there but in the end I needed a knife and a stiff stomach.

influence monster? That's a weird one

Have just pmsl at "malevolent fecal Nessie"

Having had to dispose of the occasional monster from DS, I'd go with gloves, nappy bag and dump, including gloves. (Thank god it was only occasional, they were definitely monsters .)

DD has just walked in the room and asked why I am crying
I told her- she has just collapsed from laughing.
Classic in the making .

Ok tell DH you have diarrhoea - he MUST not use the loo .Do you have any sticks - poke the bastard whilst flushing!

Love the way we need to clarify that the cutting tool needs to be thrown away. Always good to clarify.

effluence monster autocorrected presumably?

I have no advice that hasn't already been posted but thank you for this thread.

FryOne

Maybe Effluence Monster?

I have had this situation more than once in my house (not my poo, I hasten to add). Bleach down toilet, leave for a while to start to break down the offending item, then flush and have a to celebrate victory over the beast.

The battle is done. It was a close call but I beat the monster back and my loo is clear again. It will haunt my dreams though

The knife and bucket worked. The knife, bucket and gloves are in the outside bin.

Thank you all for the advice.

I am not owning up to who I am but I do feel like I know some of you on this thread Isla probably has guessed correctly

I am going to bleach my skin, eyes and brain. And possibly re-evalute my diet.

Do MNHQ know who I am? I don't want to join the huns but the shame.

Mind you, that thing deserved it's own ticket to be fair.

, for your top tips. DH need never know my shame :)

ticker not ticket.

Non need to NC, IMO

Everybody shiiits.... sometimes

MN do know who you are, yes.
They are pointing and laughing!

Cutting up is the way to go. Try the bacon slicer approach- thin layers which should flush away ok

I thought on the last floating monster thread, the advice was not to use boiling water, as it resulted in poached turd. Only saying.....not my wording..

These threads make me howl with laughing

When the poo is long
And the shite,
The shite is yours alone
When your cisterns had enough
Of your turd, well hang on

Just let the poo flow
Because everybody shites
And everyone does turds
Sometimes................

A very shy friend (honest!), was at her ILs and birthed a similar Nessie.
So she used a wire coathanger from the wardrobe. Problem solved.

Except it wasn't. Her MIL noticed that the loo's surface was scratched. And clocked that a hanger was missing. And asked for an explanation.