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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people shouldn't assume all SAHM have a choice to be a SAHM

29 replies

dropdeaddivalover · 21/03/2013 16:09

Just that really. Getting really annoyed with justifying the reason I am a SAHM to everyone even my family!

I have a disabled child who is in and out of hospital at the drop of a hat. And when we in hospital we can be in for a week, a day etc. What employer would want an employee like me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
MisselthwaiteManor · 21/03/2013 16:12

YANBU. I would have thought your family would understand if no one else, it must be very frustrating that they don't.

Original poster
dropdeaddivalover · 21/03/2013 16:20

Brother in law thinks that once DD goes to school in September that I will be able to go back to work PT and magically all of DD's medical problems will disappear!

Have to keep reminding him of all of DD's issues, OVER AND OVER !

OP posts:
PenelopeChipShop · 21/03/2013 16:31

Ignore him, he needs to get something better to worry about than your employment status which is nothing to do with him! In all seriousness you have to rise above other people's judgements, it's a waste of energy.

You sound like a lovely caring mum.

thebody · 21/03/2013 16:34

Why?? Don't have to justify yourself. What business is it of his anyway.

Just tell him once and for all to mind it and put a fucking sick in it and attend to his own business.

You sound like you have enough on your plate.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2013 16:36

Err then don't justify it Confused

I never have.

Smellslikecatspee · 21/03/2013 16:44

Next time he says it, say great I'll give your number as contact to the school then and when do you want to come sign the medical authority form as you'll need them when I'm at work and you're in the hospital.

And smile sweetly

Or tell him to fuck off

Highlander · 21/03/2013 16:52

You could divide the childcare 50%. (You're on call for emergencies on the days you're not working; your DH is on call when you're at work). Not easy, I know. DH acts like a petulant brat when I remind him of his respnsibilities.

I say that, of course, knowing nothing of your family's mechanics and the severity of your DD's disability.

flowery · 21/03/2013 16:58

Well it is a choice but in your case it sounds like a very sensible one. But even if you had no reason other than it was what you preferred, that's still no reason to think you need to justify it to your family unless they are funding it.

I'm struggling to envisage a situation where my BIL would think it was his place to comment tbh.

HollyBerryBush · 21/03/2013 16:59

You may be a SAHP, but you will also be receiving DLA and carers allowance.

EasilyBored · 21/03/2013 17:08

You're a carer, not a SAHP, just say that next time.

Or just tell him to fuck off since it's none of his business.

Crawling · 21/03/2013 17:27

YANBU I have a severly autistic dd and no one but me or dp will mind her.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 21/03/2013 17:41

YANBU.

I was a sahm because we were in the remote western highlands with one car.

Nobody gave me grief over it, but I went a bit crazy. Sad

Crawling · 21/03/2013 17:43

Hollyberry Im confused Whats your point?

thebody · 21/03/2013 17:46

Holly not sure of your point.

HollyBerryBush · 21/03/2013 17:47

Sorry I hit return and wandered off - the Op has a job - she's a carer

DublinMammy · 21/03/2013 17:56

Tell him to mind his own business and don't justify yourself to h

DublinMammy · 21/03/2013 17:57

.....im!!!

DublinMammy · 21/03/2013 17:57

Sorry, too trigger-happy!

Owllady · 21/03/2013 18:02

I get this as well. I have a severely disabled dd (sld/physical disabilities/autism/complex medical needs) and my family who offer nothing in the way of support refer to me as a lady of leisure Angry and when i did work, which was part time all the time I have had my children (13 years) until the November last year, it was referred to as my 'little job' Hmm

marjproops · 21/03/2013 18:02

YANBU and Im in exactly the same boat as you.
Im a fulltime carer, DC has same hospital and medical needs as yours.

I did used to do voluntary work when she went to scool but always had to drop what i was doing whenever i was called in for her mealtdowns (1 reason im not just a sahm a fulltime Carer AND a home tutor!)

so dont you let ANYONE tell you you're anything less, OP, you ARE working fulltime.

As i always say, 168 hour week, no holidays. you stick to your guns!

marjproops · 21/03/2013 18:03

Oh for flip sake Marj WHEN are you gonna learn to proofread before sending? Meltdowns. school.

Owllady · 21/03/2013 18:05

I don't think people have any understanding that it is a 24 hour commitment as well and whilst i was in my 20s it was easier to go without sleep for several days at a time and then go to work, not I am getting older I really cannot function and something has to give. The physical pressure of having to support someone all the time really is difficult too. I sometimes hurt my back and shoulders, arms, I get bruised and bitten and so forth from attacks. I sometimes need to sleep in the day and recover when she is at school

No-one gets that do they? My family don't even understand so how can i expect anyone else to?

NC78 · 21/03/2013 18:05

Don't let him talk to you like that! YANBU

Owllady · 21/03/2013 18:08

Highlander, I think with a child with a severe disability or chronic illness it is often necessary for one person to take on the bulk of the caring whilst the other one works. It is also an unfortunate commonality that Mothers are often left on their own bringing up children with such additional needs because the Father can't cope Confused

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/03/2013 18:09

I'm a sahp and although I don't have children with any illnesses, I don't have any childcare outside of school and I don't think I'd earn enough to cover childcare costs and make a significant difference to our joint income. It would have to be a bloody significant difference to justify me having to go to work and cover our childcare costs as well, and I'm just never going to earn that sort of money. We get by alright so it would be for luxuries and I don't think it's worth the hassle.

Funnily enough I always assumed if go back to work after the children went to school. It was never an assumption forced on me by anyone else, I just thought I would. Can't see how it would be practical.