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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH a selfish twunt?

109 replies

Pontouf · 21/03/2013 16:06

I am 37+5 with my second child so unreasonableness comes as standard with the swelling, discomfort, general fed-upness.

However, DH booked our summer holiday today. I have been feeling pretty low, am so ready for this pregnancy to be finished and am finding it hard work being his pregnant and spending all day with my very lively (although admittedly generally very sweet) 2.4yo DS. This hasn't been the easiest pregnancy - morning sickness till 30 weeks, pluerisy over Christmas which went on and on. So, I was really happy that the holiday was books and was going to give me something to focus on after the baby comes.

Anyway, I when DH texted me to say it was booked I replied saying "Yay! So excited!". He responded saying, "Great, while you're in a good mood just wanted to let you know I've invited the lads over for the weekend of your birthday, hope that's ok. Love you, bye xxx".

DH has a group of friends who are scattered over the country. They don't see much of each other but tend to meet up for whole weekends about 3 times a year either in a holiday cottage or at one of their houses. They generally get drunk and play games. They are all in their early 30s. I have no problem with these weekends away in general, I like these blokes a lot and DH always has a great time.

However, the weekend of my birthday is 6 weeks after my due date. I replied with a slightly hysterical "What?! You've invited the lads to stay at our house when we'll have a 6 week old baby? And it's my birthday? And you didn't think that maybe you should discuss with me first?" he responded saying that he thought that as my birthday was actually on the friday, we could do something then and maybe I might like to go and stay at my Mum's for the weekend? My Mum lives 150 miles away and the journey involves a large section of the M25.

Soooo AIBU to think that a) organising a lads weekend for a time when we will have a 6 week old baby is fairly shitty, b) that inviting the lads to have the weekend at our house so that me, my DS and the baby will have to all leave for the duration is particularly shitty, especially when the journey to my Mum's is potentially 4-5 hours with a baby who will be BFing every 2-3 hours and a toddler who hates long car journeys and i will be doing it on my own. And c) that it shows a total lack of care about my birthday to do it that weekend anyway? Point C is probably debatable as it is not an important birthday and I am a big girl but I had hoped that I might have a little bit of a fuss made when I will have just borne his second child?!

I have responded to the latest text with a simple "we can talk about it we you get home". I am getting more and more angry about it as the day goes on though and just want to check that I am not in the middle of some hormonal red mist! Thanks for managing to get to the end of this epic post if indeed you have....

OP posts:
Original poster
Pontouf · 21/03/2013 17:02

Yeah the "while you're in a good mood" pissed me off too. I think he probably will back down. He won't be back till 9ish tonight cos he's playing football, but will try to have a calm discussion with him then.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/03/2013 17:04

What a rude bastard! Why did he think that weekend would be a good time? I think you'd be entitled to be pissed off if he was going away for your birthday weekend OR six weeks after your due date for an event that could happen any time. But with both those factors AND you're expected to leave the house along with the baby? Has he mentioned your older child at all? Or just assumed he'll be going with you as well?

He's clearly just got carried away in wanting to say yes to his mates and is now too embarrassed to withdraw the offer and is fronting it out to everyone. My friend once invited me to stay with him and his wife a month after her due date with baby no.1 - I declined! If his mates know what's what they will decline too. Do his friends have kids or is he the only "grown up"?

Chockyeggpants · 21/03/2013 17:10

Today's Cunt of the Day.

RightUpMyRue · 21/03/2013 17:12

Twunty twunt McTwunterson of the highest order.

Inertia · 21/03/2013 17:13

Completely unforgiveable on his part.

The response needed is " of course I'll go and celebrate my birthday with mum, assuming I have recovered sufficiently to drive. You'll need to keep the lads weekend fairly sedate though, being as you'll have DS and baby to look after " .

flossy101 · 21/03/2013 17:15

YANBU!

Definitely show him this thread when he gets in.

akaemmafrost · 21/03/2013 17:17

Oh that's beyond selfish twat Angry.

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 17:18

You think he'll back down?

He has just

1 invited people to stay in your home without asking

2 told you to make yourself scarce

3 presumed you would do all the childcare that weekend without discussion.

Even if this wasn't happening when you were going to have a newborn baby to look after, he'd still be an enormous twat.

He doesn't get to "back down".

He made an offer he wasn't entitled to make.

Just tell him you're going nowhere and he will be on toddler duty that weekend.

YouTheCat · 21/03/2013 17:26

So what if you end up with a section and go overdue? You won't be able to drive for a start and you will still be recovering anyway.

Even if you have a VBAC you'll still be recovering.

Tell him to bugger off and book a cottage with his mates.

Goldmandra · 21/03/2013 17:26

Ask him whether he has really thought through the idea that you could get in the car with a new baby and a toddler, possibly still in pain post-birth, almost certainly sleep deprived and drive his precious family on motorways for four or five hours. During that time the baby and the toddler could very well become fractious and start crying further affecting your ability to concentrate and drive safely. Then you'd need to do it all over again to get home.

Is a weekend getting drunk with the lads really worth taking that risk?

If her really wants to do it that much he would be better taking a couple of days off work, one to drive you there and drive home and the other to collect you after the weekend. Will it still seem like a good idea then?

Make him think this through and come to his own more grown-up conclusion.

Goldmandra · 21/03/2013 17:27

Oh and you would, of course, need a guarantee that you would come back to a spotless house as you won't have the time or energy to clean up after them Smile

DoJo · 21/03/2013 17:40

I don't even understand why this is something that is already organised without you having had any input? It just doesn't make sense to me that someone who shares their life and their home with another person would make arrangements without even considering the other person, let alone all the complete twattishness around the baby, your birthday and the assumption that you'll leave the house for a weekend.

And nothingisnothing it's not that 'men don't think' or even that 'they do, but mostly about themselves.' This one man is treating his wife like shit - being a man has nothing to do with it. Being a twat on the other hand...

Pandemoniaa · 21/03/2013 17:44

I was going to say it was a bit of a bloody cheek to invite them all to yours for that weekend and then I read that he expects you, your ds and newborn to absent yourselves from your own house! Bollocks to that, I'd say! Where do some men leave their brains when arranging their social lives?

MrsHoarder · 21/03/2013 17:45

Has he considered that you will still be bleeding and liable to be in pain? It was only 5 weeks after DS's due date (2.5 weeks after his actual birth) that I managed to drive a short distance on my own.

Is he just in denial about the newborn period? Trying to pretend to himself that it doesn't impact on life that much maybe because he's getting scared? Trying to be generous here...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 21/03/2013 17:47

I would be saying great idea. Me and the baby will go to my mum's for the weekend and you will stay here with our son. Great. I'll call her now.

Bloody nerve of him to try to boot the three of you out of your home for the weekend so he can fill it with his mates.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 21/03/2013 17:48

Hahahahahaha!!

Shock oh, what?! He wasn't joking, and actually thought this would be ok? Wow!

My dh has episodes of thoughtlessness, but would not even consider such a stupid thing.

YADNBU!

DumSpiroSpero · 21/03/2013 17:50

Well he's being a total pillock if he's already seen what c-section recovery involves and is suggesting you do that drive.

I'm still reserving judgement on level of pillockness in case he has just has a case of 'referred baby brain'. If he's seriously expecting this to happen he needs his butt kicked.

Original poster
Pontouf · 21/03/2013 17:52

Yes I was pissed off that it was presented as a fait acomplis too. It's really unlike him. Usually we discuss everything before plans are made. We have always been equal partners. He and his mates do all email each other a fair bit from work so it may be that there was a discussion and he got carried away. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I am so pissed off!

To be totally honest things have been slightly fractious between us in the last few days. I have been quite emotional and snappy about things and he has had to pick up the slack around the house a lot because I'm so tired. He is quite stressed with work stuff and had to get up with DS at 5.30 this morning. A tiny bit of me feels a bit like this a punishment? Like he's getting back at me and showing me that it's not all about me, whether consciously or not. I may be doing him a massive disservice though.

OP posts:
bigkidsdidit · 21/03/2013 18:03

you could potentially be 4 weeks post section. Could you even drive in that case?

Purplemonster · 21/03/2013 18:05

If he sees the error of his ways, apologises and immediately cancels then chalk it up to manly stupidity and forgive his idiocy. If he still wants to do it when you've explained he's being a twat then you're well within your rights to murder him and bury him under the patio. Not a jury in the land with a woman on it would convict you.

Original poster
Pontouf · 21/03/2013 18:05

Nope. Well I couldn't last time.

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 21/03/2013 18:07

Twuntarama!

YANBU. He's lost his marbles, what a thoughtless man.

NC78 · 21/03/2013 18:07

That's twatty! YANBU

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/03/2013 18:28

You think he'll back down? He has no choice, the answer is no, end of discussion.

MooseBeTimeForCoffee · 21/03/2013 18:38

He is a twunt.

Can I just add that if you're not cleared as fit to drive then you are probably invalidating your car insurance if you do drive. Would he take you and bring you back? I very much doubt it.