to think it's inappropriate for DD to share a bed/room with a boy twice her age?

[princessj29]

DD is only just 5. She sees her father every other weekend. He has a girlfriend who has a ten year old brother who often sleeps over when DD is there. Her father bought a bunk bed for her room with a double bed on the bottom, which she says they usually share. There is another spare room in the house so no need for them to share rooms let alone beds IMO. She spoke about his 'bits pointing up' when he woke last week and I feel very uncomfortable about them sharing a bed/room. AIBU?

[airforce1]

Does anyone want THAT for their DS? it might be interesting to find out the opinion of the boy's mother. OP, don't meant to diss you, sorry if any offence, but 2 mums here might have the same concerns about their DCs.

[seeker]

I agree- obviously this is not a situation that should continue. Because of the films. Because the boy wants his privacy. Not because the 5 year old is in danger of being abused.

[airforce1]

And what if the 5 year old wets the bed? Blood siblings are used to the fuss, the 10 year old would be v embarassed and feel awkward. OP, that might be a good tack to use - fill up DD on ribena just before she goes off to stAy.

[pigletmania]

Because it is seeker, situation can be misconstrued, the girl obviously is uncomfrtable telling her mum about it, and that she can see his bits, and he is becoming embarrassed and self conscious. Not right really

[gotthemoononastick]

Please do not allow this to go on...I am old now and come from generations of extra -vigilant women.Do not know why myself ,but sleepovers and even games like hiding go seek in big old houses with mixed age groups were anathema to my grandmother and mother.I fully encourage the paranoid agenda as does my daughter now thank goodness.Regret is awful.

[princessj29]

Thanks for your replies. It does put them both in a vulnerable position, what if he accidentally touched her bottom then she said to me he's touching her bum etc. There's just no need to put either of them a situation where there could be problems. I'm going to speak to nspcc this afternoon for advice, email ex so there's a record I've asked for it to stop then if it hasn't after next contact he'll have to have day contact only and take me to court.

[QuickLookBusy]

Good plan princess.

[airforce1]

And Childline - don't forget them.

[AThingInYourLife]

"I find the characterization of a 10 year old boy as a potential abuser deeply problematic."

He is a potential abuser.

You can't surely be saying that it is impossible that a ten year old boy would abuse a younger child?

Some ten year olds are starting (very innocent) explorations of kissing, sexual display, touching.

As I said earlier, an old boyfriend of mine and a childhood friend of his thought they had sex when they were 9. What they did is not clear, but in involved genitals.

If the girl had been 5 years younger rather than a peer, what happened would have been abusive.

The disparity in size, strength, development and understanding would turn something innocent into something exploitative.

That's why both children are vulnerable here.

They are not siblings or cousins with a longstanding relationship.

Leaving them unsupervised together in a bed for hours is not on.

On the most basic level, presuming there is nothing sexual happening, it is not fair to ask a ten year old to have no privacy in front of a much younger, non-related child.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

I was going to post to say text/email him about the bedroom situation so that when he replies you have proof, but have just seen you are going to do that. YANBU. It's not fair on your dc or the boy.

[valiumredhead]

However, I do find the idea that a 10 year old boy cannot be trusted not to abuse a 5 year old girl appalling


Quite!

I often wonder if people who post about 'abusers' and 'puberty striking at any minute' actually have 10 year old boys or any experience of them at all for that matter...

[shesariver]

I do agree that its innapropriate but find the statement that its abusive a bit of an over reaction, why do you think its abusive bunnies?

I would find it more concerning OP that your ex cant see its innapropriate really!

[somewhereaclockisticking]

It's about the safety and provacy of both children. Of course the op is just concerned about her DD - her DD is her responsibility and the boy is the responsibilty of his mother who probably knows nothing about it as the boy is staying with his sister - maybe the reason he's with his sister is because his own mum doesn't want him around. You never know what is going on in some peoples' lives - but whatever reason there is no need to share rooms when there is a spare room - they don't need a bed - a futon or blow up mattress is fine although I'm sure the bunk beds could be taken apart and used as two single beds. The boy needs his privacy but is probably too scared to say anyting to his sister in case he's then not allowed to visit. I think DD should kick up such a fuss and tantrum that she simply refuses to share a room and then both kids will hopefully get the privacy they deserve.

[Chandon]

Yes, agree with what seeker said here.

I have to add that I find it a bit hysterical to treat all men, including 10 year old boys, as potential rapists. As a mum of boys that view just depresses the hell out of me.

[AThingInYourLife]

Would you let a 5 year old share a bed with a 15 year old brother of her Dad's girlfriend?

I imagine most parents would not.

Why?

The vast, vast majority of 15 year old boys wouldn't dream of sexually abusing a little girl.

But some would. And you don't know who they are.

But the situation with a 10 year old is way more complicated.

Things a 10 year can do with his friends of his own age (and some 10 year olds are doing this stuff, although by no means all) such as showing genitals, open mouth kissing, dry humping etc would not be OK with a much smaller child.

But how is a 10 year old child supposed to understand that?

The reason this is so risky is that something could be done innocently that would be frightening to the smaller child. She could be coerced into doing things that upset her without any intention on his part to coerce.

It's putting him in a situation with a much younger child where he inadvertently does something that he later finds out was very wrong.

Nobody is saying the child is a predator.

Just a bigger, stronger, more mature child in bed alone all night with a very vulnerable little girl. Because her selective mutism does make her more vilulnerable.

[pigletmania]

Yes exactly rice ss it puts them both in a vulnerable situation. What if tey are lying in bed together and he turns over and his willy comes in contact with op dd body. What If then op dd tells her mum or teacher that she touched 'Toby's 'willy, what situation does that put 'toby' in. Good plan princess. I am a mum to a ds and dd and sadly this is the sign of the times and this day and age. This is a bad situation to put both children in and Visits should stop until the situation is rectified. I would stop visits at the moment to show your ex you are serious and can't be fobbed off

[pigletmania]

Exactly athing I totally agree

[seeker]

"But how is a 10 year old child supposed to understand that?"

Because 10 year olds are not stupid.

[AThingInYourLife]

No, 10 year olds are not stupid.

But they are (mostly) prebuscent and don't tend to have a nuanced, sophisticated understanding of sexuality. To put it mildly.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

I think the 10 yo is very unlikely to do anything - but it's especially unfair on him to have to change in the bathroom, apart from anything else. If there was nowhere else for one of them to sleep AND they were in separate bunkbeds, then fair enough, but this situation is just weird. Why on earth aren't they in different rooms? Why are they sharing the double bed when there's a perfectly good bunk?

[seeker]

But they know not to hurt a 5 year old.

[Floggingmolly]

You're determined to see no wrong in this, Seeker. When your dd was 5 years old, would you have done this?

[AThingInYourLife]

Of course they know not to hurt a 5 year old.

But that only stops them from doing things they know will hurt a 5 year old.

There are lots of things he could do to her in bed that she could be traumatised by and he could think they were fine.

It's unlikely, but it's possible. And they both need to be protected from that.

[OneLieIn]

As the mum of a 10 yr old boy, he and his mates are massively immature. They are becoming self aware, more in a "I'm embarrassed" way than anything else.

How would I feel about a 5 year old female relative (or similar) sharing a bed? I would be a bit uncomfortable with it, not because I think anything would happen, but because I just think everyone should have their own space and the message it sends out is clear.

When dd was aged 5 there would have been no way on earth I would have let her share a bed with a cousin or similar. A room yes, a bed no.