to conclude that I am officially too fat to live

[Mitchy1nge]

after my foot just went straight through a floorboard?

Or you have woodworm

I'm sure the floorboard was rotten and you're actually really sylph-like .

warning op, warning.

i hope that you have not damaged yourself.

argh is not my week, am collecting ridiculous injuries

actually someone did say 'did you know these floorboards are rotten?' earlier

could I get some sort of barbaric rug to cover them?

BARIATRIC obviously not barbaric

on the plus side the new hole in the floor could be a highly convenient ashtray

snort at barbaric rug - has it got razor blade pile?

I like the sound of a barbaric rug...

at barbaric and ashtray!

WTF is a bariatric rug ? Or am I just being really thick?

mmmm I think I would quite like a barbarian in my bedroom

well I sent a pic to a builder friend and he says 'you are not fat, it is woodworm, look at all those little holes' so hooray on the one hand and motherFUCKERS on the other

oh he says not to use it as an ashtray

well you can get bariatric chairs and stuff so I thought maybe a bariatric rug could bear my weight and might be cheaper than new floorboards?

Fill the hole with water and stick your feet in whilst sipping a cocktail and flicking through the holiday channels.

Might as well make the most of it

see? but no rugs

worra are you having a laugh? It's minus FIVE and no heating (yet, but soon!)

Ok, swap the cocktail for a fishing rod and dress as a penguin.

Just adapt to your surroundings

awwwww can I be a polar bear instead? Might feel a bit cosier in all that fluffy white fur

and hope my imaginary barbarian is up for a bit of bestiality

hello! I like the stealthy ones

be careful where you shuffle, obviously

so do they all have to be changed? They are really old and big and nice (apart from the crumbly areas), or does someone just spray them or do I just get a carpet or what?

Think of the hole in the floor as a life saving Zombie Trap, in the even of the Zombie Apocalypse happening tonight.
You and your loved ones will remain secure and safe, while the undead hordes plummet to eternal groaning in your new basement space. In the winter you can pick them off one by one and use them as a handy fuel source, thus making them useful and keeping your family warm and toasty

that is what I call positive thinking!

although my Zombie Plan was always to join them, so I could get out in the fresh air and exercise instead of hiding underground eating canned food, but yeah, I like it

what are woodworms, they're not actual creatures are they? Is just decay?

wood·worm

/ˈwo͝odˌwərm/
Noun
The worm or larva of a beetle that bores into wood.
The damaged condition of wood resulting from infestation with this larva.

OK don't shoot the messenger!!