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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School has just rung me..................................

108 replies

SlowlyWakingUp · 20/03/2013 14:05

DS2 (Yr6)went on a short school trip this morning. His teacher has just rung me to tell me that he 'misbehaved' on the coach so therefore they are deciding whether he should miss out a larger whole day school trip tomorrow which he has been very excited about. There is a big possibility he will not go apparently.

Now I would normally agree with the school as to any punishments for bad behaviour but I am not sure about this. I have never been informed of any behaviour issues on previous school trips and have not been aware of any issues in class previous to this. It's all very sudden and seems quite harsh. His teacher could not clarify what the bad behaviour was as she was not on the coach. Apparently it was not that he got out of his seat but just 'misbehaviour'.

Last week we were given a possible diagnosis of ADD for him which we will have to wait months for the 'official' diagnosis and which I wanted investigated before he starts secondary school due to his learning difficulties and is something I had always suspected. School are having none of it and in the 6 years he has been there, he has been labelled a nuisance IMO.

I have to see the teacher after school for their decision. WIBU to argue on his behalf if it's a NO?

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 20/03/2013 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catz1 · 20/03/2013 15:55

Why don't you join him on the school trip?

LeeCoakley · 20/03/2013 16:06

Is it possible he has damaged the coach in some way (e.g. felt pen all over the seats) and the coach company are saying that they won't take him tomorrow? Maybe the school are trying to negotiate and that's why they are being a bit vague.

Lueji · 20/03/2013 16:08

Could you ring them and ask what the actually behaviour was?

And offer to punish him at home?

exoticfruits · 20/03/2013 16:12

You can't take a child on a trip if they are going to be badly behaved-it isn't safe. I would offer to go with him and keep him under control.

TSSDNCOP · 20/03/2013 16:21

I agree. Offer to go and supervise him, that way the school don't need to worry about him getting over-excited and creating a risk.

BUT depending on what he did today, it may well be that a punishment will be necessary. Maybe you could be wily and negotiate that whilst the school compromises and lets him go on the trip with you in attendance.

Strangemagic · 20/03/2013 16:21

^^^ How do you predict when any child is going to be naughty,should we tell parents of NT kids they have to go just to be on the safe side.

TSSDNCOP · 20/03/2013 16:38

Going on my own child who's being assessed currently, his behaviour is likely to be sub-optimal when taken out of his usual day-to-day. This can manifest itself in many ways, not necessarily "naughty" but ways that will require more teacher attention. This at the possible risk to another child.

So if I can I go on the school trips. Fairer all round on the staff and kids, and means DS has increased 1:1 attention in surroundings that might gee him up.

babybythesea · 20/03/2013 16:47

I'm someone else who thinks that it depends on what he's done and so what the school are worried about.

There are massive safety implications in taking a group of children out on a trip if one is going to be unpredictable. He may well have ADD but if it's not yet diagnosed there is no extra funding or whatever to deal with this as he won't qualify for any kind of school-provided support worker. Which means they stand the chance of taking a child who could cause massive problems for them, without any extra hands to help them manage this, which means the other kids potentially have their trips compromised.

I work somewhere where we get a lot of school trips, teaching the groups. Children with SEN need a lot of extra supervision. We had one lad who came with no learning difficulties as such, but with a tendency to 'bolt'. He had an adult assigned just to him, so that someone was free to chase him if he took off without leaving the others in the group unattended. It's that kind of thing that people also need to consider, apart from the fact that if his behaviour is a bit unpredictable then the trip might throw up safety issues for him too.

It can already be tricky to get enough parents etc who are willing/able to help in order to run trips. If they are concerned about some kind of safety issue (his or the others on the trip), would offering to go too be an option?

Original poster
SlowlyWakingUp · 20/03/2013 16:55

Well what an anti-climax.

The behaviour was silliness on the bus, i.e., shouting to each other, waving hands etc all while seated Hmm, DS as well as other boys whose parents all got the same phone call Hmm. I was under the impression it was JUST DS but it was not. Over excitement of being on a coach with schoolpals. Behaviour at the activity was 'excellent'. FFS

Tad of an over reaction or what! As he behaved in the afternoon at school, they have decided to let him go.

AIBU to mightily pissed off that they stressed me out imagining bare bottoms out of coach windows, or graffiti over seats, for absolutely NOTHING!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 20/03/2013 16:56

Oh well. At least he wasn't doing anything terrible, it wasn't just him and he gets to go anyway.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 20/03/2013 16:59

God, is that all? As someone who regularly accompanies children on school trips, I would say your Ds's behaviour is par for the course. What a fuss about nothing!

babybythesea · 20/03/2013 17:01

How do you predict when any child is going to be naughty,should we tell parents of NT kids they have to go just to be on the safe side.

No, obviously not. But in this case he's clearly done something or they wouldn't have phoned, and it is clearly bad enough to warrant possible exclusion from tomorrow's trip. An NT kid who caused this level of concern would probably also be excluded from the next trip - I've seen that happen plenty of times before.
However, the OP said she thinks he has SEN. In which case, maybe you need to be a bit more flexible to accomodate 'bad' behaviour, but you need to do this without impacting others (either their learning opportunities or their safety). So rather than penalising him for potentially having ADD, you offer a solution (you go too).

You can't have it both ways. Either he has ADD, which may help to explain his behaviour, in which case extra support needs to be available, and as there isn't funding as he isn't diagnosed, the OP will have to at least offer to provide it.
Or he doesn't have ADD in which case he was really badly behaved and maybe exclusion from this trip will teach him that actions have consequences. You don't ask parents of NT kids to go 'just incase' because you assume that they know how to behave. If you want allowances made for the potential SEN you need to accept that you might have to make allowances too, like helping out on the trip. If you want him treated the same as the other NT kids, then he doesn't get to go because of his behaviour.

We don't know what he did. Suppose he threw something at the driver while on a busy stretch of road? I very much doubt though that the school will have said this without good reason.

babybythesea · 20/03/2013 17:04

Sorry - previous answer was in response to strangemagics post.

In the meantime, it has been shown to be all a rather pathetic storm in a teacup.

I wonder if part of it was that they'd already been asked to be quiet and in the end threatened with 'we'll phone your parents and you might not be able to go tomorrow if you can't behave....' and then they felt they had to carry that through. Who knows. Does sound a bit stupid though.

soverylucky · 20/03/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 20/03/2013 17:10

Presumably they don't want a repeat of this tomorrow and are asking parents to reinforce the need for good behaviour.

Hulababy · 20/03/2013 17:10

Sounds to me like the intended punishment for the children was to be in limbo this afternoon and to have their parents know about their poor behaviour on today's trip.

The coach behaviour does have to be contained because it can be very distracting for the coach driver. If an accident occurred as a result of the driver being distracted, then it would still be the driver getting hauled over the coals. So often, ime, drivers ask and expect teachers to ensure the children behave appropriately and not loudly.

I assume the boys know that parents were called and that there was a possibility they would miss tomorrow's trip?

If so then that thought over the afternoon is probably enough to ensure more sensible behaviour tomorrow.

HappilyChatterly · 20/03/2013 17:15

It sounds like they were overreacting, probably to make sure they behave better tomorrow. Messing around on the bus isn't extreme bad behaviour but if there are as few of them and they wont settle down it is a massive ball ache. Especially at the end of a trip.

Hulababy · 20/03/2013 17:16

SlowlyWakingUp - I would follow up what school have said and remind him to be on best behaviour tomorrow.

jamdonut · 20/03/2013 17:18

Maybe the coach driver complained? We went a trip where children were a bit,well, boisterous,but not out of seats or anything and the coach driver complained he was distracted by the noise and movement!

So the children had to sit silently for the rest of the trip.Hmm

NorthernLurker · 20/03/2013 17:19

It sounds like there was sombody on the coach who do with some additional training in getting a grip.

I asked a question lower down about how exclusion would help his behaviour and the answer (of course) given is that it's a deterrant. But we know that a deterrant effect won't work for everybody - or why would our prisons contain so many re-offenders? Just seems depressing to me that was the school's knnee jerk response.

Pandemoniaa · 20/03/2013 17:24

It would have been a great deal more helpful, OP, if the school had been clearer about what had happened and had included the information that your DS and several other boys had behaved badly on today's trip. Because it sounds like silliness brought about by over-excitement rather than any dreadful crime. Also, you could have been better prepared to reinforce the school's message about needing to behave appropriately on the coach. I can see the school's point but it could all have been handled better.

lljkk · 20/03/2013 17:37

Update, OP? yanbu, by the way. Hope it wasn't anything too terrible, always upsetting when your kids let you down.

lljkk · 20/03/2013 17:38

oops, crosspost, forgot to update thread. Glad it wasn't anything too bad.

Timetoask · 20/03/2013 17:42

Op, it may well be that the school is trying to implement a zero tolerance on bad behaviour. I really think you just need to avoid showing your child that you think the school over-reacted, you need to support the school.