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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School has just rung me..................................

108 replies

SlowlyWakingUp · 20/03/2013 14:05

DS2 (Yr6)went on a short school trip this morning. His teacher has just rung me to tell me that he 'misbehaved' on the coach so therefore they are deciding whether he should miss out a larger whole day school trip tomorrow which he has been very excited about. There is a big possibility he will not go apparently.

Now I would normally agree with the school as to any punishments for bad behaviour but I am not sure about this. I have never been informed of any behaviour issues on previous school trips and have not been aware of any issues in class previous to this. It's all very sudden and seems quite harsh. His teacher could not clarify what the bad behaviour was as she was not on the coach. Apparently it was not that he got out of his seat but just 'misbehaviour'.

Last week we were given a possible diagnosis of ADD for him which we will have to wait months for the 'official' diagnosis and which I wanted investigated before he starts secondary school due to his learning difficulties and is something I had always suspected. School are having none of it and in the 6 years he has been there, he has been labelled a nuisance IMO.

I have to see the teacher after school for their decision. WIBU to argue on his behalf if it's a NO?

OP posts:
FabOeufsFromLaChocolateries · 20/03/2013 14:34

Sometimes you just don't have the energy to argue with people who trot out utter shite and then don't listen to your arguments anyway.

Today is one of those days :)

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2013 14:35

(someone will have to stay and supervise him so they won't exclude him from the outing lightly).

It's more likely to be the other way around. It's easy to leave a child behind - they'll just put him in with another class for the day.

Harder to find a suitable chaperone for him for the day if they are worried about his behaviour on a trip.

Original poster
SlowlyWakingUp · 20/03/2013 14:37

Your child doesn't have a 'possible' diagnosis...the person you saw isn't entitled to diagnose anything. Er I think the doctor we saw would disagree with you. It has taken us 2 years of appointments with a different doctor every time to get to where we are now.

100% sure there were no knives, mooning or swearing involved.

OP posts:
Quenelle · 20/03/2013 14:38

I wouldn't just accept it without a proper explanation of what he had done wrong. How would I be able to justify the punishment to him otherwise?

meditrina · 20/03/2013 14:39

Well, until OP comes back with information on whether this is proposed because his behaviour posed an 11th hour safety issue, or whether his behaviour was so extreme that a punishment of this scale might be considered, or if there is some other possibility; then this is just going to go round in circles.

I agree with tiggytape: the school is unlikely to have rung unless there was something pretty serious going on.

JaquelineHyde · 20/03/2013 14:39

No one can comment on this until we actually know what has happened.

He may have done something hideously dangerous in which case he should be excluded from the school trip whether he has a diagnosis or not.

He may have done something minor which you believe is connected with ADD and then only you and you alone know whether you should challenge this.

or

He may have repeatedly done something 'naughty' (shock horror yes I dare use the word because even children with specific conditions are capable of being naughty) over and over again and therefore may have to learn his lesson the hard way.

Arguing about the rights and wrongs without knowing what has happened is just ridiculous!

CloudsAndTrees · 20/03/2013 14:39

Schools do not leave children out of trips lightly. They are very very unlikely to leave a child out of a trip if they aren't fully justified.

scottishmerlottish · 20/03/2013 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2013 14:46

I agree clouds.
When i said it's easy to leave a child behind i meant in a practical sense. Not that it's an easy decision to take. Just to be clear.

tiggytape · 20/03/2013 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woodsies1975 · 20/03/2013 14:49

*(someone will have to stay and supervise him so they won't exclude him from the outing lightly).

It's more likely to be the other way around. It's easy to leave a child behind - they'll just put him in with another class for the day.*

Didn't the op say it's a whole school trip? That ^ won't be possible if that's the case.

OP - is there any way you can go on the trip too? Perhaps the school might feel happier if you are there to support him and then you can see for yourself?

scottishmerlottish · 20/03/2013 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenny70 · 20/03/2013 14:50

So how did the teacher leave it? Are they planning to meet with you before the trip decision? Is she waiting on coach to come back to get the facts?

I am slightly confused as to why they called you (other than to stress you out). Either she knows what happened and agrees in the decision not to take him tomorrow (not just the person on the coach losing their rag and saying he can't go tomorrow after doing XYZ). Or she doesn't know what happened on the coach and has no idea if missing the trip tomorrow is appropriate.

Assuming YOU weren't a helper on the coach who could add any first hand account, why ring you now?

I would probably agree he shouldn't go if he's done something that is a serious safety breach - pulling emergency stop handle, opening emergency exit window, throwing stuff out the window at other cars. I can see how the safety of the class has to be considered.

But if he was pinching someone's hat, turning around in his seat, not listening to teacher on coach, then these are minor issues that shouldn't result in a major punishment.

dayshiftdoris · 20/03/2013 14:51

I have a child with SEN and when his behaviour is not appropriate I expect there to be consequences.

Work to change the behaviour is a more long term goal but he's not allowed to behave badly whilst that work is undertaken.
Inevitably he does unfortunately behave badly and we whilst we understand for everyones safety & sanity we deal with it.

Infact I was in a similar situation yesterday and I supported school 100%

meditrina · 20/03/2013 14:54

Maybe they rang to ensure they can talk to her at pick up time today? And therefore had to give some sort of reason why this was necessary.

cumfy · 20/03/2013 14:54

Hope you find out what happened.

tiggytape · 20/03/2013 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2013 15:00

"whole day school trip" woodsie, not whole school day trip ConfusedGrin

The OP offering to go along is a good idea though.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 20/03/2013 15:04

dayshiftdoris

You talk a lot of sense.

MissPants · 20/03/2013 15:05

Am I reading this correctly in that you are awaiting diagnosis of ADHD in addition to already existing severe learning difficulties?

If so then even discounting the potential diagnosis of ADHD the school should be providing support to ensure that OP's DS is adequately supervised and his behaviour is managed. It isn't right that any child should be excluded from activities on the basis of SEN.

Whether this be a TA who attends trips with DS on a one to one basis or other measures, I know a few schools who do such things to ensure children with SEN can take part in activities safely.

ilovecolinfirth · 20/03/2013 15:23

You need to find out what your child has done first. Even children with ADD need boundaries to be set if behaviour isn't up to scratch, because they need to be prepared for the real world where they're not continually protected.

Floggingmolly · 20/03/2013 15:31

If he's been a pita firm the past 6 years, then it not "all very sudden" at all, is it?

MimiSunshine · 20/03/2013 15:31

I think it?s quite off that the school called you up to say he might be excluded from the trip with no explanation as to why? However I think the potential diagnoses of ADD is misdirection; SN children can be naughty just like any other.
To echo other posters I think you need to decide if he hasn?t really been in trouble before or if he has been labelled a nuisance? I think you need to separate things out into:
What happened on the coach and what is the appropriate punishment?
Does he misbehave on a regular basis and what is the appropriate response / punishment?
Does he have ADD and what is the most beneficial response? Is this influencing the above?

Its no good blurring the lines as he hasn?t been formally diagnosed and even when / if he is he will still require punishment when appropriate. You say Through Reception and Yr1/2, I was constantly getting called in for petty things. (Disclaimer - he never hurt anyone or damaged anything - just would 'not conform')! That basically sounds like a) you don?t fully support the schools behaviour code and b)he disrupts and mishaves fairly often, can you imagine trying to teach a class of 30 kids while one acts up like this, how on earth is one teacher meant to spread themselves that wide?
Do you know schools also try not to report on every ?little thing? to parents (they don?t want to be too negative) so what you?re being told may not even be full picture, one friend of mine has a disruptive child in her class and she doesn?t bother telling the parents when she is sworn at by the child as it happens so frequently.

Parents do have a responsibility to be part of the Childs education and you say School have put pressure on me to do more at home with him even though we never get anywhere and it usually ends in tears (mostly mine). Whilst your sons teachers are better skilled and have coping mechanisms in place it doesn?t mean that they don?t also feel like this with your child and go home in tears and stressed. No primary school wants to expel a child and will often put up with behaviour that would result in immediate explusion in high school but rather than battling against the school why not try and become a team to deal with this.

soverylucky · 20/03/2013 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 20/03/2013 15:43

Just can't say unless I know what he has done. It might be something that comes under the health and safety banner, in which case school would not be unreasonable to exclude him from the trip.

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