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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 21/03/2013 14:14

He has two Dad's. No wonder he's confused, and the names are such an issue for him. Whose idea was it to call his step dad "Dad"? Peculiar, when his real Dad is very much on the scene, is it not?

poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 14:19

It was DS's idea at a time when he was having minimal, if any contact with his bio Dad. You do the best in these situations, and at the time we decided it was better he had a Dad rather than not. Now he has two to spoil him...lucky him.

OP posts:
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 14:20

Did the father not travel to them?

OP posts:
Astley · 21/03/2013 14:27

In one case the 600 miles involved going to another European country. Which he does do, but cannot afford to do more than once a month. -

The 200 miles case the Father is in the army so if the ex doesn't want to play ball and allow him to see the child when he isn't working it becomes extreemly difficult.

MoominmammasHandbag · 21/03/2013 14:44

flogging in what universe is once a fortnight "very much on the scene"? Some people on this thread have bizarre ideas about what constitutes being a Dad.

Kendodd · 21/03/2013 14:49

I know changing the rest of the families names would be a massive hassle, but you're acting like some innocent wronged woman in this who only has this problem because your ex is a twat (which he may or may not be).

This problem is almost entirely of you own creation because you made poor decisions naming your children. Now I know you can't go back in time and make different decisions but I see no reason why you should be spared any hassle now.

You can stamp you foot all you like about your ex's immovability on this but the fact is you can do nothing to change it. The only thing in your power to do is change your own names. If you do this IMO you will solve the problem by taking a very mature stance and your ex will be able to do nothing about it.

poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 15:29

A massively hassle, and completely confusing... I have other children to consider in this and am baffled at so many posters taking the stance exDP's feelings have the priority over everyone elses

OP posts:
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 15:32

In fact I don't know why I'm arguing with strangers on the internet about this. I've had some useful (and ludicrous) suggestions, so I will leave with those to think about

OP posts:
OBface · 21/03/2013 15:56

You did post in AIBU Confused

valiumredhead · 21/03/2013 16:03

Possibly the father feels immense guilt over the break up and feels that his name is the only thing that he is able to give his son? Just another thought...

DIYapprentice · 21/03/2013 16:04

Op, have a look at this website changing a name without parental permission.

I agree with you, if your DS wants to change his name, he should be allowed to, particularly if your ex had little to do with him.

In a few years (I would think your DS would need to be over 10), you could get a court order - especially if he wanted to double barrel the name and not actually remove his father's name entirely. Can't see a court objecting to that, no matter how much your ex did.

valiumredhead · 21/03/2013 16:06

You can be known as any name you like as long as it's not on any legal documents btw.

CatPussInACrownOfThorns · 21/03/2013 16:16

flogging in what universe is once a fortnight "very much on the scene"? Some people on this thread have bizarre ideas about what constitutes being a Dad
My brother sees his sons as often as he can. Sometimes every weekend, sometimes every other. He loves his children with a passion. when he saperated from his wife, he moved a few miles down the road, and saw them as often as he and they wanted, because he was useful for childcare when she went off to work her cash in hand job. Hmm He did everything ExSIL asked, paid her debts off, gave her money, moved out of the property which had his name on it. Left himself with nothing so his children would rightly be well looked after.
She then moved suddenly, 70 miles away. He can now only see them when he doesnt work. He is trying to change his job, but finding it difficult. After paying her, he leaves himself nothing, and the petrol costs are crippling. She was the one who caused the problem and she is now throwing his lack of contact in his face. Her husband has actually suggested that DB bow out and let him raise them as his own. My poor brother is heart broken. He was not the cause of the marriage break up, and he has done nothing wrong. In my book my nephews couldnt have a better dad. He has done everything he can for them, without complaint from the day she left him.

Astley · 21/03/2013 16:32

If a mother wants to force the father out of her childrens lives it is actually not that hard to do. It doesn't happen over night, but it can and it does happen eventually.

OP has agreed to her son having '2 Dads' but its clear which one she really wants him to have. Eventually she'll get rid of her Ex all together and she'll have the nice, tidy family she wants.

CatPussInACrownOfThorns · 21/03/2013 16:46

Yup.

poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 16:56

Astly, and I've said before... if I didn't want exDP to see his DS, he wouldn't. It's as simple as that. So I don't know what your edge is, but you've got this wrong.

OP posts:
poxyfoxy · 21/03/2013 16:57

Thanks for the link DIY

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 21/03/2013 19:17

'If I didn't want exDP to see his DS, he wouldn't'. What does that mean? If it means you are encouraging a relationship between them then great. If it means you could stand in the way of exDP seeing his DS then that is an entirely different matter

Astley · 21/03/2013 19:20

It means she thinks of the relationship and something she can give and take away.

The whole attitude of allowing her son to call another man Dad and telling him she agrees with him about changing his name and doesn't understand his 'Dad's problem' hardly screams that she is supportive of the relationship....

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/03/2013 19:50

No it does not,the op has made it perfectly clear that she is the one who chases dad for contact during times he hasn't been bothered that if she didnt do that he wouldn't bother.

simplesusan · 21/03/2013 20:57

It's all well and good saying the biological father is of little use, the op took the decision to give her dc her ex's name.

Surely she should have also thought about consequences when she gave her second child her new partner's name. She knew then that dc1 would have a different name.

However. I really do think you can go around calling yourself what you like on an unofficial basis.

lunar1 · 21/03/2013 21:14

my brother changed his name to our step dads, he was 7 i was 10 and at the time he desperately wanted to. i refused to change and had to cope with the subtle but continuous pressure over it from my mum.

as an adult he cannot understand why this happened, when my mum tells him its what he wanted, he questioned why she thought a 7 year old could make an informed decision about his name.

He resents my mum for changing his name and we dont even have contact with our dad.

Myliferocks · 21/03/2013 21:21

I changed my surname from my dad's to my step dad's when I was 16 as I had been going through a rocky patch with my dad.
By the time I was 18 my dad and I had sorted out our problems and ever since I have regretted changing my name.

aurynne · 21/03/2013 22:13

I believe you are so blinded by your new family structure, poxyfoxy, that you are expecting understanding from your Ex-Dh when you are unable to give exactly the same understanding to him. Some of the examples we have given you are exactly the same situation, albeit reverted. Your "shocked and surprised reaction" proves you are really not being impartial. It is obviously NOT just a "name" problem, but one of inclusiveness and belonging, and it goes both ways. Until you realise this, you are not in the right position to make a fair, unbiased decision.

Staggered · 21/03/2013 22:14

This would almost be funny if it wasn't so horrific. I am fairly sure I'm the biological father in question, though many details have been changed by the OP. If I'm not, my experience may still be relevant.

Despite not being with my son's mother, I've been fully (and of course willingly) involved in his life since birth. She got together with her now-husband when my son was about one, though she didn't marry him until many years later. When he was around 3 or 4, I picked him up from nursery to discover that his name on his coat peg had been changed to her then-boyfriend's surname. Needless to say I got that reversed immediately, but since then she has carried out a systematic campaign of calling him by his now step-father's name while he's with her, especially since they had further children. She has put massive pressure on him by making it obvious that she wants his name to be changed - of course when she asks him he tells her what she wants to hear, which she then uses to try to justify changing it as she says it's what he wants and I'm being nasty and horrible for not letting him change it. What he tells me is of course completely different. A couple of years ago (he's older than the child in the OP) we jointly organised a birthday outing for him, and they got him a football top with his step-father's name on it (and no sign of my/his name at all). For his sake I didn't say a word about it despite being furious. This is just one example of many.

For the last year they've moved further away from me (entirely against my wishes), and I recently discovered that he had been enrolled in the new school with a double-barreled surname, with his step-father's name last. This was done entirely without my knowledge let alone permission. I don't feel I can contact the school and have it changed now as it would be too embarrassing for him, and the last thing I want to do is upset him, but what his mother has done is so wrong that it makes me incredibly angry and upset.

And for the record, I did offer to let the name be double-barreled, as long as my name was retained last. That was unacceptable to his mother, as it wouldn't allow her to quietly drop using my name at all, which is quite clearly what she really wants. The whole situation makes me sick and I don't really know what I can do about it, as regardless of the legal situation I have no control over what she calls him while he's with her, meanwhile my son is caught in the middle.

As to why I said it would almost be funny, if the OP is my son's mother, she clearly started making things up to paint me in as bad a light as possible once it became clear that the tide of opinion was against her. I am gratified that even this didn't entirely work.

So yes, YABU.

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