to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

[poxyfoxy]

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair

DS as in the game.... no it as in he wanted a son!!

And yet, FryObe, op freely chose to give his DS his fathers name, even though given they weren't married it might have been slightly more usual to give him hers...

'celebrate who he is' yes, precisely why he wants to add his brothers, mine and his step father's name to the one he's already got, to reflect who he is, where he comes from.

Having your fathers name IS about ownership. In years gone by, men were protectors. I you married a man you took his name for yourself and your children to show you were under his protection.
Also, your mother is your mother. No one can say that the woman who gave birth to you is anything else BUT your mother. But, there was no way to prove your father was your father. So your mother gave you his name to prove who you belonged to.
Personally I like having my fathers name. Even though we didn't speak for years, I still wanted that link with the family I loved very much and was part of. My Dcs have their fathers name even though we aren't married, he is their dad it links them to him.
But YANBU your ex could think about it a little more and allow the double barrell. He would still HAVE his fathers name.

Thing is, women are only beginning to realise they have the right to retain their name, to give their name to a child.

Society is still conditioned to a man's name being more important. I am still astonished by the number of women who don't realise they don't have to change their name on marriage, that there's no legal requirement to change their name, etc.

It will just take time for the changes to happen. I said earlier that changes evolve, they don't happen overnight, so the more these things are discussed, the more that women will realise they do have options.

Why don't the whole family add your son's name to theirs then.

Exdp would have no say in that.
You would all share a common name.
Problem solved.

Would your DH be happy to do that? Have you asked him?

Yes I'm sure my DH would love to have my ex's name added to his

Oh the irony

OBface

The irony?

I think they think it's ironic that your husband doesn't want to do something that your ex wouldn't do in a blind fit.

There seems to be a real failure to understand equivalence in this thread.

Why the puzzled face, poxyfoxy?

Am I missing something here? His bio Dad sees him every other weekend. He's hardly father of the year material. I imagine it is his stepdad who fulfills the father role for him. With kids you reap what you sow. Your ex needs to be a man and understand that.

So it would be perfectly fine for our other 2 children to share the name of a family they have nothing to do with?

It's ironic because...? Oh, because it's just the same, right?

I've heard it all on this thread

Is your son not part of their family? Is it not his name?

Why is that unreasonable? They would be sharing your sons name, or he would be sharing theirs. Your DS is 'nothing to do with' his step father technically.

He's nothing to do with his step father. Oh yes I see. Except he lives with him, he puts him to bed every night (most nights at the moment lying next to him until he's asleep), he attends evey school performance, parents evening, sports events unlike his 'real' Dad, he treats him absolutely the same as the other two.... but apart from that

The irony thing is laughable and a little embarrassing, but the idea has some merit.

Your family could, without any paperwork at all, start referring to yourselves as the Xxxx-Yyyyy family.

You could use that name for theme parks, clubs, etc.

Teach him about how names are fluid and that we can basically choose what we are called. And how little official names matter.

Do you not think that maybe his Father is worried this is only the beginning?

You start off double barrelling, then eventually he quietly drops his Dad's name completely. Then it is mentioned that actually your son now calls your new husband Dad...so maybe your new husband should just adopt him?

It happens to thousands of Fathers every year. The woman moves on and doesn't want to be reminded of the past so quietly pushes the Father out. I've seen in happen with friends of mine 'oh he just decided to calle Steve Daddy one day'....and you just never corrected that?! And eventually they moved just that bit too far away for every other weekend and the adoption talk started.

DS does call his Stepfather Dad. He has two Dad's.

There's no quietly pushes his bio Dad out, in fact if it weren't for me and my Dh he probably wouldn't see him at all

These friends of yours Astley - does the father not have 50/50 contact. He mustn't be around much if they are considering adoption

In one case they moved 200 miles away and the other moved around 600 miles, both times due to the new DH's job. They said they would bring the child back ever other weekend and did for a while before it became 'too much'.