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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 22:23

Oh dear

What a dramarama this is turning out to be....

aurynne · 21/03/2013 22:39

Staggered, sorry to hear about your story.

poxyfoxy, regardless of the background of the story, I believe you are contributing to confuse your 7-year-old DS, who is far too young to be taking any decisions such as this. You could very easily have diffused the situation by just telling him "honey, you can call yourself whatever you want, but we better wait until you are a bit older to decide what your official name is", but instead have decided to embroil a young child in a nasty feud between parents. Once again, it is NOT just a name. if it was, then it wouldn't matter to you either, would it?

TheSecondComing · 22/03/2013 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatPussInACrownOfThorns · 22/03/2013 00:43

Countdown to thread getting out of hand and being deleted...
Three...

Two...

One...

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/03/2013 00:54

Staggered,the likelyhood of you being the nrp relevant to the op in slim.

Do you know how many daft unmarried mothers there are around who were stupid enough to give a child the dads name without sowing enough in site into themselves to realise that they wouldn't be massively keen on this a few years down the line?

Thousands I would guess.

Its quite self absorbed to assume its all about you.

swallowedAfly · 22/03/2013 08:03

agree it's utterly daft to give your child someone else's name if you are unmarried -said as much on first page.

staggered i think your son's mother (regardless of whether this is she) was incredibly foolish to not put her own surname on the birth certificate but given she did and your son is used to it it should stay as your name.

again though i repeat my warning from first page - unmarried mothers to be take heed - give your child your name and all is kept simple. if you go onto get married KEEP your name and have any children you have from that marriage as either your name or double barreled.

personally i'd go further and say don't put a father on the birth certificate at all if you're unmarried but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

swallowedAfly · 22/03/2013 08:06

you know what if you go onto get married only marry someone willing to change their name to yours - it will be a good sign that they respect that you and your child are a family and your integrity as a family needs to be maintained. if they are unwilling it puts in context their view of you as a family and of your child's rights and needs to have continuity and what's best for them and any future children. if their ego is bigger than their love for you and your child then woohoo you found out before making the mistake of marrying them and subjecting your child to them.

swallowedAfly · 22/03/2013 08:07

as for calling children by your boyfriend's name Hmm - i despair of anyone who actually does that.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/03/2013 08:09

Swallowed

I compleatly agree.far to many shit dads who take no actual responsability have PR and it can cause huge problems.

Obviously I'm only talking about the shit ones the ones who forget the responsability bit but like to bang in about there own rights.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/03/2013 08:14

I could be being old fashioned but to me a boy friend implies a none serious casual type of relationship and I'm rather shocked anyone would do that.

swallowedAfly · 22/03/2013 08:16

to me a 'boyfriend' very clears comes well below a child on your list of priorities and sense of permanence. though i'm aware for some a boyfriend is all and everything.

Sallystyle · 22/03/2013 08:54

yabu imo.

If my children wanted to change their name so their step father and my name was included I would simply tell them they can wait until they are older but until then, they keep the name they were given at birth.

They were given my married name at the time of their birth and they get to keep it.

Staggered · 22/03/2013 09:20

Sockreturningpixie - there are many details which match my (extremely unusual) situation to an uncanny extent, even given the facts which have been changed, which is why a friend pointed this thread out to me. I'm perfectly prepared to be wrong, but it's not out of self-absorption.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 09:28

Staggered I'm fairly sure you're not my exDP.

For a start DS hasn't used any other name.

I haven't fuelled this in him.... if I felt that strongly about it I would just change it, tell the school to change it and tell DS that it's changed, there not much his 'once a fortnight' father could do about it really, staggered is example of that. However staggered's story is appalling and I dread to think what damage has been caused to his DS. You have my sympathy.

I don't know why you all think so badly of me?

DS's father wasn't around much when he was younger, and DS started to call my now DH Dad. Better than no Dad, right? Or should we have waited the 4 years it took for his 'real' Dad to get his act together? We didn't correct this as it seemed the right thing to do, at the time.

The name thing came about about a year ago, he just suddenly became aware of it, I think. It then heightened when his DB started at his school. He wanted to drop 'his name' completely, but we agreed a compromise of double barrelled, he was gappy with that and we approached his Dad, and got a no. AIBU to stand by and stick up for my DS in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 09:38

In fact, staggered, I'm concerned that this may cause problems between you and your ex, I'm probably about 100% certain that we are not connected.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 22/03/2013 09:45

Staggered there is not much in your post that sounds that unusual for parents in your situation, unpleasant yes but unusual sadly not.

With parents who live apart and are not friends both often tend to think they are great whilst the other is shit,there are always two viewpoint of the situation.

I personally have spent years and years listening to story's just like yours.

Op people are responding to you the way they are because YOU have allowed your child to call a person who is not his dad,dad. From what you have said your current partner ( because that is what he is current) has not adopted dc and whilst his actual dad may be not ideal he is alive and well and someone who you considered suitable enough to name your dc after at the time. Your current partner may not remain so and he is not the dc's dad no matter how much you want to rewrite history to suit you.

You cocked up massively by not giving your child your name that's where you started going wrong. Unfortunately that places your dc in a situation where you can't do much about it now.

So yabu and you just have to wait and explain to dc about having to wait until he is older and can be delt with.

But again there is nothing stopping him referring to himself how ever he wants informally that would nbu.

Kendodd · 22/03/2013 09:46

I'm really glad you started this thread, it is a perfect example of why a woman should never change her name and should always give her children her own name. I have two dds, so thanks for your story, although there are so many rl examples they don't really need internet versions.

As for the person up thread who said that it is MUCH easier for a family to all share one name, have you even read this thread? Is that still your opinion?

CinnabarRed · 22/03/2013 10:03

What about adding your DH's name as a middle name?

That way DS still has his biofather's name as his surname - and his only surname - but your DS would feel linked to his new(er) family. And his school could use his full name (including new middle name) if your DS prefers.

Might your XP accept that as an alternative?

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 22/03/2013 11:06

Here's a thought - and I fully expect to be flamed for saying it....but the evident lack of thought given to the very serious business of having children from some of these comments is, to me anyway, disgusting.

Why not, as common decency dictates, don't be impregnated by every Tom, Dick and Harry like some sort of thoughtless breeding hen, but wait until you have met the RIGHT person. Then, if you want children - GET MARRIED. That is how it is supposed to be done.

And don't give me the utter bollocks that 'I thought he was the right guy at the time'. If you did, you would have married him. Unless there was abuse involved - we ALL know when we are with the wrong guy. We don't tell anybody else as that makes it real, but we KNOW it in our heart of hearts. And if a guy doesn't see the need to marry if you accidentally (what utter sh!te) become pregnant, then you best be giving the child your name as he isn't serious about staying.

It's not rocket science - it's just the civilised way of creating a family. And if you cannot comprehend that you need to grow the hell up.

My sister - the idiot that she is - had 2 children with her 'partner'. They have his surname. They split up - oh shock horror - so now she has the children who have his name. Her oldest (8) has just this month started bringing it up in conversation.

Stupid and thoughtless. Not to mention bloody selfish.

Rant over!!!! Gosh, I really got on one there. Feel MUCH better.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 11:10

Sounds like you need to speak to someone professional, Angel

OP posts:
Kendodd · 22/03/2013 11:28

Can I just add, even if you get married, imo it is utter stupidity to change your name, so unnecessary, and make sure all your children also have your name, it baffles me why a mother wouldn't give their child her name. If you double barrel children's names (mum's name + dad's name) you future proof their names.

It just isn't right chopping an changing children's names depending on whatever man you happen to be with at the time.

Oh and OP, what are you going to do if you and DH split and you remarry? Will you all change names again? I don't know if this is one of the 'ridiculous scenarios' you mentioned earlier but I'd point out that almost 50% of marriages end in divorce so it might not be the impossibility you imagine. As I said earlier, my cousins children had four different last names during their childhood.

Please OP I'm sorry if I sound like I'm having a go, but YABU, leave your son's name alone, and encourage him to love and have pride in it.

Kendodd · 22/03/2013 11:30

Oh and if he really wants to share your name, as you created this problem for him, you change your name to him.

Astley · 22/03/2013 11:40

'if I felt that strongly about it I would just change it, tell the school to change it and tell DS that it's changed, there not much his 'once a fortnight' father could do about it really, staggered is example of that'

Wow. Just wow.

BumpingFuglies · 22/03/2013 11:55

Angel

What a helpful contribution Hmm

Kendodd · 22/03/2013 12:08

Just looking at you OP again, your DS is 7, you met your DH when he was about 18 months old, had two more children, one of them is now school age. You must have go pregnant very soon into the relationship, were you married to DH when you gave your second child the fathers last name? Just interested.

Also can I ask (again not trying to go) Why did you choose to give your boys their dads last name and not yours? I understand that people don't enter relationships or marriages thinking they'll break up. I just wanted to know what motivated you in your choices.

I didn't change my name (although I admit I did think about it, DH has a much nicer name than me) because I just felt I couldn't do it, I liked the idea of keeping my own name, and what the fact of doing it said about DH and I. It was never with the idea of 'well what if we split up'. Naming me children, it just seemed that they needed and, had a right to, both of our names. Again it was not done with thoughts of the future and 'what ifs'. So, maybe it's a bit harsh of me criticising you for not naming your children with future possibilities in mind.

I hope you come back and answer my questions.Smile